DD wants to take stepfather's name - what do we do?

[bonym]

I re-married last year and dd (who is 6) and dh have a fantastic relationship - in fact he is much more of a father to her than her own has ever been. Having said that, her father obviously does love her a lot and sees her about 4 times a year during school holidays (lives approx. 3 hrs drive away). Dh & I are now expecting and have obviously been talking about potential names for the new baby. DD is v. excited about having a brother or sister but she has obviously been thinking a lot about the fact that she will have a different surname from the new baby (and us) and has mentioned this on more than one occasion. She said again this morning - why do I always have to be called ? Why can't I be called *? We explained to her (again) that she had that name because it was her daddy's name and she pointed to dh and said "that's my daddy" (although she doesn't call him daddy). We said thay maybe her daddy would be sad if she didn't have his name any more and tried to gauge how strongly she felt about it ("how much out of ten are you sad about having a different name?" answer - "10"). We then asked if she wanted us to speak to her dad about it but she said no.
I really don't know what to do - her father tends to fly off the handle a bit about things and I can't imagine him responding well to the suggestion, however I know how much children need to feel that they "fit in" and don't like to be diffferent, and I would hate dd to be worrrying about this. Does anyone have any experience of this please or know what the legal position is? Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry to waffle on so much!

i think but don't knwo for sure that you can just say i will be called X from now on. You don't have to change things legally. but this may only be true of adults.

i'm sure others on here will be able to advise you better.

Sorry to depress you, but the legal position is that you are not allowed to change your DD's name without your xp's permission.

I knew someone years ago who spent the whole of her childhood demanding to have her name changed to her step-father's name (her biological father refused to allow it). She changed it by deedpoll when she was 18 and then got married 5 years later and changed it again to her DH's name! So she didn't hang onto it for long, after all that fighting.

You could try explaining to your xp how left out she feels. If you really feel that he wouldn't respond to any rational debate about the problem, you could try asking him to explain to DD why she has to continue having his name, and why that is a good thing for her - make him take some responsibility for solving the problem.

katzgut is right - you don't have to change it legally but could just let her use your DH's name until such a time that she can change it herself.

My ds is 10 and has seen his father about 10 times in his life.
I got married to dh this August and we have 18 mth dd together.My ds was happy for us but also felt left out regarding surname as DD has Dhs name.
I decided to keep my maiden name so he didnt feel all alone!
It is very hard to know what to do for the best though.
Perhaps ask DD to pick babies middle name so she feels she has real input.My Ds chose DDs middle name.It was quite a nice choice as well,thank goodness!
Good Luck!!

My surname was changed when I was 9 for similar reasons. My mum had to ask my dad for written permission before my surname could be changed.

It did cause problems because my dad was quite upset. TBH I now wish that my name hadn't been changed (although it is no longer an issue because I am married now). I think perhaps (and this is just my opinion) you should wait until she is a bit older and has more of a grasp on what this means.

Hello

In my own personal experience........

The law may be on your side.. I say may be because every court etc is different..

The main view for the courts is what is BEST FOR THE CHILD....

Do you have a court order for the vists or have you worked it out between yourselves? it does make a different.

Our current situation is my daughters now have my husands surname and we are in the middle of adoption....

I have alot of personal experience if you have any further questions I would be happy to help....please ask

You could just informally use the 'new' surname, asking school and doctors etc. to use the new one. Might get a really obnoxious doc's receptionist who insists on using legal name though (happened to a friend of mine). Or you could suggest to your ex that you add your new dh's name to dd's middle names - that way he thinks it's just a middle name she'll never use, but if it's next to her surname she could always use it herself when she's older, if she prefers (and is willing to go the deed poll route; not legally required for an adult but makes it easier to deal with officials). Nuclear option is to adopt your dd; for step-dad to become legal dad you have to adopt her too, bizarrely. But her dad can prevent this, obviously.
Lovely that your dd has such a great relationship with your dh, though!

I think adding your dh's name as a middle name to your dd's name is a great idea, if it's ok with your dd's father. It's a pity that her father sees her so little, but he is still in the picture and it may cause trouble to change your dd's name while she is so young. Not only is there the legal aspect of it, but as joanneg pointed out it really may not be something that she is happy with when she is older and understands better.

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you are very lucky secur, you sound like you have an understanding with your ex... you don't heard of it very often!

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I tried to talk to my ex he agreed it was a good idea... then never heard from and we are now 12 months on.. we no longer have his address, phone number etc.. and did live 300 miles away!

BUT I am a female which doesn't take life at face value and yes I did get around it and we all have my wonderful hubby's surname.

I would say one thing though.. I am a nice person lol honestly... but when you're pushed it amazing what you go to so you can protect your children/family

Regards

Betty x

dhs name was changes by his stepfather ( apprently dh " wanted it " - he was 7) and he bitterly regrets it. ( same as joanneg)
leave it as it is, if my dh changed my kids name I would be furious..

can you add the surname onto the end of it and sort of double barrel it? that way, ex DP doesnt need to get mad cos she will still have his name, and she will also get the name she wants....even better, she could be special...having two surnames!! obviously not practical in some cases, but just an idea.

a frined gave her ds2 the christian name of ds1 ( half brother) as a middle name

You do have to get your ex-husband's permission, I'm afraid. If he hears that the name has been changed, however informally, at school etc, he can apply to the court to prevent this and will almost invariably win. The case law on this is very strong. I do understand your position, and am shocked that your ex sees his daughter so little - it's not like he lives in Australia, is it? But all the same, the legal position is against you, unless you get his permission. My dh's ex tried to do this with his daughter (against her wishes, actually) and it was brought up in court and firmly squashed.

Dh's ex said she wanted to double-barrel it but we knew what that meant!

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Thanks girls for all your help and/or suggestions - the double-barrelling is something we have considered although it would be a bit of a mouthful . Maybe we'll see if it "goes away" (although knowing dd that's probably unlikely!) but if not, try talking to ex-h - maybe I'll catch him on a good day - lol!