WWYD re death of SIL

[legalseagull]

II am NC with my brother. Have been for 10 years. He has alienated the whole family and no longer speaks to anyone. If you don't do exactly what he wants he will cut all ties. He is on his fifth wife and has five children that he has no relationship with. He believes all his ex wives are horrible. Real victim.

Despite him cutting me out of his life I did everything to stay in contact. Shamelessly chased him because I love him. He changed his phone number, email and Facebook details. I have seen him once and he cried with happiness that I had 'come back to him' (he really does think he was forced to cut me out for not doing what he wanted). Once I reiterated that I still wouldn't do what he wanted he stopped contact again.

I've just found out his wife died a few weeks ago. He will be broken as she's the only person he has left. I can't bare thinking of him in pain. He must think I knew but didn't care.

WWYD? Contact him? Or leave it as he's made his choice? There's NO WAY he would contact me if my DH or even my kids died.

Its your last sentence thats jumped out to me. I was verging on a card saying im sorry about your wife and im here if you want to talk, but if you know for certainty that he would never contact you or acknowledge if your dh or your dc died, then no.

I’d reach out. But just once
He’s the kind of person that will never reach out to you but it doesn’t Mean you have to be the same.

Reach out once but don’t persist if he ignores you, respect his privacy

@Phillipa12 I know it's true as a very close relative did die and he did nothing. But then I'm torn as I'm a better person than him

I don’t think you will ever feel comfortable with yourself if you don’t make one attempt to contact him.

Better person? Or perhaps more in need of the relationship.

If your db knows how to contact you then presumably he would have done.
It's really your call but you seem to set yourself up for rejection continually.
Make contact , expect nothing and move on.
Some siblings are like this I know from experience.

I’d stay non-contact myself. You’d just be setting yourself up for yet another painful rejection at some point.

There's NO WAY he would contact me if my DH or even my kids died.

^Five wives, five kids he has no relationship with. I wouldn’t want to know my brother if he did this.

Do what you feel is right.

A card expressing sympathy is both a kind thought and a way for HIM to contact YOU in response if he wants to. If he didnt make contact after, then no way would I bother again

i'm a cynic and i'd leave it tbh he's made it clear how he feels about things, 5 wives ffs ? if they all cheated on him that's one thingbut as he has form for being a knob i don't blame them. you only have his say so they left him.
i could feel empathy for him but not sympathy that would go to the dc he doesn't see.

I’d leave it too, you reap what you sow

I wouldn't contact him. He isn't going to change.

I think I would send a card. Then you know that you reached out and offered sympathy. If it was me and I ignored it, I would end up feeling guilty or bad.

There’s no harm in sending a sympathy card then just getting on with ur life. If he gets in touch great but if not no harm done

If he does have anything to do with you after you reach out to him it will be for a limited time and whilst he needs you. After that you will be dropped and feel worse then you do now. He will not all of a sudden want a relationship with you.

Thank you everyone. Your varied responses are all echoing my conflicting thoughts! I'm going to sleep on it a little while longer. You are right that if he needed me he knows where I am. Me contacting him might actually be a head fuck for him. He obviously doesn't want contact with me. But then maybe he does but is too stubborn. Ahhhhh. What a twat to cause this situation with everyone in his life. I can't forgive him for the way he's treated my family, but I still love him.

“There's NO WAY he would contact me if my DH or even my kids died.”

You can’t let other people set your standards.

He honestly sounds as if he has a personality disorder or something.

I would send him a card or letter.

My brother cut me out of his life when I got pregnant with my eldest and was not married. Despite me staying with the same person and having 2 more children he never willingly spoke to me again. He was fine with our siblings it was just me. If we met at a family party and I spoke to him he would be fine and if I contacted him he wouldn’t be nasty he was just ashamed because I wasn’t married. I think he was surprised when I did get get married and didn’t invite him because I had given up trying. ( I was not allowed to see my nieces during the unmarried time). Fast forward many years and I get told he is dying and wants to see me everyone was shocked when I said no I had made my peace with not having a relationship with him and did not want to put myself through that. Some people don’t deserve our time or thoughts and your brother sounds like that type of person.

@user1498572889 I'm so sorry you're going through that. Well done for being so strong to protect yourself. I know contacting him will only lead to upset either way. Either he ignores me or he wants a relationship which tbh I don't want now. I can't forgive him and any relationship would be so hard and so one sided as always. However, I want him to know that he is loved and that I'm thinking of him. Ideal result - he'd message back saying "thanks" but nothing more