Can I have your input I am up the wall

[Newfypoo1234]

I am week 10 into an unplanned but very much wanted pregnancy. My partner was shocked and surprised like me but we were both very happy with the news and very excited to be the best parents we can be. He was very supportive helping and doing the majority of cleaning and house hold tasks weeks 7 onward (when we found out) but last week his behaviour and demeanor changed entirely. For instance he was distant and quiet, so much so he did not speak for hours at a time, he claimed he was exhausted but at bed time would be awake pretty much all night and had stopped eating regularly and had not eaten for days at a time other than a handful of crisps or nuts. He called in sick to work which is just not like him and said he was worried I may not be satisfied with him and may leave I offered reassurance and suggested he seek counselling or help from gp about his mental state. He is ex forces and also emergency service worker now to provide context. He said this was unnecessary as he knew he needed to stop overthinking and ruminating. After a steely silence night he got up and went to meet a friend then text me to say the relationship had moved too quickly and he felt he didnt know me and wanted to take a step back. I said I would pack his things (he only has 3 bin bag size equivalent things at the house) so I packed these carefully and asked him to collect them so that he wouldn't have to keep asking for things he may need whilst apart and also as I knew it would be easier and less hurtful if we did split to have this done now. He called to collect his things and sat down and said he didnt think it was right to bring a baby into the world as he doesnt know me well or my family well. I said are you asking me to get an abortion to I'm clear on what you're saying and he just reiterated what he said time and time again although eventually said yes I am asking and had googled the process and gestational cut offs for each type of termination. I said I would think and let him know as I wanted him to leave the house. He said he wanted to continue to get to know one another without a baby in the mix and I said that the conversation was over and he needed to leave. He asked me for a hug when he left which I declined.
Within 90 minutes of having this conversation and leaving the house he completely changed tact. Said what he had said was a massive mistake and he loves me and the baby and didnt mean what he says and wants to be a family. I advised him that I didnt want to speak to him as was feeling stressed and upset and felt this rapid change in his point of view was scary and he may just be lying. I refused to see him and turned my phone off. He set about obtaining the addresses I would likely go to and drove around for hours he says until finding me and insisted I speak to him. He said he felt 5here was no point in living if I wouldn't have a relationship with him and be a proper family. I said he needed to seek advice from a mental health professional to give insight into his words and actions and I wouldn't consider speaking to him on the topic further. He initially agreed to see a counsellor if I promised to attend with him which I agreed to and then he changed his mind and will not now see anybody including his gp or even a self help course as he knows what his problems are and can tackle them himself. He says I ought to forgive him as he had a temporary "wobble" and most people get cold feet and I am being unreasonable and cruel. Can I have peoples opinions on this and whether I am doing the right thing. All I ever wanted was a family but I dont think that is someone to enter a relationship with. Thanks

Do not take him back if he doesn’t seek help, or he never will.

Thanks for your reply. He has just made me doubt the seriousness of what hes saying and made me think I could be sabotaging my chance to have the "traditional" family life. I just think hearing that I'm not being cruel or irrational helps me know I am not being dramatic and my concerns are valid x

Gosh he's put you through a right hurricane of stress and emotion there hasn't he. I'm not sure what exactly you want opinions on as its unclear what exactly your current plan is but here are my opinions/suggestions.

Firstly you need to consider your personal position and ensure you are doing the right thing for YOU. I understand that you wanted this baby and were excited by the pregnancy to begin with but that was on the basis/belief that you would be parenting together with him in a good relationship. Assuming the worst and that you and he do not ever reunite, you need to fully think through whether YOU want to continue with this pregnancy if it means going it alone.

If you do still want the baby then that is great, set about making sure that you have all the arrangements in place for you and your baby, regardless of him.

When it comes to him, I would be very wary of taking him back. He clearly has some issues he needs to work through, it is true that a lot of men (and women) go through a panicky 'cold-feet' phase when they find out they are expecting an unplanned child, but his response has been extreme, he has pulled away from you and stating outright that he wanted you to terminate is a bit further than 'cold feet'.

If you decide that you want to continue with the possibility of a relationship with him I would definitely insist that he seeks some help and counselling. If you continue with the pregnancy, I would refuse ALL contact until he has sought help and can provide evidence of this. Be very very cautious about re-entering a relationship with him.

From another perspective he has no possessions in your home anymore, does he still have keys? Do you own/rent together or is it your home individually?

He seems to be very unsure about the baby and your relationship. He needs time out to figure this out. Unfortunately that doesn't leave you with many options, as the pregnancy is not going to wait. Are you considering a termination? If he said it's me or the baby would you? Would you want the baby if you split up?
Whether to have the baby or not is your decision. Whether to have him in your life is also your decision. He does not seem stable enough in his thoughts or deeds at the moment.
First decide whether you want to have the baby regardless of his thoughts or role. Then decide if you want to remain in this relationship. It's not up to him to decide but both of you. Don't wait for him, you decide what's best for you in each scenario.

Whatever you decide, don't factor his input into your decision making. He sounds flaky and possibly some PTSD (hardly surprising, but still) issues going on. Think about yourself, first and foremost

Please run a mile from this man!! Threatening suicide because you won’t be with him is a huge alarm bell. You’re being really clear and firm with him already so you’re doing great. Keep firm.

Personally, I would have serious doubts about having his child, having been through very similar myself and knowing how it has affected mine and my child’s life ever since. He will always have a access to your life as long as you’re the mother of his child. Think really carefully about it.

But if you’re certain you still want to have the baby then go for it, make sure you protect yourself and the baby. Don’t give him any information about where your extended family live, don’t give the baby his surname and I wouldn’t be putting him on the birth certificate but others disagree with that. Keep clear boundaries and don’t be drawn into discussions or negotiations about anything. Prepare for him to threaten you with court any time you don’t do what he wants. And start early with teaching your child assertiveness and how to recognise emotional manipulation because it’s father will certainly use that on them.

Hi thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have never used a forum before but is reassuring to know there are kind people like yourselves there for people in need.

Ah I didnt explain myself very well in my initial post. I only said I would consider the abortion as hed asked so that he would leave the house, at no time would I ever consider doing it then or now despite the unpleasantness which has unfolded.

The home is mine and he now lives back with his mother. I got the key back from him when he left and I also took the added precaution of changing the locks in case he had a spare i am not aware of.

I went to the gp today who advised me to contact police and have every event similar to that of yesterday logged and also to contact a domestic violence help line so things are recorded formally .

JuanSheetIsPlenty
Your situation sounds very unpleasant and I hear your advice and I take it seriously but I just know my conscience wouldn't allow me to abort a baby I just couldnt bare it.

He has already stated he will still be in the delivery room when the baby is born which I have assured him wont be happening under any circumstances and he has told me he wont agree to the forenames I have selected and that we have to agree on ones he approves of. Fortunately his surname is horrible and mine is nice and we had already decided the baby would have my last name and I would of course be giving it my name now. Not placing him on the birth certificate is something I would consider if his behaviour continued or got worse? Ultimately wouldn't it result in court action to get a paternity test and leave me looking unreasonable in the eyes of the courts? I never thought I would have to worry about this kind of thing and I feel like a fish out of water. I now have a new appreciation for the anguish women experience during these types of proceedings.

but I just know my conscience wouldn't allow me to abort a baby I just couldnt bare it.

This is absolutely fine! Please know there is no right or wrong choice here. Each woman’s choice is specific and individual to her. You make the right choice for you which may not be the same as what is the right choice for someone else.

He has already stated he will still be in the delivery room

He has no right at all. Even if you were married he would have no right to be there. You decide who you want with you, and who definitely isn’t allowed in, you tell the midwives and they don’t let anyone in who you don’t want. Please be assured they will protect you in this matter.

he has told me he wont agree to the forenames I have selected and that we have to agree on ones he approves of.

He is wrong. You can register the baby alone, you don’t need his approval on any of the names you chose. Don’t even tell him when you are registering the baby.

Not placing him on the birth certificate is something I would consider if his behaviour continued or got worse?

That’s your choice. From my perspective I can predict exactly how his behaviour will go. I’m sure there are other MNers who recognise his behaviours and tell you where it ends up.

Ultimately wouldn't it result in court action to get a paternity test and leave me looking unreasonable in the eyes of the courts?

It won’t make you look unreasonable. The courts deal with this sort of thing all the time. For them it’s just an application for PR. You are ten weeks pregnant. You have 30 (ish) to go until the baby is born and then another 6 before you have to register the baby. You don’t need to make the decision now. You get to spend the next 7 months observing his behaviour and how he treats you and then can make your decision. It’s entirely possible he will have walked away from you and the baby before it is born and you’ll never need to get to a court. Or it’s possible he just won’t bother taking it to court even if he is involved with the baby.

My advice to you for now would be to stop engaging with him. His contact/behaviour is causing you stress and you don’t need that whilst pregnant. There is no reason for you to be in contact until the baby is born. (If you even want him to know when that happens) he has no right to attend any of your medical appointments. It’s up to you whether you keep him informed of how scans go etc. But other than that I wouldn’t be contacting him. Protect yourself.

Honestly where do you think his behaviour will end up?

How long have you been together? This is dangerous behaviour from him, has he been angry/ controlling/ manipulative in the past? No way would I let this bloke near me if I were you.

I think you’ll spend a shitload of your parenting life receiving manipulating, abusive and possibly threatening contact from him. He’ll probably go for periods of time not seeing your child, he’ll disappear off the radar then when he thinks he has his head sorted he’ll appear again and insist on access. Which as a protective parent you will be cautious about. He won’t accept boundaries being placed on his access to his child and he’ll threaten court, tell you you’re responsible for his suicide thoughts or attempts. Take you back and forth to court. You’ll be forced to make your child go and spend time with him even if you think it’s emotionally harmful to your child. Basically I don’t think this man will make parenting a happy experience for you or your child.

Best case scenario- he drops out of your life completely as early as possible. I’d be aiming to establish that as the norm now by having no further contact with him.

You've done everything perfectly.

You didn't waver when he said what he did. You followed through, haven't wavered (yet) and have set boundaries.

I'd say you need to stop engaging with all of these conversations and don't have contact / minimal contact and about baby only. Get a cheap pay as you go phone that is text/calls only and give him this new number for all future contact. Tell him if there is any excessive calls/messages or anything not baby related then he'll be ignored and then blocked if it persists.
Block him on your 'proper' number and don't answer any calls if you don't recognise the number. If it's important they'll leave a message and can call back.
Block him on all social media and make sure your social media is set to show NOTHING unless you are friends with someone.

You just keep doing exactly what you're doing. Well done.

We were together for under a year. But I knew him as a colleague before then. Of course I wouldn't have planned to get pregnant so soon but these things happen.
He has always been very very jealous when I speak to male friends, it did result in me speaking to them less which in light of his actions lately seem very red flags I've missed and misinterpreted it for being a bit insecure. Also asking lots of questions about my exes too.

I think you've done all the right things. in addition to what you have done already follow the advice from your GP and that was you know you've taken every precaution for yourself and your child.

The chances are nothing will come of this in a dramatic sense but at least you will be ready for anything, just in case.

Going forward if you want anyone to talk to during your pregnancy or afterwards please do message me. I am also a single parent and have been since before the birth of my child and I by choice did not register the father on the birth certificate and have been completely cut off and independent of him. It was the right decision to make but it has not been easy over the years so if you would like any support please please message me.

Juansheetisplenty

That is such a very sad thing to read but I appreciate seeing the worst case scenario in black and white. Hopefully it will be the latter and he will lose interest but I very much doubt it. Hearing this i am better equipped to anticipate and combat myself better. Thank you

Soup for brains, that is so kind of you to say, I will definitely take you up on that. Thank you again for your time

Whatever way it goes OP- you’re clearly a person with your head screwed on and you’ve already recognised how damaging his behaviour is. That stands you in good stead to deal with whatever comes. One thing I found helpful when dealing with my ex was not to respond to any contact from him straight away. Read it, then set the phone down and go away and think about how I needed to respond. And also helpful to speak to others (like family or even on MN) to see if there was anything I wasn’t seeing. For example, my ex would sometimes appear to be asking me about something to do with DC (because he knew I would only speak to him about DC) when in reality it was a prelude to him finding out my plans for the weekend, or a way for him to instigate an argument so he would have “valid” reason not to see Dc at his contact time. Sometimes I didn’t spot it straight away and it would be suggested by a MNer that that was his plan. I learned to spot his behaviours after a while and knew how to avoid giving anything away.

Juansheetisplenty
Thanks I feel better equipped with your advice and I'll be sure to follow it to the letter.

The update is he told me this morning at 4am he doesnt love me and doesnt want the baby. He shouldn't have got into our relationship as he is still in love with his ex and besotted with her baby which he treated as his own, he was with her one year and in that time split up with her multiple times and she left him to get back with the babies dad he told people. Just absolutely shell shocked. Been played for the entire relationship. He has said hes buying his own house and will make preparations for being a dad as he said I wont get an abortion........

Sorry to hear that OP. That’s bound to hurt. It possible he has said all this to make you jealous and get you to plead for him to come back. Or maybe it’s how he genuinely feels. Either way- I wouldn’t engage with it. It doesn’t require a response. You just need to plan for being a single mum. I’d draw a line under him now and start getting excited about being a mum and enjoy your pregnancy. I very much regret not allowing myself to enjoy or get excited about my pregnancies due to the circumstances with their dad and I vowed that if I were ever to become pregnant again I would enjoy it no matter the circumstances.

He is just finally being honest I think. I advised him I dont want to see or hear from him till I have to which is when the baby arrives September. Told him I dont want my experience tarnished more by his presence before then and he wont be invited to antenatal etc.