Hurt over my mum and dads choice

[mrsparkinson1988]

When I was 17 living with my parents we decided to get a puppy, he grew and attachment to me, idolised and loved me, eventually when I moved out about 24, I still was round my parents lots throughout the week still seeing him, Id take him for regular walks weekly, he has seen me through lows and highs for sure! I’m 30 and we have always had this lovely bond, infact he was loved by everyone. I just really really loved him, sounds silly as to some people his just a dog but to me he was the loveliest kindest soul and I saw him as my family. Anyway I saw him two weeks ago at my mums at the age of 13 obviously he was old but still getting around eating and drinking fine? The problem for my Parents was a few nights a week he would moan and wake my parents up as he had his own bed downstairs, I read that when Labrador’s get older they can be more unsettled and want to be close to their owners so that’s why I think he was unsettled. My parents decided to take him to the vet, obviously they were saying to the vet about how he was moaning at night etc etc which obviously the vet would think he must be in pain or something and said it’s best to put him down, I KNOW he wasn’t in pain he was eating, drinking, walking, happy! Playing with me outside just under 2 weeks ago. Truth is as much as my parents loved him I think in their 60’s they were finding it hard being woken up nightly. They went with the vets decision, didn’t tell me and the vet gave him the injection, not only that but I have just found out they were too upset to be with him whilst he received the injection!!! Ontop of that instead of burying him in our huge beautiful garden that he adored they decided to cremate him. I’m so hurt by these decisions he didn’t need to be put down it was his natural ageing, he could have gone naturally in the home he loved, but the thing that kills me inside and makes me sick to my stomach is that he was alone when he died, when he had given us 13 years of the most love and loyalty that I could ever imagine possible but my parents said they were too upset to be there why he had the injection . I just feel like there reasons were selfish. They never told me they were going to do it. I never got to say bye, he could have had a much better ending with dying in his home and the fact he had no one when he died alone at the vets just makes me feel sick. How will I ever forgive them? I feel I like I can’t.

I would find that hard to forgive too. As pet owners it’s your duty to do your best for them as they get older, and to be with them at the end.

I am sorry that your dog has died but I think your emotions are making you unreasonable. Vets are highly trained and would not recommend an animal should be put down unless it was in the animals’ best interests. The dog would have been with vet and a nurse who would have made a fuss over the dog and made sure he was comfortable before putting him to sleep. A Labrador is a large animal and you can’t just bury them in a garden without checking the water table. His ashes can be buried and spread in the garden.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I know and this is how I feel too, my parents are good people but I think they made bad choices on sleepless nights, stressed out and both having to work two full time jobs and thinking he was getting old so probably needed to be put down! But that beautiful dog deserved the most beautiful ending for the things he had done for all of us, he brought more love to my family than a human could have and saw us all through some terrible times with companionship and love and I’m so so angry. I’m terribly ill at the moment with small children so I need my mum more than ever right now but I think I need some time to heal from this deep hurting grief I feel. Thank you for your response xx

That's so hard for you, I'm so sorry it happened that way. Please be assured that the vet would not recommend PTS just for a bit of moaning at night, there may be more going on than you realise. Also at that age they can go downhill quickly.
Still it's very hurtful for you. It's not uncommon for owners to feel like they can't be present when their pet is PTS but, from experience, vets and vet nurses are very good at calming the pet and making it a relaxed procedure. It usually happens very quickly.
Have you contacted the vet to see if you can pay for single cremation so you can have his ashes back? You can put a small amount of the ashes in a necklace to keep him close to you.
It will be hard to forgive your parents but they may have thought they were being kind to you, but they got it wrong.

I understand you think I’m unreasonable but based on his age nearing 14 and my mum saying how much he is up through the night it would be easy for the vet to think he would have been in pain (which he wasn’t), I would think that if I was a vet also. He had nothing wrong with him, he was fit, happy, eating and drinking there would have been nothing seen or found as he had nothing but a couple of fatty lumps (harmless).. all the vet had to go on is my parents telling them that he was pacing in the night and with him being almost 14 and my parents saying that then offfcourse they would think that he would have been in some sort of pain or something but I know that was not the case. When I would stay there a couple of nights a week and he slept in the living room with me he never woke or moaned during the night at all and so I know it was more a comfort thing in his old age, he was scared of the wind! Let alone being downstairs alone and elderly. I know and they know he wasn’t in pain, they have expressed to me for the last two months how they were finding it hard with him waking during the night as my mum as a demanding career, he was becoming needier and they were finding it hard, if I had known they would have done this o would have asked to have him at my house and the real pain is that I know they weren’t with him when he needed it, he was scared of the vets and would shake every time he went so I know how scared he would have been.

OP, I feel your pain, it's very hard to lose a beloved pet. However, I think your judgement is a bit clouded on this.

I had posted a lengthy reply, but my battery went flat and it got deleted, but the gist of it was that although you were fond of the dog, you hadn't lived with it for years and it really was your parents' dog and their right to make the final call. The vet would not have offered euthanasia unless something more was going on than your parents losing sleep. 13 is a fair age for a lab, and from what you say he may have had dementia or other age related problems that had begun to impact on his quality of life. It's sad that you didn't get to say goodbye, but maybe your parents didn't want the process stretched out any longer, and maybe they knew that if they involved you in the process you would have stalled things and perhaps wanted to keep the dog alive, despite it not being in his best interests.

As for him being in pain or not, the vet would have been able to gauge that better than you or your parents. Your parents have implied they didn't think the dog was in pain, but maybe they said that to spare you the details? They couldn't do right for doing wrong - had they admitted the dog was in pain you may have been even more distraught, but as it stands you've convinced yourself the dog was fine.

It's hard, and not the ending you hoped for, but the process would have taken seconds, so rest assured that the dog would have known very little about it.

I may not have lived there for a few years but I lived round the corner, I was there almost every day (my partner has his own business and I’m not working due to wanting to be at home with little one) and I stayed over a couple of nights a week Due to health reasons I won’t go into. So I can assure everyone here that I was well aware of his health, there’s no doubt in my mind, I know he was not in pain! my husbands sister is a vet and saw him recently and said yes he has fatty lumps but other than that just general old age. There was nothing physically wrong apart from old age. But my parents vet would go on his quality of life and if my parents are saying he is pacing all night they are going to think his quality of life was not great and with his age that would have been thinking thats kindest thing to do from their perspective . But what I’m trying to say is - if my parents were with him during the night like I was downstairs he was fine, no pacing whatsoever, They could have had him upstairs, I feel they failed him for selfish reasons. For example they got a new rug so he was no longer allowed in the living room he spent EVERYNIGHT in with them!, he kept them up at night so they didn’t want to have to deal with that anymore! they could have found away to help him like have him upstairs. THEY ended his life and didn’t even stay with him at his final moment even though he was not good with strangers and HATED the vet, he would have been terrified and scared!. What I’m trying to say is all their choices have been selfish! They didn’t even give me the opportunity to say goodbye. I love my parents but I also have lived with them so I know first hand what they are like and I would not feel this strongly if I didn’t see first hand the situation. I would defend my parents to the ground right or wrong but this has cut me up. They had mentioned that they could not cope for a few months with him awakening but when I mentioned about having him upstairs they didn’t want to, they didn’t try to resolve anything and if they had him upstairs or tried to resolve it and it still carried on then fair enough but it wouldnt have carried on. They put a baby gate up on their living room door so he couldn’t go in the living room anymore with them at night where he sat with them for 13 years because they got a new rug!!! They had just brought a brand new house and was due to move out of that property in a couple of months and I think it was an easy option, they were moving to a brand new house with new flooring and so if they were like that with a new rug... well you get my point. Also my mum works full time and she constantly said to me about him pacing and how it was driving her mad (which I can understand) but yet did nothing to resolve it. The fact is- he saw my sister in law who is a vet and was visiting from Ireland very recently and she said he was fine, he was happy, still did small walks, eating , drinking, never yelling, legs fine! Yes he paced a few nights a week but due to his age and him being scared of the wind and things it was just age related and he needed some comfort, I feel he was totally let them down, they took the easy root out and when they took the easy root they left him alone with two stranger because THEY could not deal with it! They didn’t put THEIR feelings aside to stay with him for his ending which would have given HIM the comfort in his death he would have so needed. I know vets are kind but he was scared of people he didn’t know and so it wouldn’t have mattered how kind they were. I guess people are entitled to their opinions but if my dog was in any pain I would have been the first to back them. He wasn’t in pain! and he still had a lot of life in him and the way it was done with him alone is a thought I will never get out of my mind.

OP, now you've given further details, it does seem like your parents have quite a materialistic, somewhat houseproud attitude, and it seems they weren't as fond of the dog as you clearly were. Did they ever ask you to take the dog?

Also, like a PP said, elderly dogs can go downhill very quickly, so it's possible that his health deteriorated quite a bit over the two weeks since you saw him.

I know someone who had an lab of a similar age, who had fatty lumps. They were said to be harmless, but then a lot more suddenly appeared, and they turned out to be cancerous. The dog quickly went downhill. The difference was, the owners contacted all family members, who came home to say their goodbyes. The dog was put to sleep at home, with her owners holding her. That is what you would have wished for, and it is very sad that you weren't given the choice to be involved, when you were clearly so fond of the dog. Have you told your parents how you feel about all this? Maybe it's something you need to express to them, rather than here (although there's nothing wrong with sharing your feelings here, but only your parents know the full facts and what their exact reasons were). Maybe they had sound reasons for their decisions, or maybe they will see that they made a mistake and apologise.

It's all very sad, and your parents seem a little lacking in empathy, which doesn't help. I hope you can talk things through with them and find some answers that will help you. Take care of yourself OP.