Being a widow

[newgalebeach]

Am I normal ?
My husband passed away almost 2 years ago aged 61 years young.
We had been together since early teens, I am now 62.
I feel as if I'm playing at living. I miss him so much. I know he's gone but still feel as if I'm waiting for him to come home.
I've two wonderful children, both having families of their own. I know they love me & I know they miss their Dad . Without sounding twee , he was the most wonderful human being, admired by all who knew him, his funeral was attended by so many it was overwhelming.
How do I carry on without him ? I feel as if I'm treading water, getting nowhere, he made me a whole person, I don't know how to be me now !
Please don't tell me to join a club, that's just not me. I still work full time but because that's in a school, there are a lot of holidays spent missing my soul mate.
Gentle advice gratefully received.

He sounds wonderful OP. Lucky you having had him by your side most of your life. But of course it makes it all the harder now. Have you tried any sort of grief counselling?

Yes he was wonderful & yes I know I was lucky to have him for so long.
I just miss him so much.
I did try counselling but it just felt wrong. Talking about him to someone who didn't know him felt wrong. It felt like I was bragging about him & I wasn't & also , strange I know, but I didn't want to share him with a stranger. I think I'm mad.

No that doesn't sound mad, I can totally understand you feeling like that. I think I'd be the same. Would you consider going away for 6 months or a year? On a big trip somewhere... I think it might really help. I know it's difficult and sounds scary but I did it once and wow it really helps to reset your focus.

Oh dear, I'm not brave enough.
I'm a passenger not a driver.
Driving to the supermarket is an epic adventure to me. I sound pathetic I know but I'm not really. I hold down a responsible job, I've worked at the same school for nearly 30 years. It's when I'm not at work that I struggle.
I look for him everywhere, I look for signs that he's still with me.
My kids & I cry together often, the silliest things set us off & I know that's good for us, but when they've gone home the panic sets in again.
If I was reading this from someone else I'd say it's ok, you're doing fine, but it's somehow different when it's me. Who is me ?
Thanks for listening, strangely it's helping writing it x

You have been together for 40+ years, alone now for 2. What you describe sounds absolutely normal to me. It is still raw, still fresh.

My FIL died at about that same age. 30 years on his widow still misses him and talks of him, but most of the time she seems happy in her memories. She’s had a different life on her own, moved home, faced illness, had joy and loss in her life. I don’t know how, but she did get through it. You will too, but be gentle and takevwhat time you need 💐💐

Thank you x

My Mum's friend is in the situation -she has two that had this.

For J
She tried counselling and it was too raw.
She tried again a year later and with someone else and this is what she said:
"It's not that a chapter has closed -this is a whole new book" I can't think of a joint life -or what we used to do together I need to forge a new single life. My own friends and interests.
They did line dancing together for example, when he died she stopped as it was " his thing really" and then now has started it back up as she decided although it was his choice to go originally and he was the driver there -that she had become more interested and actually missed it.
She is still having counselling 3 years on. She found nights bad and being lonely. She adopted a little dog and that is helping.

Second friend L . Husband died and they had a big house. She sold it and moved to a flat by the sea but in her 80s. They were together for 60 years. She almost finds it too hard to bear. She hates it -no friends there and is finding it hard as she now doesn't drive and friends are a long way off. She is about to sell and move back to the original village. She wishes she stayed in the original house and had got lodgers in !

This is very new for you and very very raw. I would look again at counselling and finding someone you can work with.

One of my friends - Mum was on her own in a big house with grounds in Suffolk -Dad died last year. My friend lives on her own in London -with 3 children (single parent). Lockdown was dreadful for both of them and the kids. As soon as restrictions were lifted -she went to her Mum. She's decided to sell in London and build a house in the grounds of her parent's house. Both were lonely. And I think being lonely when you live on your own is much more common than you might think.

Thank you so much everyone.
I'm clearly not going mad, I'm normal, whatever that is.
I do realise how lucky I am to have had such a happy marriage.
I just need to find a way to be just me & then cherish the memories instead of torturing myself with them

Oh you are not going mad - it is just that the situation feels mad. Our brains programme themselves to the presence of someone as our other half and when that is lost it truly does feel a bit as if you are going mad - but you are not. I lost my husband in February and there have been moments when I thought I was going round the bend - just howling and sobbing and beyond help.

I am dreading next Weds as it would have been our golden wedding anniversary.

I am dealing with it all by having a complete new start and moving back to the place where we we were both happiest in our lives - and he is buried in that village so I feel it is as if we will both have gone "home."

He is still with you - he is there in your heart and in your memories and that is how it will always be. I send you supportive thoughts and hope for the future. I do not know how long it takes to feel remotely normal again; but I do know it is different for everyone and there really is no "normal." Take care and stay strong

I have found this poem helpful - it is about learning to love yourself after being used to loving someone else for so long.

Love after Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Sending you so much love. Such a heartbreaking read. He sounds like a wonderful man. Xx

This is so sad but so beautiful too. My father in law died years ago and they had been together all their adult life. Mum in law puts on a brave face and really makes a big effort, and has lovely friends but I know she misses being with him and being with someone. Wish we could turn back time When you are so used to being part of a couple like that there is no replacing that.

My Mum died but my Dad met someone else quickly, men seem to move on so fast but not women.

I guess you need kindred spirits. Clubs obviously not your thing. It is so hard. My husband is away all the time and I am lonely so much. Very social normally but yes do feel a bit lost without him too. This is not really helpful, but it is so common. I wish we lived in mixed generation households more in our community as then people aren't so often left on their own. Our society is good in so many ways but so much loneliness.

Through work I regularly talk to people who are widowed. There's no right or wrong, no timeline, everyone is different. For many what helped was meeting others in a similar situation rather than professional counselling - admittedly hard at the moment. In fact good friends of mine met at a group for people widowed due to cancer and 3 years later married! Whether filling your days or taking time out to grieve is right for you only you know. I'm hoping my group will be able to restart in September, just having a weekly group with people who understand helps them a lot

Oh good grief
So many lovely words
You all seem to know how I feel when I don't know myself.
You have all helped without even knowing me, thank you.