I don't care about or feel like I love my twin girl.

[IamApie69]

I have twins, a boy and a girl. I absolutely adore my twin boy, love him to bits, it actually upsets me when he gets hurt, I feel sorry for him, his crying doesnt bother me.

But when it comes to my twin girl all I feel is hatred. She's a very screamy baby, screams about anything and everything. She can be sat playing then the next minute she starts screaming for no reason at all, attention seeking. I don't care if she gets hurt, I don't feel upset for her when shes in pain. I use an excuse to not pick her up, to not interact with her. Her scream infuriates me, she infuriates me! I cannot deal with her at all. Quite frankly I'm getting sick of her. And I don't understand why... Some days I just wish it was my boy twin, some days I just wish it was me and him and my partner. Soon I'll be going back to University, we'll be moving house and I'll be further away from my Mum.

What doesn't help is that when my partner gets angry he overreacts, sometimes he walks out and won't come back for hours. Recently this happened and everytime I look at him I just feel... nothing.. I feel disgusted just looking at him. And I'm freaking out. I don't want to move, I dont want to deal with this constant looking after babies every day I just want my old life back.

She may see the way you react with her and her brother and feel jealous. Small children are not stupid. They can feel and see very well.

Maybe she's having 'tantrums' because she wants some attention from her mum. Just like her brother gets. It's a survival instinct - she can feel herself being left behind.
Hearing you say that you don't care if she's hurt is chilling. Especially when you're fawning over the boy. If he cries, you cry. If she cries, you become angry.

This isn't fair on the poor little thing. You really need to seek some sort of help or guidance - she deserves much, much better.
It's been 13 months of this.

I also think your dd is perhaps struggling with attachment and her behaviour isn’t to test you or hurt you. She’s expressing a real need. Don’t beat yourself up. You aren’t a bad person.

I do hope you get the help you need. Keep talking. And as others have said, please try to give your dd what she needs. Cuddles. Reassurance. GP investigation into why she is upset as there may also be a physical cause.

Each time you hug her, imagine you’re also hugging yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can get through this.

I am also concerned about you moving. This doesn’t seem like a good time. Could your partner go without you for a while so you get some continuous care from your gp surgery?

Is your mum local and supportive? Maybe you could tell her how you feel. That is what mums are for if you’ve got a supportive one.

I think you are very brave to admit to this problem. I see it as a first step to coping with how you feel. I doubt you are the only mother to feel like this. You will fall in love with your baby. It will just happen one day.You obviously do love her or you wouldn’t be looking for support. As other people have said go to your doctor and if you find it difficult to talk about the situation, write it in the form of a letter. Have a big hug from me. You are not alone.

Hi, don't panic seek some help. I have 4 children (all boys! Under 7!) When I had my youngest I suffered with really bad mental health he was about 6 months when this happened, to the point I couldn't look after my children when he cried I covered my ears I couldn't bare to look at them, ect... But I got help, your GP will help as for the HV I had that she just said I was tired but now I'm on a waiting list for support with my mental health, my little one is now 18 months and I couldn't love them any more!
Good luck! Im sure it'll get better just be honest xxx

@IamApie69 yes, give her a big hug and if possible try to have some 1-1 time with her if DH has DS for a bit. Tell him you're struggling bonding with DD. She's probably picking up on your feelings. I know it's not the same but with my DD I used to get so stressed at mealtimes cos she was SO fussy. My HV advised to chill out and relax more, ignore her to a degree. When she used to throw food and sippy cup off high chair instead of 'NO!" And resemble captain caveman (only older parents remember him right?), i would prempt her throwing and say 'ta' with a smile followed by 'good girl' and she started offering what she didn't want instead of throwing it.

OP my twins are nearly 6 so I understand how hard it is with two, even without feeling the way you do.

Id also say get an apt with your GP ASAP but there's also other support. Whereabouts are you? Our local areas have several twin support groups locally and they were invaluable to me when ours were small.

I'm along the south coast of England - if you are anywhere near me then PM me

Hang on...I love the way people on MN think they are doctors and can diagnose someone themselves!

You don’t have to be a doctor to recognise the symptoms of potential PND. And some of us are doctors.

Yes ShagMeRiggins potential PND being the crucial phrase - many other posters were saying it as a definitive fact.
The issue that the OP mentions about a flaky partner who gets angry & leaves would seem to be to have a very important bearing.

You need to figure out why you are rejecting your DD OP. It could be that her behaviour (which is not her fault) is driving that or is her behaviour driven by your rejection? Have you felt like this about her since she was born or did it start later on? Is there anything in your background that might have made you reject her as a female child? Were you abused, do you have low self esteem or self loathing and you see yourself in her? This is all pretty deep stuff but you need to ask yourself why you feel the way you do about her. It's not her fault and she will sense it, believe me.

You will probably need the help of a therapist to explore this and you must or that poor child will be damaged for life. First port of call is your GP but if you have the funds look into a private one as the waiting list will be long through the NHS.

I had a very 'difficult' twin in stark comparison to his angelic brother who was much later diagnosed with ASD and learning difficulties so I know how hard it is. Some days I could happily have given him away but only in the moment. I adored him just as much as his brother. Your baby girl deserves to be just as adored as your DS. It's a good starting point that you aware of the way you feel about her and want to change it.

Good luck x

The issue that the OP mentions about a flaky partner who gets angry & leaves would seem to be to have a very important bearing.

Agreed, but that doesn’t particularly explain why OP is bonding with one child but not the other.

ShagMeRiggins probably because one baby is easier and more cuddly than the other.

I want to know about the tantrums OP mentions her 13 month old being all about, because babies under 12 months are developmentally incapable of tantruming in the real sense, crying is something else in babies under 1, even inconsolable thrashing about howling.

If DD twin has been having tantrums for more than a month or two they aren't tantrums but communication of pain, discomfort, tiredness or a need not being met.

I occasionally looked after a little girl whose mother needed a bit of time to herself when her DD was between 9 and 18 months old. I was a childminder and would slot the little girl in when I had free space to allow a shift working parent of another mindee not to pay to hold the slot open when she wasn't working and didn't want to send her child.

The little girl didn't like being held and was very difficult to comfort as a result. It did make her more difficult to bond with and feel real affection for than any other babies or toddlers, it was a real work in progress though my heart bled for her.

If course it's easier to live a baby who is easily comforted with cuddles and appears to "love you back" but you have to actually work a lot harder at bonding with a child who cries for no immediately obvious reasons even when picked up.

The little girl I looked after was diagnosed very early with ASD and is doing very well in mainstream school as a teenager (I'm still in occasional contact with her mum). Obviously the OP's DD isn't necessarily autistic, there could be 101 reasons why she's as she is, from physical health issues like reflux and colic to attachment issues to various other things.

It's not that unusual for a parent already struggling with adverse relationship and other conditions to bond with only the easier child. Obviously it's very damaging to the children, but it's not difficult to see how it can happen.