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Original poster

How to cure a racist dh

25 replies

jampot · 20/09/2004 23:06

I am ashamed to admit that my dh is racist - not to the extent that he would say anything to anyone's face or hurt someone but just in his comments at home. He will say some things in front of the children which I find really annoying as I am instilling into my children that everyone is an equal and that there is no better race or religion or culture. Dd wholly accepts this and will tell her dad that he is racist and please don't say things like that but I worry that our son might pick things up and I really don't want him to.

OP posts:

Tortington · 20/09/2004 23:31

i just dont get racism - i dont know how to cure it. except to pull the people who do it and say " i find that language ofensive" which it sounds like you are doing.

my husband uses words like "queer n puff" when calling the boys soft - now this man knows better than this - he isnt homophobic, racist or anything - but he uses these words as a derogatory comment. so when he does i go ape shit in the extreme.... screaming i wont tolerate that kind of language blah blah blah blah blahlbah blah blah blah - in the end ( its a bit like the Dishwasher thread) its easier for them not to openly say it cos of the 20 min rant that follows

Chandra · 21/09/2004 02:58

That's horrible Jampot, I would have a very deep conversation with him about it and how it may be affecting your children.

What I have noticed is that people who are racist tend to be very ignorant about the culture they condemn, something that may help is finding a way to explain to him that being from a different race, culture, background doesn't mean that people is worse but just different and try to see how that people would see you through the eyes of their culture. For example, MIL is Spanish (a very unconventional one, very racist) and because in the translation of Fawlty Towers in Spain, Manuel is Mexican, she was always making jokes about our suposed stupidity, the jokes ended the day I explained to her that in the original English version Manuel was Spanish and that everytime children made jokes about stupid people in my country they refer to the stupid one as the Spanish. She didn't find it amusing at all, and deep in my heart I hope that she had stoped the jokes about mexicans because she understood that stereotyping is ridiculous rather than to save herself from hearing a string of mexican jokes about unfounded Spanish traits.

Talking about race just diminishes us, it's sad to be proud of something that has been just given at birth with no effort on our part. IMO that is equivalent of a cocker spaniel being proud of being a cocker spaniel... What has it done to get that status? it's just silly

Chandra · 21/09/2004 03:16

You are right Custardo, but political correctness doesn't make people non-racist, it just hides racism under more civilised ways, however, the good thing about political correctness is that as younger generations get to hear less "open" racism, they would end up being less racist than what previous generations were.... if the trend continues that way...

whymummy · 21/09/2004 07:16

when i first met dh 12 years ago he was a bit "ignorant" in that aspect,then i met his parents and i knew where he got it from,i had endless disscusions with him,we argued and i almost left him because of it,i introduced him to friends of mine that were black,he got to know them,we also travelled half way around the world,i can honestly say that he has been cured and he now tells his parents to shut up when they make a racist comment,so do i,when they found out i was pregnant his dad said to me "what a pity he/she is not going to be 100% english" !!!! there's nothing i can do about them apart from telling them not to make racists comments in front of me or my family but at least i know i managed to open dh's eyes

Chandra · 21/09/2004 13:12

Hey Whymummy, I had that one too! about having a non purebred child!!! and have almost also left my husband many years ago because I couln't cope with more racist remarks from the in-laws, actually... that's the reason why we live in England... otherwise I very much doubt we have lasted more than the first few months.

codswallop · 21/09/2004 13:13

I tell dhs beer friends that they sound " SOOOO out of date" when htey are racist - that really gets them actually!

whymummy · 21/09/2004 13:40

chandra when he said that i told him i wouldn't let him see his half human-half beast grandchild,that shut him up and then he said he was joking,yeah right
sorry to hear about your in-laws too

fio2 · 21/09/2004 13:44

my SIL is a racist pig. Apparently when I was very drunk (I am not always drunk, honest!) I told her i wouldnt tolerate it in front of my children. i have black friends, I dont want a bigot like her talking that in front of them. Anyway she still carried on about * when we were out with her last time and we told her where to go again.

She hasnt got it off her parents as dh isnt racist and neither is his mum.

Jampot i think you should just tell him to grow up. I mean Birmingham is very ethnically diverse!

SenoraPostrophe · 21/09/2004 13:47

You could try getting him to watch "A Class Divided" - a video about an experiment in which a teacher told her class that children with blue eyes were naturally superior to children with brown eyes (and then vice versa the following week). The experiment is highly questionable from an ethical point of view, but the video does really show quite how susceptible children are to prejudice in general.

But I find this a really hard topic to deal with too. Not dp, but one or two of my Spanish friends and some of my relatives have expressed mildly racist opinions in the past. I usually say something, although I sometimes have problems expressing the intricacies of it in Spanish (someone said to me the other day that someone "worked like a black person" and since it wasn't a wholly negative statement she couldn't see why it was racist. I must look up the vocabulary for stereotypes etc.)

Chandra · 21/09/2004 14:00

The "working as a black person" expression it's hundreds of years old Senora Apostrophe, it actually comes from the time of the colonies, it says "working as a black man to live as a white one", it was mostly said by people of mixed races.

It wascoined during the times of slavery, sadly after such long time is still in vogue but I think now is more a ready-made-expression to say you are working a lot rather than a racist remark. I don't like it and don't justify it, nor do I use it, but I think lots of eople don't realise about the racist content of it.

Chandra · 21/09/2004 14:06

Whymummy, when MIL said that I stoped seeing her through out the pregnancy and made a point of not having her around during the first days of DS.

Now she has understood that if she doesn't behave she is not welcome to visit nor we would go to see her. The arrangement seems to be working fine (knock on wood)

whymummy · 21/09/2004 14:18

glad to hear chandra, i know how concerned you were about her with that horrible neighbour,i hope she realises

Chandra · 21/09/2004 14:22

Whymummy, sorry to hear you are enduring this as well... but as my mother says, lo que no te mata te hace fuerte

On the risk of hijacking (sp) this thread, how are you doing? how is yur niece?

SoupDragon · 21/09/2004 14:22

I've never understood the point of racism. For a start, what is "pure English"? We're a mix of celts, vikings, saxons, normans... not exactly pure is it? It's one of the things that I simply don't understand - I really don't get it. I've had friends from all manner of races and I've never seen them as a colour or a religeon, just as a friend.

Original poster

jampot · 21/09/2004 14:26

fio - you're right Birmingham is very multi cultural. It bothers me that there are so many racists around - last year ds's class were visiting a Mosque in Birmingham as a school trip as they were studying Islam and other religions. About a quarter of the class didn;t go!!! What in the f*ing hell is all that about. They all went to Cadbury World though! FIL was born and brought up in India and he truly believes that he is better than others. MIL isn;t as bad but has expressed one or two general dislikes. I'm completely surrounded by them.

OP posts:

whymummy · 21/09/2004 14:31

soupdragon my dh has said this to his father,he has very dark,skin,eyes and hair and an unusual surname so he shouldn't talk,i might do his family tree just to make him see how wrong he is with his views

chandra my niece is fine thank you so much,how about your nephew?

Chandra · 21/09/2004 14:34

oH dear, that's difficult, I guess it will be imposible to "convert" your father in law, your DH may be difficult but your children will be fine as long as they don't hear racist remarks. I'm sure that sooner or later they are going to make friends with persons of other backgrounds and would get to understand that we all are the same.

whymummy · 21/09/2004 14:36

oh no chandra dh has been converted,he totally hates racism now,it did take a long time but it was worth it,i'm sure you can do the same jampot

Original poster

jampot · 21/09/2004 14:37

My parents were Irish and of course that race has been the butt of many peoples jokes for years. When the pub bombings happened in Brum in the 70's no-one would talk to my dad at work the next day even though he was one of the kindest gentlest people ever. One neighbour even said "teh riff raff are moving in" when tehy moved in

OP posts:

whymummy · 21/09/2004 14:39

that's awful jampot

Chandra · 21/09/2004 14:56

That's awful Jampot but it may help you to explain your DH how your family felt, and to understand how other people may be feeling at the moment.

Whymummy, he is fine he is attending therapy and the improvement are unbelievable he has started immitaing other people and can say "juice" , I thought it would take years to achieve that, we are very happy.

PS. My last comment about converting DH was for Jampot.

bundle · 21/09/2004 15:30

I've just read Small Island, by Andrea Levy, which is all about racism during WW2 (Windrush, plus caribbean recruits to RAF to fight for the mother country..) beautifully written and absolutely fascinating as it's narrated from 4 different characters' viewpoints.

twitcher · 21/09/2004 16:02

Have to say I get very annoyed (and embarrassed) with dh when he calls people "gypos" (not to their face, it's when he's having a fit of pique in the car.)

whymummy · 21/09/2004 16:29

sounds good bundle,i watched a film a few weeks ago called american history x and it was truly shocking
chandra i'm so pleased about your nephew,great news!

Frenchgirl · 21/09/2004 17:19

I have a very racist, anti-semitic FIL, and cannot stand him. I just leave the room when he says anything offensive as I would otherwise shout at him. If he ever said anything like that in front of dd I would be livid. We don't see him often, which he complains about, but I can't stand being near him. MIL isn't racist, and dh definitely isn't either, thankfully. It just makes my blood boil!!! I remember that when I was little, in France, the occasional child from a family of 'travellers' would come to school for a couple of weeks and that I was always the only one who would go and talk to them, because most children thought that they were all thieves!!!

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