I want to propose to my partner. Is this a good idea?

[KittyDog234]

Ok, here goes.

I’m nearly 32, me and my partner have a 3 year old and are planning to try for baby number 2 in a couple of months. I have been married before but have no children. I would like to get married again, I would like the added security that I feel marriage provides and I would like to share the same surname as my current and further children.

However, I am currently a stay at home Mum, so not a lot of cash for either a wedding or to pay for a wedding. Also, having been married before I would like it to be a small wedding. I don’t want a fuss.

We also have a problem in that his Mums a strict Catholic and I’m divorced, so she wouldn’t see us as being married and we both have discussed marriage and have said that as we are happy as we are we wouldn’t want to upset his Mum. However, my feelings have changed since we last had that conversation. I now want to get married. Should I propose as it’s a leap year! Or should I discuss this with him and see what he says. Personally i would be happy to do it very quietly in a registry office with just friends or colleagues as witnesses and no one else, but he hasn’t been married before.

I need advice. Any thoughts or opinions welcome. I just want an unbiased opinion that I would be be able to get by asking a family member or close friend.

Seems very sensible to want to get married in your situation OP.

For me personally, I would sound him out first and then (possibly) if he's up for it, then do the grand romantic gesture proposal on Feb 29th. Not because of sexist claptrap about women shouldn't propose, but because you've previously agreed not to marry, it might come as a bit of a shock to him and he have a bit of kneejerk reaction. Then again I don't really go for surprises or big gestures in general, though there's nothing wrong with liking them, if that's how you and your partner roll. But you and he do seem to have some complex issues to think through with religious problems, relationship with his mum, your mutual responsibilities to each other and your son as well as all the emotional stuff that comes around a wedding, clearly you have thought about it a lot and come to your conclusion, whereas he probably hasn't given it a second thought thinking the decision was already made. For me it only seems fair to give him the same opportunity for calm (re)consideration, rather than spring a possibly fraught choice on him in an emotionally charged moment...

This may be very wrong of me, but if neither of you are bothered about a big do anyway, and there's no way your DP's Mum could ever be brought around to accepting it and she'd be genuinely really upset, then you could consider just going through the registry office formalities quietly and not telling her you've done it. I know it's a very big lie (of omission) but if she'd never find out then it won't hurt her.

On the other hand I know quite a few people who have very sincere principled/religious objections to the marriage/choice of partner of their DC (partner of a different religion for instance, or a partner who has very different political views), and in nearly every case, once it's clear the marriage is going ahead they've at least appeared to accept it - not to say they are happy or have fundamentally changed their minds of course but faced with the choice of falling out with a beloved child they usually are prepared to stomach their objections if not actively endorse it... so if presented to his Mum as a fait accompli she may be OK. Surely if she won't see it as a valid marriage, for her not much will change? You are living together with a child unmarried now, and you will still be in the same situation (albeit with a lot more legal security) then? Appreciate it's probably more complex than that though!

I think as you've previously had the conversation and have now changed your mind you need to discuss it before proposing.

His DM has no issue with you having kids but not being married, but an issue with him marrying a divorced woman? Erm no none of her business.

Thank you for your responses! It’s so nice to get some opinions without bias.

I think maybe discussing it with my partner is the right think. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with his mother which is as good as can be expected at the moment, and I don’t want to ruin what is already a happy relationship.

I just wish I didn’t have this craving to be married, but I’ve had it for about a year and just can’t shake it off!

It's a leap year so you get on your bended knee on the 29th.
Getting married doesn't have to be expensive, and it makes a lot of sense legally.
It's a bit weird that your 'MIL' is ok about you having children with her son but not with you marrying him.

Good luck.