Please help *Trigger warning* Sending children to nursery puts the fear of God into me

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I really need some help and reassurance please. I dont know how to deal with this and I can't see a way out...

I'm terrified of my kids going to nursery and school. DS is 3 and DD is only 8 weeks but I feel myself filling up with anxiety and fear when I think about either environment.

I want them to grow. I want them to make friends. I want them to have lots of fun but I just can't bear the thought of handing over responsibility of their safety and well being to someone else.

I'm sure all parents feel this when the day comes that they have to look at school and nurseries. But there is an element to this, for me, which I think makes it even harder to handle.

I was sexually abused when I was a young girl, by the lad (who was also my age) who lived across the street from us.

I've never told anyone.

I went to tell my sister after it had happened but she didn't quite hear me and her reaction ("What?!!" because she hadn't heard me properly but sort of had) made me so scared that I daren't repeat it for fear of being in the wrong.

I was quite young. About 5 or 6? But it damaged me alot and I got myself into some situations in the following years because of that vulnerability.

I don't feel any hatred towards him. He was a kid too and clearly had experienced something awful aswell for him to replicate that behaviour on me.

There seems to be alot in the news lately too. This Eric Joyce bloke for starters. Plus in my area, a few years ago, there was a woman convicted for taking photographs of children at the nursery she worked at. Just horrific.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you cope?

How do I cope? I don't want my babies to ever, ever be hurt by anyone. It's my greatest fear. I've faced so much adversity over the years but this is only the second time I have felt pure terror.

God hopefully you can see the paragraphs... i out them in but the app always makes them disappear on my phone 🙈🙈

Honestly? I just try to block it out. No amount of reassurance from other people would make me believe that these things could never happen. What might help is to think that in a nursery setting, it's very very rare. do you think counseling might help you overcome what happened to you, and help you with how you feel?

I've blocked it out for most of my life.

I've reached a really great place now. I went through alot to get there.

It really fucked with my standards for men and my judgments on what was normal. I was a troubled kid and teen.

I've been in counselling many times but I've never mentioned this early abuse. I could do it again. Normally I don't lack courage when it comes to speaking out about things but this? I find it so much much harder to even contemplate talking about it.

How have you found blocking it out?

For every sick story you hear about, there are hundreds of thousands of children going to nursery and school and being completely safe.

If i were someone who hadn't been abused myself, I think I would find that comforting...

Thank you for replying

I have none of the experiences that you have had but I can say that my daughter has loved nursery and that it has been a very safe environment for her. The staff are closely monitored. Safeguarding is taken very seriously.

What do you mean the staff are closely monitored?

Thank you for your reply, perhaps that's something I can focus on when I visit DS's nursery.

What do you mean the staff are closely monitored?

Thank you for your reply, perhaps safeguarding policies and procedures are something I can focus on when I visit DS's nursery.

Nurseries and schools are very highly regulated in terms of safeguarding. I agree that it could help to ask prospective nurseries about their arrangements.

I've got three children (all teens now) and this never worried me. I think you need to find a way to avoid focusing on the bad things that could happen to your children or it just isn't possible to function normally. I push any negative thoughts about bad stuff that could happen to them to the back of my mind and focus on trying to be a supportive parent.

Thanks lakeswimmer

I do with most horrible things. I push most horrible thoughts to the back of my mind particularly when they're with me. When I'm with them, I'd never let them see my fear or upset. Just focused on them being happy.

But in the wee small hours, when I have moments to myself and too much time to think, I have these horrendous waves of anxiety.

Truthfully OP, this is why I’ve decided not to let anyone except my children’s father and grandparents look after them. At least until they’re old enough to tell me if anything has happened. I’m horrified that someone could repeatedly do something inappropriate and children who can’t talk can’t tell anyone. I realise other people don’t feel the same way and they use childcare but they’re my children so it’s my choice.

Can you research local nurseries? Does your Council have annual reports on them?
Your dc do not have to go to nursery. It is not mandatory.

I realise this is totally random but, when I was 4 I wanted to go to nursery. I was not allowed. I used to watch children walking by with their mums and I would feel sad. Maybe your ds will want to go too when he is older.

Update -

Thank you for all your replies. They have helped.

DS is now in nursery. I took the plunge. I'm still uncomfortable with it but he seems to love it! Doesn't even say goodbye 😂 just runs right on in.

I'm still a bit fearful. I think I would be wherever I put him but I found somewhere he's happy. That's the main thing.

Thank you again all