Feeling broody but it's too late

[Covert19]

I have two lovely children (age 10 and 11) and a great husband, who had a vasectomy earlier this year. This was something we discussed and agreed to - in fact I urged him to get it done, as I was concerned about getting pregnant again, now that I'm in my early forties and have slightly dodgy mental health - depression always lurking as a possibility.

Suddenly I am broody again, which is pointless, as there's no going back (NHS won't do vasectomy reversals, and in any case I'm sure husband wouldn't agree to another baby as he's very happy with our family unit as it is). I find myself browsing through the baby sections in online shops, and imagining which pushchair, crib, bouncer, clothes etc I'd buy for a new baby. If I see a baby, I always want to have a look and have to stop myself asking to have a cuddle, to feel their gorgeous squidginess. I know it is inappropriate to be hands-on with other people's kids, but I do miss those cuddles, and the feeling of being the one to supply all of their needs.

Children get increasingly complicated to raise as they get older, in my opinion, and I'd love to be back at the baby stage where it was all about nappies, feeding and making sure they're warm and comfortable - life was simpler back then. As the children get bigger they start to give you feedback on times when you get it wrong - babies don't do that, you are just their world, and that is an amazing feeling. Older children have more complex needs: a rounded education for example, which at present I'm not convinced I am supplying.

Is this normal? Should I indulge these fantasies of going back in time, or avoid things that make me want a baby again? Just wondering if anyone else does this really, and wondering if the feelings of unfulfilled maternal instinct will ever go away.

Do you think this might be a regret for the loss of your own younger days, when you were a mum to small children, translating into a desire for a baby itself? I think you should look at your life to see if there are areas where you are feeling unfulfilled (particularly as we are living through such different times) and see if there is anything you can take from the way you lived your life 10/11 years ago that you could bring into your present life.

I think this is normal. I’m a similar age; I think as you approach menopause you do become aware that “this is it”; whether there’s any science behind it or not, I’ve heard people suggest that your body “throws everything at it” in a last chance saloon sort of way. So maybe it’s hormonal as well. But I do think it’s normal.

This jumped out from your post:
I'd love to be back at the baby stage where it was all about nappies, feeding and making sure they're warm and comfortable - life was simpler back then

What you have to bear in mind is that you would not be going back to that simple life - you’d be juggling the demands of a baby and it’s needs with those of two much older children. And that’s not a picnic. My DH has a sibling 10 years his junior - and he’s quite resentful about the impact on his childhood in many ways. Far from being simpler, your life would become a lot more complicated. Family days out and holidays are bloody hard with 2 teenagers and a toddler!

We all have a tendency to look at the past through rose tinted specs; I often wish I could go back to being a student. Life was such fun! But would I? Really? If I could be 18 again, sure. But I can’t. So - would I really like to go back to having no money, sharing a bathroom etc etc now? Probably not in reality...and that’s without considering the fact that I’d be twice the age of everyone else, so I wouldn’t have the same social experience either.

You have happy memories of your kids being small. That’s fantastic - treasure them. But I think it’s a mistake to think you can recreate those memories. Time changes everything.

I was the most broody AFTER i had my last child. I knew i didn't really want any more and DP agreed. But i was so broody. Do you think the vasectomy has triggered it?

While you are fantasising about what you can't have, you're not enjoying what you do have - which is a lot.

How you are feeling is quite normal and won't last, we all feel broody at times, it's as if we are programmed that way but usually common sense prevails. In a few years you and your husband will be glad to not have young children and to have more freedom.

Apart from anything else, if it was possible for you to conceive another child with your husband, it would hardly be a wise movement at the moment; we don't know what our world will be like over the next few years once the pandemic is over.

Thank you for your responses. I do think that the vasectomy has triggered the feelings - now I know there’s no chance I realise I had harboured a secret hope that there would be a “happy accident” after our second went to school. But I also take the point that life would be hard with a baby now we have two older ones, and that we’ll be glad of the freedom in a few years.

Maybe I’m hankering for the simpler life we had then. I had fewer calls on me - just the babies, whereas now I work part time and volunteer for a charity, and I often feel pulled in three or four different directions. I’m thinking about what I can stop to take some pressure off.

I still think babies are amazing though, and I’ll always wish we’d had more - we just didn’t get started soon enough, as we had fertility problems.

If you had fertility problems you did jolly well to have two children, covert. Congratulations on them!

You say you are pulled in several directions; you could cut down on some of your activities for a while, have a sabbatical and then reassess. More time to yourself might help you get things in perspective but at the moment, with the pandemic and current constraints, you may be needed in your charity work so I would wait a bit before making too many changes. It sure is a funny old time.

Good luck, better things are ahead.