small things are going missing from our house

[baffled]

Dear mumsnetters

I know this post will probably not excite much sympathy, but I would really welcome some advice on a situation that may have developed in our household.

Over the past year or so, I have noticed small things going missing from the house. They are not particularly valuable, examples include the blades from the hand blender, a half used bottle of nail varnish remover, a set of spatulas. We rarely lose things in our house. For one thing, it is far from huge, and also I generally aspire to reasonable levels of tidiness and organisation, so can generally find things quickly and easily. Other than the inconvenience, I have not been particularly concerned - the items in question are not particularly valuable, and I thought they were physically small enough to have possibly slipped down behind drawers, cupboards etc.

It was ds?s birthday a couple of months ago and I was looking for my cake tins to make him a birthday cake. Although I knew exactly where they should be, they were not there and I could not find them anywhere in the kitchen. I also asked dh to have a good thorough look everywhere including shifting the drawer and cupboard where they should have been just in case they had somehow slipped behind. They were nowhere to be found. I was slightly more concerned about this - I knew they had definitely disappeared from the house.

A couple of days ago, imagine my astonishment to find they had reappeared where they should have been all along?

Finally getting to the point. There is really only one person who could possibly have ?borrowed? these items, namely our cleaner. She has been with us about 18m and has always struck me as an honest, reliable, hardworking individual. There have been plenty of opportunities to take money, cheque books, credit cards, jewellery etc - but we have never noticed anything like this going missing. Without going into further details here, we were sufficiently confident in her character to take her up on her offer to babysit for us a few months ago. She has babysat for us a few times since - and has been excellent.

My dilemma is that I really don?t know what to do for the best now. There is only circumstantial evidence that she has ?borrowed? these items. I would hate to make an unfounded accusation. The things themselves are not valuable, and I don?t want to make a huge fuss over nothing. But, but, but - I don?t know if we can continue to have someone in the house now that this suspicion has been raised, let alone looking after our child.

Should I discuss this situation with her? If so how? Should we give her notice? What other explanation could there be for what has happened? (I?m absolutely sure the caketins disappeared then reappeared - it is not just tiredness or my imagination) I simply don?t know what to do for the best and would really appreciate some insights.

Sorry for posting such a long message about ?The Mystery of the Missing Cake Tins?!
I'm just really worried that we may be leaving our child with someone who could possibly be rather dishonest.

I have changed my usual nickname to post this message.

Gosh, at first I thought this was going to be a story along the lines of The Borrowers, Baffled!! But seriously, what a horrid situation to be in, when you are not 100% sure of someone. When something has gone missing have you tried asking your cleaner innocently if she has seen your cake tins, as "I just can't fibd them anywhere"? That might provoke a guilty look or a bemused response? Otherwise, no helpful ideas, I'm afraid, but there's bound to be someone on Mumsnet with cleverer thoughts. Hope it's resolved soon.

I am not surprised that you are worried, baffled! Things always go missing in our house but it is only because I am the most disorganised person I know! And we don't have a cleaner!

I can understand your worries about confronting her about it. What if she is honest and is very offended?

Did she come with any references? Could you ask a previous employer about her?

I am not sure how to help you really, perhaps you could just ask her casually if she can look for item 'such and such' when she is cleaning so that the point is made that you have noticed it is missing? Make sure you have another good look before you do and then if it turns up ask her where she found it. If she found it in a place that you know it wasn't then something fishy is definitely going on.

What I definitely wouldn't do is ask her to babysit until the problem is solved!

I hope you get to the bottom of it soon - Keep us posted.

Like Ghosty, I can never find things when I need them, and when they turn up somewhere odd it's usually because I put them there. However, my mum was in a similar situation, lots of small things going missing...usually food, butter, biscuits, jam, but also shampoo, cleaning stuff etc. My mother is also pretty chaotic, so it took her a while to realise. The difficulty was, that being fairly disorganised she could never be sure with ornaments, books, etc whether she'd just mislaid them, but when three packs of butter 'vanished' from the fridge, and smoked salmon from the freezer, she was confident she hadn't just put them down somewhere odd. She couldn't face confronting her cleaner (no one else it could have been) so told her she couldn't afford her any more! Quite true, given the amount of food with which she was supplementing her earnings! Subsequently she has been unable to find various items of clothing and jewellery.

I'm afraid my advice may alarm you further.

We were in a similar situation with a nanny (took up references etc.) and trusted her implicitly. To cut a long story short, things just didn't add up. Until she handed her notice in for medical reasons and on her last day took £2,600 in cash that my husband had just withdrawn to pay some workmen. Clearly we had no proof. I did not go to the police as I couldn't bear to be involved with her in any way again. To think that she was in charge of my son was dreadful and I will never forgive myself for those months of putting my child at risk.

Trust your instinct. Get rid of her and move on. Don't confront if you don't want to as it may make you feel worse. We always feel more guilty about things than the guilty party. Just be grateful it has not been worse...

I agree. I don't think you'll every feel 100% confident about her again. I'd tell her you don't need a cleaner anymore and set about finding someone else. She doesn't sound like any kind of risk to your child or terribly dishonest (the stuff came back, after all) but as she is in your home you do need to trust her totally. It's sad, but there are other cleaners and babysitters out there.

Can I suggest also, that if you decide to let her go, do so with no notice. After all, there's no contract to give her notice. Only because our major theft on the last day of her working out her notice.

I realise that your case is not nearly as serious as ours, but urge you to get someone else.

Another thing, ever since then, I stay at home when we have any help with cleaning and noone gets our key either.

Some friends of ours had a cd missing and eventually, they realised that their 'Eternal' cd was missing (only difficult because they had so many cds!) They realised that their cleaner must have borrowed it. When asked, she happily admitted that she had borrowed several cds, on many occasions.

Although she had always put them back, and was essentially honest, she had to go! My friends were moving house anyway, so told her that they didn't need her for that reason.

Perhaps Baffled, you could ask her in a nice way if she had borrowed them. If she has been, she won't be offended, and if she hasn't it's not exactly an accusation is it? It's difficult isn't it. However, I would not be happy to have someone like that in my house, so you do need to find out one way or the other. Could it POSSIBLY be anyone else? If not, then you really know the answer!

Good luck!!!

We've had CD's disappear and in my bedroom I had a £20 Gap voucher in a card. When I went to get the voucher to spend it it had gone. I don't know who took them as we've had several possible culprits in the house.

I agree with the others, tell her you no longer need her. R

hi baffled,
I've no experience of having a cleaner but I think I'd personally be reluctant to sack someone on this evidence. She hasn't actually taken anything, after all, and, as you say, it'd be awful if the accusation were unfounded and there was some other explanation. I think I'd be tempted to just say something general along the lines of "You know, if you ever wanted to borrow any thing small you only have to ask," type of thing, which would hint at your feelings on unauthorised borrowing and let her know you're keeping an eye on the situation - if she is the culprit- but wouldn't be too confrontational. It would also be an opportunity for her to tell you if she HAS borrowed this stuff- it's just possible that she might not think of it as a big deal and would be happy to "own up" if approached in an oblique, non-confrontational way. If so, I would be tempted to just put her straight on your expectations and give her another chance, since it sounds like she's generally good at the job. For what it's worth, I wouldn't worry too much about having left ds with her- as long as she likes kids and looks after them well I don't think he'll have taken any harm, even if her honesty does turn out to be wonky.

Couldn't you just say something along the lines of 'You haven't seen my (whatever) when you've been cleaning have you? I've looked everywhere', in the same way you would to dh or anyone else in your house. At least then it gives her the opportunity to say 'oh yes I borrowed it', or 'no, but I'll keep an eye out for you'.

Does seem a bit rash sacking her becasue a few items have gone walkabouts.

PLease don't shoot me down in flames - but I agree with ScummyMummy.
Ask yourself a few questions?

Is she a good cleaner ?( they are like gold-dust )
Is she reliable ?
Was she recommended from a good source ?
Maybe she was too embarrassed to ask for the caketins.
Remember she did return them - she hasn't left with the family silver ( yet )

I have been without my cleaner for a while now and I am finding it rather hard - I would think twice about losing such help.
Hope this doesn't trivialise your thoughts and concerns.
Maybe explain to her that you thought your sanity was at question for a while - and next time could she bake a cake for you too

Baffled, I havent had the chance to read all the posts so hopefully I wont repeat too much. I know that cakepans is such a minor thing to take but I understand your worries. No matter what, she should of ask to borrow them out of respect.The fact that she has had many opportunities to steal more valuable things and hasnt is something worth considering. How do you feel about giving her a second chance. I realize she took them without asking but she also did put them back. She doesnt sound like a real theif to me. She was probally feeling awkward about asking to borrow them. Keep in mind how good shes been and that shes never taking anything other then the pans.

Just to say that I agree with Scummymummy and the others. I don't think that your ds is in any danger here. You say that she has been excellent with him. I think having a tactful word is a good idea.

Thanks to all for your constructive advice and comments, especially as this is so trivial compared with what some people are putting up with. I see there is a range of views which has mirrored my own thoughts as I have gone over this. Aside from the worry of leaving ds in her care, I have had the rather queasy feeling that what may have happened - although extremely minor - may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Nevertheless, I have decided, as many of you have suggested to try and let her know I know what has happened without being confrontational. I don't think there's any need to do anything more dramatic than that at the moment - but will monitor the situation carefully, just in case this minor event progresses into something more serious.

However, I am no longer happy about the babysitting, even though, as some of you have said, chances are the risk to ds is negligible. Ultimately everything in the house is insured and/or replaceable - ds isn't.

Thanks again for your replies.