having an existential crisis over the possibility of future children

[hvyblln]

22 y.o woman here, having a very long existential crisis over the possibility of having children, despite the fact that I've never really wanted them in the past?!

I was wondering why I've suddenly started worrying now - I've been thinking it's my changing circumstances. Essentially, I've just finished my MSc, and have moved back to my home town while I get a few things sorted; as such, I've got a lot of time to think and muse about what I'll do next. Also, did anyone see that BBC article about global fertility rates declining? I, for some reason, feel selfish and wrong that babies aren't really in my future plans - even though I'd never think this about childfree people - and all of the comments from people saying those who don't have children will be inherently unfulfilled and lonely (another thing I don't believe) have somehow wormed their way into my brain and refuse to leave. Perhaps it's because my once unshakeable stance has lost its tenacity?

I must also add that I've never been in a relationship (see aforementioned fear). I've had intense crushes (always on women, though...) and I've only slept with two guys (didn't enjoy it, got paranoid despite practicing safe-sex, sat up for weeks worrying about being pregnant). But, far from feeling calm that I have time and things will work out, I see some invisible doomsday clock ticking. Firstly, I need to decide whether I want to be with a man or a woman, I suppose?! Then, I need to date them for a few years; what if it doesn't work out; what if life continuously gets in the way, then I'm mid-30s and I still don't know, then my partner does and it's the ultimate turning point in our relationship? What if I have the child and don't love them? What if I don't love the child and end up alone and unfulfilled?

This is another thing: I wouldn't ever have a child out of fear of feeling lonely. I understand they'll be their own person with their own hopes and dreams and ideals; they really owe nothing to me, asides some earned respect. I also don't know how I feel about passing on a legacy or anything like that. I'm an only child, so no nieces or nephews to dote over. I just worry that I'll leave it too late, and then I'll realise when I'm 50 that I've made the wrong decision, and that terrifies me. However, having a child dependent on me also terrifies me. So I really don't know. I guess I just needed to vent, as whenever I mention anything like this to my friends they act like I'm crazy and reassure me that I've got plenty of time.

To anyone out there who was on the fence but now has kids - how did you come to the decision? Did it just feel right at the time?

Thanks a lot, everyone :)

Gosh you're SO young to be worrying about this. I didn't start thinking about this kind of thing till my late twenties.

Having said that, I also think you sound like you could do with counselling. Your anxiety over sex etc and getting pregnant seems a bit worrying.

I had NO interest in children until I was about 29 and then it hit me like a big old brick wall and I was suddenly REALLY keen on the idea.

Luckily I met DH a year later who also wanted children and we fell in love.

BUT...I have childfree friends who are my age (40s) and never regretted not having kids.

They're academic mostly...very into their work...very happy with their lifestyle and friends.

The thing is, when you first have kids it feels MONUMENTAL. I used to wake up thinking "What have I DONE!??"

Then when they get a bit older you find yourself again...they find themselves a bit more...and you chill out again.

I would get counselling...concentrate on your career and having a good time.

I also have some gay friends who had children. One woman in her 40s...alone. You have a lot of freedom to do as you want.

Try to get on with your life....just you...concentrate on you.

If you have kids your life will be different, if you don't your life will be different. There is no one way or right way to live your life.

I agree you would probably benefit from counseling. One thing is for sure life is too short to waste on worrying.

I probably would benefit from counselling...I've been a few times in the past. I feel I'm just frustrated that I'll never get better. When I look around me, all I see are people in their early 20s, in relationships; some with kids. I guess I just feel like a bit of a failure, even though I know it's completely unwarranted and I wouldn't ever think that way of anyone else.

You're far from a failure! Having kids isn't an achievement you know.

Anyone who is fertile can go out, determined to have a child and have one.

It costs nothing. Getting there is easy. It's what you have to do once you've HAD the child that's work.