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Original poster

Could this be considered a wedding proposal?

31 replies

LoveMyGirls · 24/07/2007 20:23

To give you some background - Basically my dp is a very sensible type (good for a long haul marriage i think!) we've been together over 5 years and have 2 children, i already have his surname and we are happy and in love.

Marriage has been something i've always wanted with him and hoped one day we will get round to it but so far keeping our heads above water and children have been and still are the priority.

The other day he said that if i really wanted to get married and i found out how much everything would be and where we would egt the money from etc of course he would turn up and marry me and he is sure i would be a gorgeous bride. So I've been looking into it all and basically I'm going to work on paying debts off and saving the money, I don't want an expensive do, it would be about £2,000 because we both have plenty of family.

So should i call his bluff and book it for 3 years time?

He is never going to be the type to get down on one knee, like normal people do and then worry about it or have a long engagement etc If i want to be married i really do think it's down to me to organise it.

Am i mental? Should I wait and see if he ever does propose properly? (in my heart knowing he won't do it though i know he would be happy to be married to me?)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/07/2007 20:24

You can book that far in advance?

Wy not just save the money and then if it doesn't work out spend it on something else?

Sorry, but I wouldn't consider that an engagement.

moondog · 24/07/2007 20:26

What do you mean 'like normal people'??

A lot of people do it the way you describe above.

What matters is that he loves you and will stick around,not that he goes down on one knee.I would have been mortified had my dh done this.

Sheherazadethegoat · 24/07/2007 20:28

so why don't you propose?

ChorusLine · 24/07/2007 20:36

If he has said that - why don't you do the proposal and then gage his reaction.

snowleopard · 24/07/2007 20:43

That sounds like a proposal to me - that is the kind of thing my DP would say. If you want to get married, I'd start researching and then present him with some ideas and costs, in a lighthearted way, and say "I would love to have x y and z, it will cost blah, are you ready to set a date oh romantic one?"

WideWebWitch · 24/07/2007 21:01

I'd just do it. My then dp and I had been talking about it for years, had a dd, my ds from my first marriage, nothing to stop us other than organisational crap and so one day I just called the reg office, booked it, texted my family to invite them, booked a restaurant, a limo and found a dress and 3 weeks later we were married. I don't regret it, for me I wanted to BE married, not GET married. That was Dec 05. If we;d have waited for everything to be perfect/to have more money, blah blah we'd never have done it.

Tinker · 25/07/2007 00:23

I don't get the idea of proposals at all. Surely, getting married is a decision you both arrive at through just talking about it. I'd just book it if it's what you want.

Tortington · 25/07/2007 00:48

i wouldnt do it. unless he showed a proper committment.

"i'll show up" would get a kick in the balls from me

AlwaysWatchingCastawayAt2am · 25/07/2007 00:54

what is it about marriage that you want? if it is to BE married then it seems least stressful to just do it in a reg office with close family (or just 2 friends, which is what we did in very similar circs). if you fancy doing the whole shebang (?sp) then without his shared enthusiasm it might feel a bit wrong? that's my twopenn'th anyway. anyway, we married because i wanted to be wed (post children) and my dh was similarly offhand about the idea. but i kind of knew he was happy to do it, so sod it, we did it, and we are both genuinely very glad we did.

LoveAngel · 25/07/2007 09:53

I'm not one for the 'romantic proposal with the man down on one knee' thing at all (not how it was with me and my hubby) BUT it should be an agreement, I think, and it doesnt sound like thats the case here. He's basically saying 'If you want to get married, sort it and I'll show up'. Hmmmm. So does he want to get married too, or is he just too lazy to object?

CodAintUsingFairyNonBio · 25/07/2007 09:54

no
he has to ask
or in years to come he llsay you made him
let hi do some ghard work fgs
nad have as mall wedding

CodAintUsingFairyNonBio · 25/07/2007 09:54

hes an idle sod

CodAintUsingFairyNonBio · 25/07/2007 09:54

how did oyu have 2 kids wihtout ever discussing htis?

oliveoil · 25/07/2007 09:57

he needs to propose, the way you have written it sounds a bit begrudging tbh

you do not have to have a big do, reg office + nice pub is fine, small number of family and friends

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 25/07/2007 10:00

Snort at Custy

Budababe · 25/07/2007 10:01

DH still hasn't proposed to me! And we have been married 12 years next month.

We were had been together for 7 years and had bought a house together and had lived overseas - even got engaged before we went to Bangkok to allay my Dad's fears.

DH just kept putting any talk of a wedding off so I just booked it! I went to Dublin for a weekend and booked the hotel - came back and told him and he said no. So I said ok but that he had a week to think about it. The following weekend he was up a ladder painting and I said I needed to let the hotel know yes or no and he said no. So I said "go on, I'll make you a cup of tea" and he said yes!

I think that you won't get a proposal at this stage - your children are a bigger committment really. He sounds like he is committed to you and the children so if you jointly decide to get married he has said he will.

heifer · 25/07/2007 10:08

I wouldn't want to marry someone (or even be with someone) that didn't show any kind of enthusiasm about it all

But then I am the old fashion foggy that got married then had children, as I wouldn't want the commitment of having children together without the commitment from him of getting married first...

Horses for courses and all that...

So in answer to the question, I wouldn't book it all up but I would have a chat with him to explain how important it is to you etc, and if he cares enough and deserves you then surely he will find it in himself to make the effort and propose or even seem enthusiastic when you are tlaking about it....

AlwaysWatchingCastawayAt2am · 25/07/2007 11:03

it sounds from op that he is very committed and perfectly happy to be married! don't sew seeds of doubt in poor lmg's head.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 25/07/2007 14:35

I have propsed lots of times he always says no i think he's on auto pilot to say no to it now tbh.

What is i want from getting/ being married? I want to be his wife, i feel i have worked hard enough at the relationship to have the title wife iyswim? We have no formal things regards to what happens if we die, we dont own the house and dd1 isn't legally his etc i'd like him to adopt her in years to come which he can't do without us being married, theres lots of reasons to be married most of allI want to marry HIM because he is funny, loving, supportive, i can be myself he encourages me to enjoy myself I can't see me being with anyone else ever.

He's always said he's not bothered about marriage and would rather spend the money on holidays with the kids or a car etc etc there will always be something to spend the money on.

Custy - I'll give him another 5 yrs before i kick him in the balls if we're still not married!

Budababe - If only he drank tea - might work with an offer of beer lol!

We have discussed marriage before we planned dd2 but just havent got the money and i wanted a baby more than a wedding at the time so i just changed my name instead and thought i would be content but now when im introduced as his gf it grates i stand there thinking hang on that sounds like we met at the pub a couple of months ago not that im the mother of his children and live with him etc

Anyone else have any thoughts on it?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 25/07/2007 15:05

After so many years and two kids, I would say you are past the proposal-as-sign-of-commitment stage.

If you want to be married, arrange everything and pull him by the ear to the place. Sometimes men have to be pushed and nudged.

heifer · 25/07/2007 15:56

But surely it is not too much for her to expect her DH to be to want to do something for her that would make her feel really special etc..

He only has to say will you marry me

That is it - if he is really happy to get married if she does all the work etc, then why can't he just ask and make her day..

Isn't being married about wanting to make the other person happy etc, especially when not exactly going out of his way....

Twinkie1 · 25/07/2007 16:06

DH said 'Do you think we should get married' - that was as romantic as he could be!

I think he was just worried that I would say no as had a shitty 1st marraige and said I wouldn't get married again.

Men are just funny things - do you think he would be worried that you wouldn't want to?

Only knew he was serious when he brought home a catalogue from a lovely jewellers and told me to pick a ring!

CoteDAzur · 25/07/2007 17:13

heifer - Seems to me, if he had a predisposition to think that way, he would have proposed long ago, before the two babies. At least before the second one.

CountessDracula · 25/07/2007 17:17

sounds ok to me

dh didn't propose to me either, we just decided to get married!

heifer · 25/07/2007 17:23

I see what you are saying Cote but maybe the op wasn't so bothered about it beforehand..

I still think she should talk to him about it so he know how strongly she feels and how great she would feel if he asked!

If still not forthcoming then I guess if you really want to marry such a man, then go for it anyway you can...