Childcare experts

[Jbr]

I hate Melissa Hill with a passion! Her website is horrendous. She keeps saying that women can't be good workers and parents and we should do one of the other. And she says that children don't feel loved if a parent (usually the woman, in her words) isn't with them.

I'll do a chapter on dads and Justine can publish it! ...

Oh, I feel like I started something now. It annoyed me or I wouldn't have mentioned it, but I didn't mean for everyone to attack the woman LOL!

No doubt she will say giving up work was her personal choice etc which it was, but to me she was in a prime position to strike a blow for all working women everywhere, and she let us down. And if she uses the word "housewife" or "full time mother" anymore I will scream.

Maybe someone who has actually read the whole book would be better to say something. But I just find the title "the smart WOMAN'S guide to staying at home and keeping your independence" just offensive. She has kept her independence by writing her book and maybe all she is saying is change your job, not give up but the way it is written just gets my back up and obviously a few other people's!

Wouldn't you be annoyed if your partner had a 3 hundred thousand pound per annum job and then gave it up?!

What do mothers who are at home full time think about what Melissa Hill is saying? can we have some opinions please!
The trouble is, there isn't an awful lot of information on her web site about exactly what she is advocting for women - obviously you have to buy the book, which I can't afford to do - sorry Melissa! - so it's difficult to make judgements. It occured to me, maybe she is advocating seeking home based work, which would be very good, though not practical for everyone.
I must say that the first thing that struck me about her web site was the bar of flowers that popped up on my screen. Alas, my children's future wouldn't be so flowery if I stayed at home with them and didn't earn any money...

Some of the stuff Melissa says about being a leader in your home does make sense. The bit about getting involved with your family finances and knowing what the mortgage costs etc to give you status in the household. This may seem alien to some (it certainly does to me), but my sister for example stays at home with her children and she has no idea what the mortgage costs. Her husband does everything. He does all the finances and she does the grocery shopping and buys the childrens shoes etc. I doubt her husband knows what shoe size their kids take. Its like living in the 1950s.

I can see that her book would be very appealing to someone who perhaps is not currently very confident or has low self-esteem and wants their partner/kids to stop treating them like a doormat.

Personally her book is not for me, but there is obviously a market for it.

Well I just visited the site and there are clearly advantages in having had the sound card in your work PC whipped out by a miserable IT Support Services character. You can still smell a wrong'un though - like others here, I feel having a rich woman tell me to give up work (apparently I only have to BUY the book. So I can use it as a bartering tool to pay our mortage, then, can I?) is not helpful. She also invites visitors to "come chat with her" on mumsnet at some date in the future so clearly Justine and Carrie have thrown down the Marigold. Should be an interesting discussion unless she answers all the questions with "you'll have to buy the book". Sounds little better than sending off £40 to learn about exciting new home-working opportunities to me.

Me, I think Ms Hill's next project (she needs something to keep her hand in now that she's finished the book, right?) should be learning how to design a better website. Checked it out, got fed up with things taking too to long to download - the only thing that comes onscreen quickly is the "buy my book" button - left before finding out what she actually says.

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Emmam, don't you find that when some firms phone you up that they want to speak to the "man" of the house. Some companies are still under the impression that men do all the decission making in the house. We had a feeding firm phone on wednesday and asked to speak to my husband, I told him he wasn't in, but I could help him, and he replied "I'll phone later when he is in and ask him what feeding he needs for the cattle over the next 6 months", I replied that we need 22 tonnes of 25% barley mixture and what price would it be for buying it now?. To say he was shocked was an understatement, I do all the bill paying, banking, accounting, vat etc, but he buys most of the cattle/sheep, and I could tell you what most of them have cost over the past year to buy and to feed and what veterinary expenses have been paid out on them as well. I'm sure that all other mums on this site know what is going on financially in the house if not more than the men.
All our financial decissions are made jointly and when the dreaded bank Manager comes for the annual visit, we both see her (hope its still a her as we've had 4 different ones in the past 3 years!)
There are some women who still leave all the finances/mortgage etc up to the men, and there are some women who do it all themselves. I have a friend who is ruled by a 1930's man, she has to clean the house to his standard, the tea has to be on the table at a certain time, and she has a list of jobs to do for him, personally i would throttle him with his list, but that is not my marriage. Some folk think that as I work from home, then I've got a cushy number as they think about other women as well who work from home. Oh dear do you think we've all been caught out?, well there goes the skiving this afternoon then!!

That sounds like what happens whenever a health visitor or nursery worker is talking to us - they always talk to my wife, Tigger, even if I am there with my son and she is at work! I guess they think that women make all the deicisions when it comes to kids.

Sml-I am at home full-time, and logged on to the site after reading this discussion. After references to Jesus, Eastern philosophy and Socrates all in the space of three pages I began to feel a bit spaced-out! All the advice given is eminently reasonable and intelligent, but bears no relation to real life in a normal, turbulent household. It doesn't take into account the uniqueness of individuals and family relationships.
I may stay at home, but I'm hardly ever there! I have many interests both in and out of my family life. I know how much our mortgage costs, and all our financial affairs are jointly managed. There is never any question of asking for money from my husband - it's in our joint account and we discuss how we spend it. I resent the suggestion that I need advice on how to do this role, especially from a woman who has come to the end of a lucrative career and thinks she has found a niche market to exploit. Of course there are women and men struggling with the demands of work and home. My husband and I have chosen to deal with these demands in one way; other families find their own solutions. We are all doing our best, and should try to see these 'experts' for what they are - writers trying to sell books!

Yes Tigger, I've always hated the way people refer to Mr X as "a farmer" and his wife as "a farmer's wife". I grew up in the country and all the farming cuples we knew were running a joint enterprise, so how come Mrs X wasn't just called "a farmer" too?

My best friend's just got pregnant for the first time and has asked which book(s) she should buy - she say's there's hundreds out there. I didn't really use one, so can't recommend anything. Who would you recommend and why?

ROFL alex2. I think you just shot Archduke Ferdinand...:D

Personally I'd recommend Gina Ford for a rollicking and thoughtful introduction to the joys of parenting by the clock

God I'm mean. Sorry Pupuce et al- this is a joke, ok?!

Alex2, there is a lovely book called "Raising Happy Children" by Jan Parker & Jan Stimpson which is a general guide to lots of issues: feeding, sleeping, discipline, terrible twos etc. It is one of the least prescriptive books I've come across and I have found it very helpful.
IMO, I read far too much before my ds was born and was confused by all the conflicting arguments from childcare 'experts'. Perhaps, you may want to suggest that your friend should follow your own example and her own instincts.
I hope all goes well for her.

A friend gave me a copy of Penelope Leach's book which I loved, even though is by no means exhaustive and like all the others must not be followed blindly.

I also read everything I could lay my hands on (a good book on breastfeeding was What to expect from breastfeeding...I hoped I had found it sooner), also asked for lots of advice from everyone I knew with babies, listened to all the arguments but then I did what I thought was best for my baby.
My advice would be to take books from the library while she's still pregnant and maybe choose one that she feels would suit her better and maybe buy it to have as reference at home!

I'd second Bugsy and Chiara's recommendations, they are my two favourite books and I always find them helpful. While pregnant, I also enjoyed the fairly silly book by Vicki Iovine, "The Best Friend's Guide to Pregnancy". It's very Californian - but funny, honest and tongue-in-cheek. Bloomsbury's 20-second attempts to anglicise it just add to the fun.

I didn't find anything written down on breastfeeding terribly helpful in the end, I have to confess. Personal support from friends helped me more.

Titles I would be cautious about if she is a nervous mum to be:

What to Expect when You are Expecting, also American (because it is just a bit too informative, I immediately thought I'd got every complication listed!)

and a book by Gordon Bourne on pregnancy which was given me by a well-meaning acquaintance. This is basically a medical textbook. I think it might be useful if one were to suffer some kind of problem in pregnancy, because it is detailed and comprehensive, but boy is it scary if all is going well.

I hope all goes well for your friend Alex2!

"How not to be a perfect mother" (but give "How not to have a perfect child" a miss). Its funny and has some useful tips for first time parents. I still laugh thinking about the hundreds and thousands on the bacon.

Books which are informative rather than 'novel' style I would recommend Janet Balaskas & Yehudi Gordon 'The Encyclopedia of Pregnancy and Birth' or the Sheila Kitzinger book 'The New Preganncy and Childbirth'. Also there is a very helpful book called The Great Ormond Street New Baby and Child Care Book - it's very measured and takes a good middle course between the Gina Ford approach and that of the Balaskas/Kitzinger school.

For books that are more along the 'novel' style I would recommend Kate Figes 'Life After Birth'

Well I liked the magazines rather than a specific book. They were up-to-date as they come out each month and they had nice stuff like fashion as well as informative medical stuff. Books I would reccommend are as before 'How not to be perfect mother' this was great, I have the Great Ormand st one, Miriam Stoppard, Peneope Leach Gina Ford and a load of others that I was given and I have only ever used them to prop up the end of my baby's cot when she had a cold! Well I looked for advice and they all suggested proping up the head of her bed, so I did!

I do like having ones that have a bit one childhood illnesses, but I have found NHS direct more use if I am worried!

The only ones I really have read and re-read are Toddler Taming and Parent talk, a Guide to the Toddler Years.

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I would advise her to read anything and everything she can get her hands on! But only if she is the type of person who likes reading.
Might be best to stick to pregnancy books while pregnant.I quite liked Vicki Iovine's best friend's guide to pregnancy if you can stand the americanisms.( available in Tesco) Plenty time later for the child rearing ones.
The magazines are good to pick up and put down ( keep one by the toilet)but I felt they were a little too unrealistic and chirpy for my liking. They tend to underplay the downside and discomfort of pregnancy! All that right on stuff about nibbling nuts and dried apricots for boosting energy levels...don't they know that the creme egg season has begun?? And as for those thin models with bumps showing us how to look sexy throughout our "nine magical months"...GRRRR!
I presume you have diracted her already to the best parenting site on the web?

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