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Workplace bullying

9 replies

MeanBean · 05/10/2004 11:46

You and Yours on Radio 4 are doing a phone in about this, so I phoned in to tell them about my experience about 4 years ago, when I was still working in advertising. I had a new boss whom I suspect had been given the message by my director that I should be got rid of (they had a policy of getting rid of mothers - obviously not an official one, but of 8 women who had children in 5 years, all 8 left - co-incidence? I think not.)

My boss proceeded to use all the classic bullying techniques - ignoring me when I came in in the mornings, excluding me from conversations with our other colleague (who was a friend of hers), undermining my work, etc. Within about six weeks, I couldn't actually be in the same room as her, or think about work, without bursting into tears. Things came to a head when I went for an interview with a recruitment consultant and she asked me that classic old question "Why do you want to leave your company?" I was so taken aback, because I nearly burst into tears again - all the real reasons came flooding into my mind and I had to struggle to give a respectable reply. That day I complained to my HR manager and the next morning went to my doctor for a sick note and took 2 weeks off work with stress.

Went back and threatened to sue them, everything was brushed under the carpet and they all pretended I'd misinterpreted, misunderstood, etc. etc. From that time on, my boss behaved impeccably. I left the company about three months later and moved on.

While I was telling the researcher all this, I found myself in tears and realised that I couldn't talk about it on air, as four years on, I still can't talk about this in any detail without becoming as distressed as I was back then. I have no idea why I still find this so upsetting, or how I can get to a stage where I can talk about it without feeling so bad still. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
mumtochloe · 05/10/2004 11:52

Sounds as though you haven't had what the Americans call closure. Do you think councelling would help you to move on? Maybe you need to relive it all in order to put it to rest once and for all.

xx

MUMINAMILLION · 05/10/2004 11:58

Was going to say the same thing.. you seem to be having a lot of work anxiety problems at the moment Meanbean, and I am wondering if they are all related to what happened 4 years ago - it seems to have really knocked your confidence. I think it would be well worth considering counselling. It is best not to let this affect you for any longer now that you have realised how traumatic it was for you. x

bundle · 05/10/2004 12:02

I just found this, the
Andrea Adams Trust , which works solely on workplace bullying. looks interesting, but may be more for employers and immediate action to take. hth.

Bellie · 05/10/2004 12:38

Meanbean, I have just gone through the same thing as you at work and I can say that counselling helped me come to terms with it. I was off work for 4 months and the same things were happening to me when I returned to work. I am in the process of raising a grievance against my manager (the HR Director!) and for me this is my closure on the entire process.

I think that you should explore counselling so at least you can release the emotions that you are still carrying and realise that this was not you it was about your boss and the behaviour that was shown to you. I found that once you get your head around this it does help you to move on.

sis · 05/10/2004 15:05

Oh MeanBean, the behaviour you had to put up with sounds awful, I'm not surprised it still raw. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help you but please don't expect too much from yourself right now as you are also coping with other problems (your son's school) and sometimes it is at times like this that things we had thought we had got over come back and hit us as if it was only yesterday that they happened.

Uwila · 05/10/2004 16:10

If you don't mind me asking, how was it brushed under the carpet? Any chance of lifting the carpet up? I know you are gone now. But,I think the best way to let these things rest is to confront them head on.

I haven't actually had this experience (thankfully). But I work in the oil business. When I worked in Texas, there was definitely a gool old boy community and some were a bit sexist. I think it's better over here. But I always remember that these bigots do still exist.

MeanBean · 05/10/2004 23:44

Uwila, it was brushed under the carpet in the sense that they denied it had really happened, and tried to pretend that it had all been a communication breakdown, rather than workplace bullying. The day I went back to work after stress leave, I was taken off to a meeting first thing in the morning, where I was told that they were very sorry if I'd perceived things badly etc. etc., but as I was not going to report directly to the person in question anymore, the problem would be solved. Then later that day, I got the minutes of the meeting back from the Head of HR, which to a third party would have looked as if the meeting had been a disciplinary which was hauling me over the coals. I sent it back unsigned with a memo telling them I'd sue them unless they started taking the issue seriously. So they re-wrote the minutes with more of the truth in them.

I've never been to counselling about it because I never had any doubt whatsoever that I wasn't to blame for what happened. I didn't feel guilty, or that anything I'd done had provoked the bullying, so I wasn't sure that counselling would have told me anything that I didn't already know. Plus I can't afford it!

OP posts:
nightowl · 06/10/2004 03:27

i was bullied for years at my work too by a colleague who was sweetness and light itself until everyone else left the room. i was surposed to be her supervisor but she point blank refused to do work if she felt it was beneath her and management would not take me seriously...it was even suggested when i complained that i was jealous of her! she made my life hell for months on and off...giving me the silent treatment for no good reason etc..makes it worse now that she has my job after i got made redundant when i trained her and picked her for the job...its something that doesnt go away easily. no advice but i know how much it sodding hurts and makes peoples lives a misery.

Tortington · 06/10/2004 19:12

xxxxxxxxxxxmany hugsxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i have experience about the mis communication - i get called paranoid ona regular basis and i am tending to believe it now.

after 2 years i cant stick it any more and am looking for something else - shame the pension package was fab.

i get that sinking feeling every morning and have been genuinley more ill with colds and flu and chest infections blah blah blah it goes on

thing is know what you mean xxxxx maybe the best thing is to get it off you chest on mumsnet or maybe start a webblog (blog)?

xxxx

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