[Flowers] Sorry you’re going through this.
My dad died a couple of years back. Had very little contact with him during my life. His step-daughter got in touch via a private investigator a few weeks before he died.
It was a time full of turmoil and big emotions.
However, I had lost my mum (who was a big part of my life) 7 years previously. That threw up a lot of turmoil and big emotions too, some of it relating to my dad, their split and his absence from my life. It took me a year or two deal with that turmoil and those big emotions (counselling, reflection, revisiting old areas). I was left in better shape about those underlying things.
I also had nearly unbearable grief, and a huge sense of loss. I still miss her everyday. Just being in her company, hearing her voice, seeing her face, seeing her hand in all the beautiful things she created (her garden her home, her art, her craft works). She enriched and supported my life in unimaginable ways.
That wasn’t the case with my dad. He wasn’t a presence in my life, so there was less of an actuality to miss. I got over his death much, much quicker than my mum’s. I realised had grieved the loss of my dad as a child, when he disappeared from my life. At a time I wasn’t really able to articulate or express myself about it.
I’m guessing that you’ve probably done a lot of soul searching over the years about your mum’s absence. You’ve felt a lot of the emotional pain of loss and absence already. It an odd way, you’ve probably done some of the work of grief already.
So, whilst there was still turmoil and pain when my dad died, it passed more quickly, it gave me a sense of closure I’d not had, and in the end I emerged stronger. I was able to close that thread in my life and move on. It was much, much easier than losing someone who had actually been in my life.
I hope that sharing my experience has helped. Counselling is something I would very much recommend, to help deal with the turmoil you feel about her death, and also how the past links into that. It helped me a lot.
Take good care of yourself whilst you’re in the thick of the big emotions. Give yourself space to think and feel- whether that’s a long bath, regular walks or just quiet time, either on your own or in the company of someone loving and supportive.