Cruel to be kind?

[Kia]

A friend of mine had a child in her late 30s and is a successful career woman, and freely admits that she shouldn't allow the child to get away with as much bad behaviour as she does. The problem is that the child is now starting to be bullied because she is very overweight. Mum lets her eat what, when and how much she wants and I dont think the word 'no' has ever been uttered in their house. The unutterably sad thing is that my friend herself was a grossly overweight child and suffered herself terribly from bullies because of this. I cannot imagine how my friend can have forgotten her own painful childhood and allowed her own child to get so far down this same road. If I say anything to her, she may never speak to me again, any suggestions?

How old is the child?

This may be a terrible thing to say and I may be right off line but is there any chance your friend in some strange way "enjoys" her daughter being overweight? The reason I ask this is I can think of two women I know, both successful and glamourous (and VERY concerned about their own appearances) who have allowed their little girls to get very fat and it has occurred to me it may perhaps suit the women concerned not to have any competition from their daughters if you see what I mean.

I don't see what her being successful has to do with anything to be honest.

I'm speaking directly from experience because I know someone on benefits who didn't care what her child ate or did. Not to say if you are on benefits you will be like that either but it's the same problem but on the other end of the social spectrum.

The bullying is shocking. That can't be allowed to go on. I don't like the idea that the person has to change to accommodate this scum.

However, the child needs to lose weight for health reasons.

I wonder, how do you know the child is being bullied? Did she tell you? If so, maybe that's your way into this conversation - ie you could ask her how her daughter is coping and sympathise with her problem, then ask what she's being bullied about. If your friend says it's because of her daughter's weight, then maybe you can ask her what she thinks about it and maybe even say, 'didn't something similar happen to you when you were young? It must have been very painful' etc. This might give you an opportunity to ask your friend whether her daughter wanted to lose weight or was happy as she was which opens up the whole subject. I just think you might get on better by asking questions than offering advice. Certainly to start with. I would hate anyone telling me my ds was too fat or something, though if he was getting bullied I would certainly try to do something about it.

With regard to your friend seemingly repeating how she was brought up, maybe this is the only way she knows to be a parent. Lots of us do "unknowingly" copy how we were parented. I think the bullying is a bigger issue that you could help with like jbr says. You could also talk generally about nutrition whilst not being overtly critical of your friend.

The child is 8, an only child and her parents have been married for some years. I'm trying to be a bit discrete here since I've bragged about this website to so many people, someone might recognise themselves. I think she'd be mortified if she thought I'd discuss this in public. She doesn't know how supportive we are to one another when the chips are down.

When I said my firend is a successful business woman, I didn't mean to imply anything other than the fact that she is an exceptionally busy woman who may not have as much time as she'd like with her daughter due to work and other family 'carer' responsibilities she has. Also, it's not that she doesn't care, I think it's the dilemma we all face when it's easier to be nice mummy and say yes all the time, rather than the wicked witch of the west which we hate being!

I think I'll try the routes you've suggested, thanks very much everyone. I'll let you know.

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This must be very difficult for you. It sounds like the little girl is comfort-eating and is associating food with her mum's love/approval. All I can think of is that somehow you encourage your friend to give non-food rewards/ signs of affection.

I think Aloha's advice is excellent. I was bullied at school and I would have loved for a concerned adult to help. Don't be afraid of asking the little girl directly, she might find it easier to talk to you, and you can then bring the subject up with her mum.

Good luck.