Feel so stupid and useless

[sweetkitty]

Here's my problem, I'll try and keep it brief:

5 years ago I passed my driving test, got my first car about 5 months after that but was too scared to drive it, kept stalling it (once when I was turning right at 50 mph oncoming traffic) anyway would only drive to and from work (very easy road) never anywhere new and busy.

3 years ago DP wrote off this car (another story) and we haven't had a car since. Following DD's arrival we recently bought a car, I had had 2 attempts at driving it, both 5 minute journeys both disasters, not helped by DP shouting at me. Having DD in the car also makes me more nervous.

Last year I had a course of hypnotherapy and some additional driving lessons to try and get over this fear. The driving instructor said there was nothing wrong with my driving and I needed more practice thats all and I was wasting my money.

The thought of driving the car makes me feel sick and close to having a panic attack. The thing is I really need to drive but just the thought of it makes me feel so ill. It causes so many agruments between DP and I as he has to do all the driving and I moan at him at being stuck in the hosue all day. I feel so useless as everyone else seems to be able to do it so why can't I?

Anyone got any suggestions or should I just accept I'll never be able to drive?

You have passed your driving test..So you can drive...You just need someone in the car to make you a safer person,for your own peace of mind.....
You are not alone...I get just like you but now thankfully, only before a test..I wanted to try hypno but now from somewhere else i have built up my confidence..I know this doesnt help much but you can do it..where abouts are you?

Message withdrawn

wow -you could have been talking about me about 6 months ago (minus the hypnotherapy).

I passed my test at 18 and didn't drive at all until recently. Driving used to make me panic and lose control of my legs (not great in a manual car!!). I hated it.

One night i just got in the car just me and drove. The least stressful drive i have ever had. No one yelling at me and i have to say i havem'tlooked back.

If the stalling is a big problem then have you considered an automatic

thanks

I know I can drive if there was no other cars on the road I would happily get in the car, when I am driving I just panic and lose control. I've had a few near misses and been hit by a bus because I was too cautious at a roundabout (was the buses fault though)!

I'm in central London which doesn't help.

I was the world's worst driver, like that woman on the tv show whatever her name was.But eventually practice made me better. If oyu have passed your test then you know you can do it, but you need to do it at your own pace without DP making you nervous and little by little.You could try small journeys at quieter times to the supermarket etc, or just around the block to get back into it....good luck.

You're not stupid or useless, just nervous. London is incredibly nerve-wracking to drive in, but on the plus side with all traffic jams it moves slowly most of the time. I tend to have a total immersion attitude to things that scare me, but it may not work for you.

1. work out what you're most nervous of, and rationalise why it doesn't really matter eg. if you're most afraid of crashing - that's what you have insurance for, if you're afraid of people yelling at you - well they're just tossers, you wouldn't stand for it if someone criticise you for walking along the pavement badly.

2. drive every day (without your dp, he's just making it worse for you) for at least 20 mins. You'll hate it, but once you've done your 20 mins don't think about it again until the next day, if something goes wrong put it out of your mind - and then one day you'll just drive without thinking about it.

Actually reading back over that it sounds a bit trite, so ignore it if you know it won't be right for you. I tend to get very annoyed with myself for being scared, so I make myself do the scary thing more often than I need to, but I may be a bit weird .

oh gawd sweetkitty, you are really not alone

I HATE DRIVING

stupid thing is I am a good driver and I am very confident when I do drive. Just the thing is I wont get in the driving seat.

have you tried refresger lessons? i keep meaning to, but think whats the point as I dont have a car in the week when I would need it

You really are not stupid and useless. I had tons of lessons but failed my test. You've passed and if you can pass a driving test you MUST be a good driver. I've given up with a manual car now and am starting automatic lessons next month. Was going to give up and never drive again until dh said maybe I'm just one of those people who can't drive. That made me angry and determined! Don't let anyone tell you you can't do something. You just need practice without anyone shouting at you. Good luck

sweetkitty - fio2's suggestion of refresher lessons is just what I was going to say.

Why not tell them that you want to drive specific routes and then drive them a few times to get used to it? Ie home to supermarket & back, home to nursery/school etc. Maybe that's all you'll need to start off.

Good luck.

No advice, but sympathy. I have my license but hate to drive. I, too, get close to panic attacks, and sometimes even have full blown panic attacks and have to pull over to the side of the road.

But I live in London so driving is hardly essential.

I do know, though, as someone who has suffered from various phobias and been treated for them that avoidance really is the worst thing you can do. So, NO, don't accept that you'll "never be able to drive" but keep getting in the car & driving. You'll think of every excuse possible to avoid driving, but you must override that inclination. How about driving with someone else at first. Your dp is probably not a good choice. How about a friend?

Get another driving instructor. A more understanding one. My godmother has a driving instructor she uses on a regular basis, every 6 months or so. When she wants to drive a new route, she schedules a lesson or two, and they drive back and forth on the new route until she feels secure. She knows she can drive, and she can even drive strange places if she has to, but she's more comfortable doing it this way. She drives to work every day, and has been driving for 40 years.

I drive all over the place, but I don't like it much and have gone through periods where I hated it. Plus I've never learned to drive a manual transmission! And I've visited Australia maybe a dozen times and never driven there, terrified of being on the "wrong" side of the road.

I passed my test when I was 23 and got a car when I was 26 but hated driving it and avoided it as much as possible. I forced myself (yes, forced is the right word!) to drive short journeys to the local supermarket etc when I was pregnant and can now drive locally.

Although, initially, I learnt to drive in central London, I have never driven there since passing my test. I need to plan all journeys really carefully and still hate driving with passengers -ds is okay but anyone else is very off putting.

The point is that it was incredibly scarey when I first started driving after passing my test - I was worried about it for days beforehand and even if I successful drove somewhere, I couldn't relax because I knew I'd have to drive back home! but the point is, I am getting there - very, very slowly, but I am getting there and so will you sweetkitty but for some of us, driving is rarely fun although, I have enjoyed a few journeys recently (hardly any traffic). Good Luck.

californiagirl - I cannot believe that tale about your grandmother! No offence but that is NOT a driver. Anyone who doesn't feel comfortable or confident behind the wheel of a weighty, speedy, lump of metal should not be on the road!

i too would say get another instructor, ring a school with more than one instructor, tell them your anxieties and say you would like an instructor who will help you overcome these.
before i learnt odrive i'd been in an accident with a friend and was terrified of cars and driving, i rang BSM, told them that i didn't really want to learn and why and they said they had one particular instructor that would be just perfect and he was. i passed first time after 4 months of weekily lessons.

thanks everyone

I know the longer I leave it the worse it gets, refresher lessons seem like the way forward although money is v tight right now (maternity leave and house move) it would mean DP looking after DD for an hour but that would be OK.

I lie in bed worrying about it constantly, feel so c* about myself.

SK, don't worry about it when you're not actually driving - you're just reinforcing your anxieties. If you imagine what can go wrong then those thoughts are more likely to jump into your head when you're behind the wheel. Have some positive thoughts - the way that athletes imagine themselves winning to give themselves motivation and confidence. Imagine driving confidently, holding your own space on the road and not being nervous at junctions. If you find that hard think of someone you know who you feel is a good, confident driver and imagine you are that person, try to feel how that person feels when driving.

And when the negative thoughts come in have a neutral, but demanding daydream to stop your mind drifting into negativeness. When I was having IVF my night-time day dream was designing my perfect house in every detail (if you're interested I lined my walk-in wardrobe in Canadian cedar), but you might plan your unlimited budget wardrobe, or perfect holiday, so long as it absorbs your brain. You're not even a bit c*, so don't let your imagination tell you that you are.

SK - my sis was a very nervous driver, to the extent that she stopped for a long time. She eventually got an automatic, and couldnt believe the difference. She lost a lot of her fear and built her confidence up. She will drive anywhere now! I have to say that I was a much more confident (and probably better) driver when I drove an automatic car too.

Haven't read all this, but the best thing for me was to get in the car ALONE and go for a drive!! I haven't looked back since. TTBH, I think the real driving lessons begin AFTER you pass your test.

Absolutely right Aero!!

Sweetkitty if you can learn to drive in London you can drive anywhere!
I'm back in Scotland now, but moved to London not long after learning to drive.
Can well remember my first week - flatmate had gone on hols and told me to use his car (Think mine was in the garage). Bad move.
The first night I had it went to pick up my boyfriend from the tube - and hit another car as was getting out of the parking space!
A few days later - before the flatmate got back I went to pick it up (after repairs) from the garage. It was down a very narrow road and at one point I just froze as a van came towards me. The driver behind got out, kicked the poor flatmate's car, called me every name under the sun etc etc.
After that I just got on with it - because I would rather have had another crash than be shouted at like that again.
Mmmm maybe this is not a helpful post. But it does get better, honest .

sweetkitty- sounds like your confidence has taken a bashing. Don't take dd in the car with you until you're happy to as she is probably a disrarction and worrying you.
Either go for a course of lessons to build up your confidence or go driving on your own- you're going to have to bite the bullet and do it. Rather than driving aimlessly around though drive to a friends house so that you've got something to look forward to at the end. Good luck you CAN do it

JoolsToo, my godmother's been driving 40 years without an accident. And it's not like she just goes to the shops down the block; most of that time she's been working, with a significant commute to and from work every day. I think it's silly to say she's not a safe driver just because she's nervous, and unkind to say it in a thread where that's exactly what's worrying sweetkitty. If you're so scared you can't react, then you may be unsafe. But a driver who's scared enough to be alert is better than one who's overconfident. Pilots will tell you that a pilot who's not scared isn't safe.

Lots of people are scared of driving, it's perectly reasonable to be scared, and you can learn to make it work for you instead of against you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing more practice and support than the average, and a good teacher will work with you. If a professional tells you all you need is practice, then what you need to do is figure out what kind of practice works best for you: alone in a safe place, with a supportive friend, with a teacher on the routes you're going to use...

sweetkitty, not read all this but wanted to say yes you will be able to drive. I was like you, passed my test, didn't drive for years, only a driver on paper really. Had some revision lessons and the instructor actually said to me I was a danger to myself and other drivers and needed to go back to beginner lessons. And as for what my husband said - don't ask!! I couldn't afford lessons and hated the instructor, so this is what I did:

I walked round a very easy route - four quiet local roads, studying all the junctions, etc. Then I drove round the route at a quiet time of day. I did this for many days till I felt confident with those four roads. Then I added another road to my route - again walking round first to observe it. Then once I felt confident added another road and so on. After several months I felt ok about very local driving. Then slowly I expanded my distance. After a year of this, I began to drive on motorways - after practising on dual carriageways first. The time from me not driving and being in tears of stress at the wheel to me driving confidently on motorways took oh 18 months to 2 years. But I got there in the end, just by going at my own slow pace, and breaking down the challenge into tiny chunks.

Yesterday, I had to drive half way across south london (welling, shooters hill, eltham, catford, dulwich, brixton, camberwell, peckham, new cross, greenwich, blackheath, charlton, and plumstead) my journeys covered busy, conjested roads most of the time. OK these are roads I was vaguely or very familiar with, but honestly my palms didn't get sweaty once! If I can do this anyone can - trust me!

Thanks for all the suggestions it means a lot to me to know there are other people out there who felt the same way I do. I'm going back home to Scotland next weekend and am going to try and drive some of the roads I know.

tigermoth - sounds like a plan well done on your journey yesterday I know the area so know it's a horrid drive, I'm in Thamesmead!

Sweetkitty driving up to Scotland is a great way of gaining confidence. I used to drive home regularly, but often overnight to avoid the traffic. It's all about experience and that's a good long drive to give you loads.