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Original poster

I don't care about or feel like I love my twin girl.

63 replies

IamApie69 · 13/07/2019 15:22

I have twins, a boy and a girl. I absolutely adore my twin boy, love him to bits, it actually upsets me when he gets hurt, I feel sorry for him, his crying doesnt bother me.

But when it comes to my twin girl all I feel is hatred. She's a very screamy baby, screams about anything and everything. She can be sat playing then the next minute she starts screaming for no reason at all, attention seeking. I don't care if she gets hurt, I don't feel upset for her when shes in pain. I use an excuse to not pick her up, to not interact with her. Her scream infuriates me, she infuriates me! I cannot deal with her at all. Quite frankly I'm getting sick of her. And I don't understand why... Some days I just wish it was my boy twin, some days I just wish it was me and him and my partner. Soon I'll be going back to University, we'll be moving house and I'll be further away from my Mum.

What doesn't help is that when my partner gets angry he overreacts, sometimes he walks out and won't come back for hours. Recently this happened and everytime I look at him I just feel... nothing.. I feel disgusted just looking at him. And I'm freaking out. I don't want to move, I dont want to deal with this constant looking after babies every day I just want my old life back.

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 13/07/2019 16:32

IamApie69 from what age would you say she started having tantrums?

Livebythecoast · 13/07/2019 16:36

Your DD does sound like the dominant twin so I imagine you feel some resentment if your DS is more easy going in comparison.
Familylives.org.uk has a helpline which you could try?
But I echo what others have said; please seek help asap. Twins must be exhausting and you need support. Flowers

Herocomplex · 13/07/2019 16:38

This is really miserable for you all, you def need some support. You mentioned moving further away from your mum, do you get on well with her? Is she helping you?

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2019 16:39

She sounds hard work and some babies just cry about everything they don't want picked up they don't want put down... i think you should go back to the Drs tell them how you are struggiling , is your move set in stone can you delay it ?

BouquetNotBucket · 13/07/2019 16:40

She’s probably showing those behaviours because she doesn’t have a secure attachment to you.
She isn’t being selfish, her instinct is trying to ensure her survival. She isn’t doing this consciously.

It can improve, you can get that bond but you need to make it absolutely clear to your GP how you are feeling, be raw with it.

Flowers
Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 16:41

Please, lovey, go and see your GP. You need some help and support.

LoafofSellotape · 13/07/2019 16:43

Sweetheart you have PND, this can be helped so you need to make the brave decision to talk to your GP or HV, and tell them exactly what you have told us

The OP might have PND.

See your GP asap sounds like you need some support.

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2019 16:43

Is there a family centre near you I know you said you don't drive which is tricky but maybe it is walkable, also google homestart (your area) they offer free support for families with under 5s

Cocoloco2019 · 13/07/2019 16:43

Get help. Wow.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2019 16:45

Please speak to your GP - you need support they can give you

You are not going mad, you just need a bit of help right now. PND can surprise you when it comes.

Livebythecoast · 13/07/2019 16:46

Familylives.org.uk has some practical advice under 'early years development' - 'understanding and dealing with tantrums '. If you don't want to talk on the phone you can email them too. X

EvaHarknessRose · 13/07/2019 16:47

Actually, there is some evidence I have read (having a personal interest) that in general girl twins with a boy brother have a harder time of life, may be to do with exposure to testosterone in the womb, studies suggest. So your girl may be harder to parent, and need extra love and support - time will tell. But for now they both desperately need a well Mum, so reel in all the support you can muster from professionals and loved ones, treat this as a crisis, look after yourself so you can look after your boy and love your girl too. Fake it until you make it, find ways to grow that bond. There was a poster on here recently who had a dream about how to do that with the child she was struggling to attach to, it was so moving. This is a low point, and I’m sorry you have so much to cope with, but remember time will move on and you will get through this Flowers

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2019 16:48

Do people really need to say Wow Confused

Bourbonbiccy · 13/07/2019 16:48

I think the best thing for you to do is make an appointment with your GP.

You want to bond with her and you are struggling, the GP is best to advise you. I would recommend you make you the appointment for first thing Monday and once you have the correct support, you can enjoy the daughter the same way you do your son.

It's a great first step just writing it down on here, so 💐💐💐

WhatsInAName19 · 13/07/2019 16:51

Get help. Wow

Yes this is exactly what people who are probably suffering from PND need. Encouragement to seek help along with a dose of judgement and disapproval. That's definitely going benefit OP and her kids🙄

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 13/07/2019 17:01

Definitely sounds like PND. See your GP.

pointythings · 13/07/2019 17:03

Please do get help, OP. It worries me that you ascribing malicious and manipulative traits to a 13 month old - they are too young at that age to act in such a way. Your DD needs her mum's love and attention. That's all. You do sound like you have PND and your partner needs to step up or ship out.

Original poster
IamApie69 · 13/07/2019 17:06

Thank you all for the advice, I will make sure I get a doctors appointment. I'm not normally one to post anything online, I tend to hide myself because I feel like my emotions will burden others but I couldn't sit idly by. I hate myself for feeling the way I do about my daughter.. And I'd give anything in the world to have a bond with her like I do with mine.

OP posts:
Serenajoy1 · 13/07/2019 17:08

Op I had a similar situation with my twins. Not as severe, I never hated twin1 but I couldn't bond with him. He was a very hard baby compared to twin 2 who wasn't. I had moments of wishing I had only had twin2 . I didn't realise at the time but I had very bad pnd. It was an awful time. Please see your doctor. I can promise you it will get better. I came to absolutely adore my twin1 just like his brother.

Original poster
IamApie69 · 13/07/2019 17:09

I honestly feel a lot better after getting this off my chest and all I can think about is giving her a huge hug..

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 13/07/2019 17:09

Definitely PND. No question. There was a thread on here a while back about someone who had no bond with their daughter at 12 months. They got treatment. There was a happy ending. Hold on I'll see if I can find it.

Livebythecoast · 13/07/2019 17:09

@Mrsjayy
I thought that.
Must of been such a hard post to write for OP 😢

CatteStreet · 13/07/2019 17:11

'She’s probably showing those behaviours because she doesn’t have a secure attachment to you.
She isn’t being selfish, her instinct is trying to ensure her survival. She isn’t doing this consciously.'

This. It's really, absolutely crucial that you understand this, OP, and start telling yourself it every time she needs your attention, and start 'faking it till you make it' (as a PP said), today.

Very telling, and very sad, that you say 'to have a bond with her like I do with mine' in your last post. OP, she is yours too. Remind yourself of this, and get help urgently. You've been let down by your HV, but you need to keep pushing for help now.

I sympathise with you, but I do feel desperately sorry for your little girl, and in fact for your son too, who will be given some very damaging messages as he grows if this continues.

ElspethFlashman · 13/07/2019 17:12

Took a bit of digging!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3034658-No-bond-at-12-months

PaddyMcGintysGoatee · 13/07/2019 17:14

I hope you can get the help and support you need, love. You’re not the first mother to feel this way and you won’t be the last. But it can and will get better. Tell your mum everything, tell your GP everything, ask for help, just like you’ve asked here. Lots of love to you and your babies x

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