Hi everyone. I'm new and just looking for some advice and opinions. I feel unable to talk to family and friends at the moment. Sorry this is so long!
I've been with my OH for 4 and a half years. We've had rows in the past but it's never been physical - he shouts but that's about it. We'd been going through a particularly stressful time recently in relation to planning a house move, and we had a row one morning about it. He seemed extremely angry - more so than I'd seen before. That evening we sat down to talk and he drank quite an amount of straight whiskey and proceeded to start ranting at me. He forbid me from speaking and then when I wanted to leave the room as I felt uncomfortable (he was like a different man, even his eyes were strange), he stood up and blocked the door, told me I could leave until he said so, and pushed me back onto the couch. A short while later I saw an opportunity to leave so I got out and went upstairs, told my 13 year old daughter to pack a bag for the night and planned to get away from him until he calmed down. He then came upstairs and stood at the bedroom door ranting at me about me being "pathetic", in front of my daughter. I basically sat in a corner of the bed telling him to leave me alone or I'd call the police as he was scaring me. He then proceeded to come towards me so I pressed the call button. He left the room as soon as the call connected.
I wouldn't have rang the police if I hadn't genuinely feared for mine and my daughter's safety - I've never before seen him like that and I didn't know what he was going to do.
The police took him to his mums for the night. I was beside myself upset and confused as to how a man I've known for so long - a caring and gentle man - could frighten me so much. Instead of being sorry, he was still angry the next day. He was furious that I'd called the police (although I didn't press charges, the nature of his job is such that he has to report any contact with police). He said I'd get him in trouble with work. I felt basically like he was blaming me. There was no apology (not straight away anyway), no remorse, and the apology I eventually got days later didn't feel genuine as he's made comments at different points since it happened to imply that he was justified in his actions (because I "stressed him out by being stressed myself"), or that it wasn't that serious ("it's not as if I punched you in the face"). Etc.
I feel genuinely traumatised and incredibly sad trying to accept that the man I loved could make me feel so frightened and vulnerable, and then justify or minimise his actions afterwards. He wants to make things work. He insists it was a drink fuelled one off, as a result of work and home stress, and he said he bottles stuff up and doesn't know how to deal with it. So it comes out like that. He swears it won't happen again. But I just don't feel comfortable around him.
I suppose my questions are, is this domestic violence? He didn't hit me after all. Was I justified in calling the police, or did I overreact? Is is possible to be traumatised by a one off like this? And should I take him back??
Sorry this is so long!! Suanne xx