Cutting off contact with family

[SLC352]

First post on here and just interested in others experiences with difficult family members and whether anyone has reached the point of cutting off all contact. I recently decided enough was enough with my psychologically abusive dad. After 35 years of never feeling good enough, continual criticism and selfishness (and some recent triggering events that brought it all to a head) I have come to decide that it's best for my mental health to cut all contact with him. My brother is still in touch with him and my aunties (his sisters) feel it's really sad and wish we could make amends. I have not spoken to him since August last year and he has not tried to get in touch/apologise. I felt a huge sense of relief after I contacted him to let him know that I'd be doing that and my reasons why and I've felt much better since, although obviously the fact I've done it crops up and makes me think about what happened. I have no regrets though and am happy with my decision.

I just wondered if anyone else had ever come to reach this point and how it all planned out? X

Oh yes and you will find many many more too , the stately Homes thread is good for that .
I'm still struggling going nc but I don't regret my decision.
You will find that people will say it's a shame and yes it is but you don't deserve this behaviour family or not we wouldn't except it from a friend so why should we just because it's family .
I've no real advice just that I understand and that you have made a decision that is right for you .

I am NC with my parents and more or less NC with my sibling.

It came after many, many years and the final straw was standing in my own home with father wagging his finger at me, increasingly angry and refusing to leave my house.

It has been peaceful for over a year now. The first Xmas and birthdays for the DC we got presents and cards for them, then they sent cheques, which we did not cash. They have now got the message and nothing is sent.

I have seen mother once or twice in the supermarket as we still live in the next town over and sometimes I go to my hometown for shopping or visiting friends.

I don't see much of the rest of my family as my parents are 'gate keepers' for want of a better word, to some of the older members. It's a shame as I got on brilliantly with my grandmother even though she has Alzheimers and is beautifully barking mad. But they constantly tell her she is making it up, is wrong or imagining things instead of going with what makes her happy (she isn't violent or a danger to herself or others with her tales). I am trying to see her but finding when my parents visit has proven difficult and whenever I've called, their cars have been in the carpark.

Anyway, from a positive pov, it has done wonders for my mental health and self esteem. I no longer put myself in the shadow of my parents and their limiting beliefs of me. I no longer worry about the effect they are having on my children. But I am highly conscious of the effect my childhood has had on me and how I react to my children. I have seen some patterns emerge that I remember and am doing everything I can not to repeat them.

Oh, and father refuses to apologise for his behaviour. Initially I tried to still see mother but she kept excusing his behaviour with 'you know what your dad's like' and trying to get me to apologise for not putting up with his threatening behaviour, as well as not listening to me when I tried to explain how it made me feel. It became easier not to see her at all as she put them at the forefront of every conversation.

I did see mother once at my home. She knocked on the door and DH answered, she was verbally abusive to him so he shut the door in her face. She was still there when I got downstairs, she thrust a bag of things from parents house that belonged to my children (although a lot were actually my Niece's things) and proceeded to scream and shout at me about DH. I told her if she didn't have anything nice to say then to not bother coming back because she wasn't welcome at my house anymore.

A few months after that, she called in on my parents in law and proceeded to bad mouth dh and I to them. They made notes of the conversation and spoke to us about it. They were horrified someone they had thought reasonably well of could be so awful and vindictive. Quite what mother thought they would do I don't know. My PIL are fabulous people. They welcomed me into their family, treat me like a daughter and have been more than a mother to me than my own. I have been able to talk to them about things which my own parents just dismissed without hearing.

Honestly, it has been the best thing I have ever done. It was so freeing.

Yes completely agree with the freeing feeling!!!!! Thank you for the validation ladies!

And yes that’s my thinking-if a partner or friend treated me like that I would not (and have not!) put up with it. I think having a baby has REALLY made me realise and reflect on his relationship with my brother and I and how he behaves towards us. He’s sent my daughter a Christmas and birthday present but wondering how long it’ll continue. He’s playing the victim as usual when it comes to how he’s portraying it to the family! It’s the best thing for my daughter to have nothing to do with him!