Hertbreaking watching Mum slowly kill herself - we're just waiting, it seems

[janestillhere]

Bit fed up tonight. Cut a long story short, my Mum has cirrhosis of the liver due to long term alcohol consumption.
She suffered cerebral damage last year when I was 2 months pregnant with dd. I have ds 8yrs also. She is not the mum I knew anymore and I am gutted. Really gutted. It's like she has already died, yet there is someone in her armchair that looks similar, yet has only 50% of the personality and essence that she once was.
I feel as if we are waiting for that dreaded call in the night to say something has happened, yet when will it come. No-one knows. She is still drinking and her and father are both depressed. I feel more sorry for Dad, as they were going to travel and do great things when he retired and this has happened. He now has NOTHING to look forward to, and I can't reassure him, because it's true. She has limited mobility now and several symptoms of cirrhosis that are quite obvious as time goes by.
Just feel so bloody helpless and useless.
Anyone experience of similar?

Meant to type HEARTBREAKING but was so excited to be starting new thread...not

just had to post and say how sorry i am, beyond that i can't help

xx
zippi

Honestly you wondn't believe my wedding dvd. It's like a different person is on it.
Thanks though Pippi

remember that it is not in your power to have done anything more for her..sometimes people are not reachable and this is one of those times...you aren't useless because you are doing good for those you can be there for your own family and your dad

Zippi I'm sorry I called you pippi.
Yes you're right of course. I feel like I've almost 'distanced' myself alittle from the situation - it's like self preservation isn't it? I do go round every day, but don't look forward to it, and that makes me feel very guilty.
I feel lucky I can come home and be with dh, baby dd and ds. It's a relief eh?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I know exactly how hard it is to watch someone you care about waste their life.

My mother died of alcoholic poisoning and cirrhosis of the liver, when my dd was 18 mths old. My DD didn't get to know her gran, as I couldn't take her to the house (the beautiful family home I'd grown up in)as it was a filthy hovel with excrement and rats everywhere.

I have empathy for the situation, but am not the best person to give you support as I didn't like my mother at all by the end - loved her, but not liked.

Do you go to Al Anon? I found they were a great help in coming to terms with the situation. When I first went I thought they would give me the 'tools' to change her, but they gave me the tools to change me instead. One of the 10 steps is that we acknowledge we have no control of the situation. Even thinking of the Serenity verse makes me feel calmer,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So sorry to hear this jane, I would second al-anon as a support network for yourself. Alcoholism is a chronic and terminal illness if left untreated and nothing you could have done would change the outcome. It's so frustrating to watch someone you love go down that path and be powerless to help them.

I wish you well.

You poor girl

My father left home when I was five, and my mother took to drinking. I grew up with a drunk mother, and it isn't something I would wish on anybody.

She died when I was 23 and she was 45, and the impact of my upbringing (and her sad and lonely death) has impacted hugely on my life and aspirations.

It is possible to survive, but she has to give up immediately. Beyond that, and I'm being brutally honest here, you must prepare yourself for her death. And it may happen very quickly.

Unfortunately, there is very little that you can do for her unless she wishes to do it for herself. This, I am sure, makes you feel emotionally washed out ... that your own mother would kill herself when she has you. Do you mean nothing to her? Does she not love you? Was I/am I a crap kid?

Yes, you are helpless and useless in the face of it. No one subscribed to this particular form of misery, least of all you. My only, and very good advice to you at this juncture is this:

Take a deep breath, remember that you are loved, and that none of this is your fault. Talk to her, on your knees if you have to, and try to get her to AA. Try this for a month and no more. Tell her that you will go with her. If she has been brain damaged by alcohol, AA has an evangelism that might appeal to her at this stage.

If she won't go, at least you can't beat yourself up over it. And it's really important that you don't suffer guilt. Believe me, I speak from horrible experience

God janestillhere that's rough, please listen to Desi, she's not only talking sense but from the heart! Desi, fekin hell mate (((((Desi, alycat, janesstillhere)))) x

Mhamai, you are one of the most gorgeous women on Mumsnet

I reckon jane's gone to bed, but she and aly will pick this up in the morning.

Kokeshi is a recovering alcoholic whose thread I've been following for a while. Again, she can give you an invaluable insight.

Mhamai, thank you for the group hug.

Desi, sorry for what you've been through - sounds quite similar to my experience although it was my Father who died when I was 23 leaving my Mother to continue drinking herself to death unimpeeded when I was 28, she had been an alcoholic all my life. Excellent advice, you are a very knowledgeable and senisible person.

My mother impacted hugely on my life and aspirations too, I cannot forgive her or my self for many things that happened.

I agress wholeheartedly with the sad advice that jane may just have to accept that despite the bended knee pleading (been there/done that)she may just have to accept her mother is slowly self distructing. The only person she can protect now is herself.

Thanks everyone for the hugs and thoughts. It's great we can post a message when we're down and people are really there to listen.
Sometimes I don't want to be whingeing to dh when things get on top of me because it's been said before, many times.
Mums quite adamant she will drink, so there is little we can do. It's just so sad. She's only 61 fgs.
Sometimes I wish it would be quick, the end I mean. The idea of someone, even if they're a shadow of their former self, dying ever so slowly is too painful to contemplate. xxx
Just nipping out.

I find it so sad reading about someone who has given up in this way, because there is an alternative if she wants it bad enough.

Like Desi said, I am a recovering alcoholic, but I've also been on the other side. My husband went so far down the line that he felt his only way out was to take his own life.

It sounds like she is resigned to her fate. have you or anyone else tried to talk to her about AA? If she won't consider it, you should definitely seek support in Al-Anon, it will give you the tools to help you cope with your mother's illness.