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Original poster

Stealing ... Can you help ?

24 replies

crystaltips · 16/08/2002 21:12

My DD ( aged 7 ) was playing at a friend's house today.
I have just received an e-mail from her Mum saying that my DD was playing with a toy of friend's younger sister as she got into the car ... and could we have the item back when we next saw them.
( NOTE: this toy was free from a comic - but in my mind that's not the point )

Trouble was that I knew nothing of this and when asked DD went off and retrieved the toy from a hiding place.
When questioned DD admitted that she knew she was wrong in taking this toy and she felt very guilty. I stressed that this was not acceptable behaviour - but bearing in mind I said that she would not get into trouble if she told me the truth, I felt that I could not punish her.
Because she does not understand the monetary value od this object (Nil!) I berrated her for the "crime" that she committed! But thanked her for her honesty ...
What do you think I should do

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 16/08/2002 21:22

crystaltips, you did the right thing IMO, you talked to her, got her to own up and told her it wasn't on. I'd say, now get her to take it back and say sorry to her friend and then don't mention it again (unless it happens again).

I only twice stole anything as a child: once a £1 note from a friend's dressing table (I think I was about 6? ish) and once a packet of sweets from a shop (same sort of age). Both times I worried myself sick about it afterwards as I knew it was wrong and eventually told my mum. She didn't get cross, just made me take them back and apologise. (see, I was so scared, I didn't even eat the sweets!) I was so mortified, especially in the shop in front of customers, that I never stole anything again, I didn't even do that teenage shoplifting thing that some of my friends did (and they're nice, very moral women now!)

I think it's Christopher Green who says that a short spell of kleptomania is normal and that teachers are forever asking small thieves to hand things back before they go home. Maybe some teachers here will know more...

threeangels · 16/08/2002 21:23

I would just have a talk explaining that we should never take anything that does not belong to us unless they say it is okay to have. I probally would not of punished either but had a nice talk instead. It doesnt sound like she goes around taking things all the time. She just made a small mistake. I think you did the best thing in handling this issue. I couldnt have done any better. When I was about the same age I was shopping with my mom and there was a bin in the store with these little Hello Kitty trinkets. I took one not really thinking I would get in trouble. When we were walking around the mall my mom saw I had this and to make me understand this was wrong she had a little heart to heart talk and made me take it back to the sales person and apologize. I dont think I ever did that again.

jenny2998 · 16/08/2002 22:06

Never had to deal with this myself but for what it's worth, I agree. Get your dd to take the item back and apologise.

Jbr · 16/08/2002 22:37

As you say it doesn't matter if she realised it was free or not. It wasn't hers. Did you ask her why she had taken it?

I once walked out of a shop without paying for a 5p packet of crisps and didn't realise until I got home. When I realised I broke down in tears and got my Dad to take me back to the shops and explain. The shopkeeper hadn't even noticed and said I could keep the crisps but I didn't want them now. I didn't want them in the first place, I was just looking at them to see what they were. Little sausage and tomato crisps I think.

However, I did have an illness when I was about 11 - a kind of OCD which meant I stole household objects eg sponges and cloths. Most peculiar and very very wrong.

My mother used to hide money and things when we had visitors eg her friend's children because she "didn't want to be put in that position". She must have known something I didn't.

Jbr · 16/08/2002 22:40

Kleptomania is actually a condition, not just a name for stealing. We had a boy at school who had it. He didn't steal out of greed, he even took things which were of no use to him. He had no friends as a result and there were all kinds of other terrible rumours going round about him, some were even accusing him of hurting young children.

The whole thing was horrible.

CAM · 17/08/2002 18:26

crystaltips, your situation reminds me of something that happened at my dd's birthday party a few years ago ( I can't remember if she was 1 or 2 years old at the time). A boy guest who was a year older took a liking to one of the large farm animals in a Fisher Price farm which was one of her "big" presents from us. His mother left with him still holding it at the end of the party saying "little jonny really likes this pig" and got in her car and went home!! I was so amazed that I couldn't think what to say so dd lost mummy pig from her new toy on the day she'd been given it. See what I'm like, I can't speak up at the time but I haven't forgotten about it have I!This sort of thing has happened since with unimportant bits and bobs and I have never asked for them back. I wouldn't have sent the email to you.

Jbr · 17/08/2002 20:51

I would have complained, Cam. Apart from anything else, the parents of the child taking things need to know so it can be stopped before it gets worse.

I can't believe that woman would actually allow her son to steal one your child's toys!

Jasper · 18/08/2002 02:07

Me too Cam.
I would have gently suggested little Jonnie leave mummy pig with her rightful owner but I understand you may have been too stunned to comment
Aren't some parents a pain in the a*se?

Tortington · 18/08/2002 02:55

i think you did exactly the right thing, ur dd obviously knew it was wrong and was sorry, u couldnt have done anything more.
my son found a watch outside when he was about 9 and he didnt tell me, when he did he said he found it and was saving it for daddies birthday. i took him to the police station, and asked if someone could speak to him. a woman officer had words, he was mortified, he is 12 and it didnt happen again, although he has found things and we have taken them to the police station lost n found since, he is very honest

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2002 10:32

Cam, what a lot of front that woman had! I usually explain that "this is xxxx's new toy and therefore it's special to him SO YOU HAVE TO LET HIM HAVE IT BACK NOW please". I wouldn't dream of letting ds walk off with someone's birthday present. Did you ever get it back? I can believe that you were stunned into silence!

Jbr · 18/08/2002 14:55

I notice on the front page of this site that on the link to this discussion "stealing" is in inverted commas. Why?

I'm not sure how I feel about children who find things and don't hand them in. If I saw or my child saw a thousand pounds blowing about, I would hand it in. If my son found 50p lying on the ground, I don't think I'd see it as theft if he picked it up and it didn't appear to belong to anybody. I did see a watch lying on a sink in some toilets once and the attendant said it had been there for 3 days.

Original poster
crystaltips · 18/08/2002 15:28

Jbr,

Took me a while to cotton on to what you were referring to - I always skip the home page and go straight to 'talk'

I'm not too sure what the mumsnet team were trying to say - perhaps they don't think it's too serious. Judging by all the support and advice, we all seem to think that it's a harmless stage - but nevertheless has to be dealt with resopnsibly in case it does get out of hand.

DD and I have not discussed the matter again and I hope it's not a situation I have to repeat. But I do know that if I had shouted at her I would have made her more secretive ( if there was a next time ).

OP posts:
Jbr · 18/08/2002 16:37

I sometimes look at the front page. I usually go to "talk" from the links on the front page, if any discussions look interesting from there. I sometimes look at the news round up.

zebra · 18/08/2002 16:56

I was a child who occasionally nicked stuff (from age 5 or 7, I guess). Five finger discount and all that. It was just something we did (all the other children did, too) because it was exciting and we were greedy.

I think I got hollered at in a shop once, when I was about 13, and that really unnerved me forever more.

I don't think my parents could have done anything different to stop my occasional habit. Just something I had to outgrow.

I made DH take back a brand new lamp he found on a trolley outside Wicks a few years ago (we presume some other customer forgot it). So honesty can come from thievery.... eventually.

CAM · 22/08/2002 11:48

No dd never did get mummy pig back from the mini-thief so baby pig was all alone on the farm. dd used to ask me where the mummy was as all the other baby animals had theirs and I never knew what to say! The mother of the child remained only an acquaintance - I could never feel she could become a real friend after separating mummy and baby pig like that! Can anyone tell that I'm bored today?

Azzie · 22/08/2002 12:17

When I was 11 I found a woman's purse in the Ladies at the local theatre, and handed it in at the box office. A few days later the lady's husband came to see my mum and dad and accused me of stealing £50 that was in the purse. My mum and dad stood up for me - they said that I was an honest child, and that anyway they would have known if I had suddenly acquired that amount of money (a lot 27 yrs ago!). I was really upset, as you can imagine. About a week later he came back again - it turned out that the man at the box office had taken the money from the purse, so the husband came to apologise to me for suspecting me, and bought me a huge box of chocolates to say sorry. I've always felt that it was sad that I was the immediate suspect because I was a child, but good that the husband showed me respect and how an adult should behave by coming and apologising to me for his mistake.

Jbr · 22/08/2002 12:34

Azzie, it's a lot now though it was worth even more then.

Cam, that lost pig story is bringing tears to my eyes.

;-)

CAM · 22/08/2002 16:40

jbr I had to give baby pig lots of extra attention as it was in effect orphaned at a very young age, also I used to worry about mummy pig pining so terribly at being separated from her little one....and all the time pretending to dd that baby pig was perfectly alright... when I knew otherwise....

SueDonim · 22/08/2002 17:17

Oh, Cam Could Fisher Price not have supplied a foster mummy for Baby Piggykins?

Rhubarb · 23/08/2002 14:27

Are we talking a real pig here or have I missed something?!

Rhubarb · 23/08/2002 14:28

Perhaps Mummy Pig went to Denmark in search of some Danish Bacon . Sorry!

Jbr · 23/08/2002 15:20

Rhubarb! That's just mean.

:-)

helenmc · 23/08/2002 21:02

I thought 'This little piggy went to Market...

CAM · 24/08/2002 13:56

Oink! Oink!

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