Do I really want another baby or am I just being a bit crap?

[Lovecat]

Do you mind if I try and sort my head out on here?

Brief background - DP left virtually sterile by cancer treatment, we have one dd conceived through ICSI (2nd attempt - it would be all but a miracle for us to conceive naturally, I haven't used contraception since I was 28 and despite a healthy sex life, nada!).

I'm now 41, dd is 2.7. ICSI cost us just short of £6k the last time around. We're not particularly well off at the moment. I had quite bad PND after dd's birth and although I'm a lot better, there are still bad moments, particularly around TOM. It may be my age, but I find dd completely exhausts me, much as I adore her. All good reasons not to have another one, yes? Plus there's no guarantee that it would work again (esp. in view of my age) and we'd be £6k out of pocket for nothing.

But... it suddenly seems that all my friends who conceived at the same time as I did are either now pregnant or have already had their second child. And I'm finding myself upset by this, in a kind of 'I want one!' wistfulness, iykwim...

I bumped into someone I hadn't seen in years yesterday with her 2 children and she said (not really knowing my circs) 'oh, you should definitely give dd a little brother or sister' and I went home and cried.

But then I'm not altogether sure if I actually do want another baby or if I just feel a bit left out...

Well, if you've made it to the end of this ramble, feel free to slap me round the face with a wet kipper or three to bring me to my senses, I just can't seem to sort my feelings out - logically I know another child is probably not the best idea, but I can't help wanting - aargh!

i think everybody feels theyve either finished or they havent. Youve obviously not and i feel the same i.e i would be taking a huge risk with my health and several other factors but it doesnt stop me wanting another

Which way would you like talked round?

If it's against having another, here goes.....

Do you really want to be pregnant again (and this this with a toddler needing your attention), can you afford it, have you thought about the sleepless nights?

Someone once said to me that when you've figured out what you want, surround yourself with likeminded people. Perhaps you should find some parents who have only the one child and chew the fat with them.

You always want what you can't easily have! I'm the same. I've got one lovely, wonderful 12 year old now, but 5 years ago, I suffered two ectopics, which has left me with no natural chance what so ever. Back then, I had many friends who were having their second babies and It was horrible. I cried an awful lot and envied them all. I also got that conversation with people who didn't know my situation. 'Oh, you really should ahve another one' or 'about time X had a brother or sister'. Rotten time in my life. HOWEVER, now, I'm home and dry! All my friends still have little children who need them and thy can't do half the things I can do. My dd is still a child I know, but its not the same as having a toddler.

Ultimately, if you realy feel that you want another, then so be it, but speaking from similar experience, I know how you feel and the 'feeling left out' thing suddenly turns into everyone wishing they were like you.

I'm in a similiarish boat as you, although without the added pressure of ICSI.

In the end, the probablitiy of us conceiving naturally is fairly low, so we are just seeing what happens, if anything, naturally, before taking things a bit further.

I do know what you mean about that 'feeling' though. I am very happy with ds (2) but I want him to have a sibling. (Although I'm really not sure a bout the PND I suffered, or having the sleepless nights again)

No advice really, just letting you know you're not alone!

hi mums, i only have one ds age 7, and i have had all the "isnt it time u had another one" convrsations. we have made the decision to only have one, and when i look around ( drug culture, violence on the streets etc) i wouldnt feel happy bringing another child into this world! we are quite happy with one. lots of positives. x

Why not offer to babysit to get a feeling of a few kids being in the house? Like prev posts: it can be because you're seeing other families and thinking if they have two + children, shouldn't you? Is it the thought of another child or another baby (ie the cute little scrunched up person that then starts to have trantrums and things) that's nagging you? Would you entertain the thought of adoption or fostering? Your op seems to suggest you're quite content with your family as it is and it might just be a little case of is the grass greener on the other side?

Lovecat - I think you can live a very "civilised" life with one child. My best friend was an only child and was absolutely fine with it - sometimes you can find their behaviour is a little more grown up than others as they have your behaviour to watch and model themselves on rather than that of a younger child. Personally, I find being pregnant extremely tough - would you want to go through it all again? I think if you have decided what is right for you, that's fine - what is right for other people is not necessarily right for you.

That's just it - we haven't really 'decided' anything. Both of us are from large families and we always thought we'd have more than one child. Hence my dithering...

Crokky, I loved being pregnant, it was the 36 hour labour followed by emergency c-section that I had issues with! But then I had no ante-natal classes (no NCT available, no NHS provision), no friends with children at the time, and knew so much less then than I do now - I would never have let them panic me into inducing me when I was only 6 days overdue if I had my time again! Or let them talk me out of bf-ing at 6 weeks because she was jaundiced and 'was going to get brain-damaged' - but that's a whole other story, mutter, mutter....

Maureen, thank you for sharing your experience, that's very good to know and has helped a lot.

Still none the wiser, though - the trouble is that DP says it's up to me, what do I want, he will support me no matter what - aargh! I think he's as dithery as me, quite frankly...