I need some impartial advice.
I am in a bit of a predicament with my relationship. I’m going to start from the beginning. Bare with me on this, it’s very long winded...
I met my partner 6 months ago at a works conference, it felt like love at first site. It was the last place I was expecting to meet anyone. I soon quickly established in the first hour or two of chatting that he lives in Scotland (I live in England) - Over 350 miles away. Admittedly this hasn’t been a problem, we have managed to see each pretty much every weekend which is great and we talk all day and evening until we go to sleep.
The next road block, I am 24 and he is 40. I have always liked dating older men. He doesn’t look his age, and we get on like a house on fire, I don’t see it as a problem and neither has he. I will come back to this...
The next thing, I am quite an open minded person but I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to date anyone with a child, call me selfish but I didn’t want to share. I found out he has a 7 year old son, I decided to try it and see how it was. Our relationship has been a huge whirlwind and he introduced me to his son 3 weeks in. I adore his son now and we are all very happy.
Now, onto the main problem we have hit. I made it very clear to my SO that I want to have children and I made this very apparent from the get go (on second thoughts I probably shouldn’t have gone into it that early). We came back off holiday on Saturday and in the airport, he turned around and said that he doesn’t want to have a child, he is final on the decision and we should go our separate ways. I am absolutely distraught at this outburst. He hasn’t spoken to me about it and just sprung this on me. We have spoken about this 2/3 times and he said he would have another child but now tells me I put him on the spot.
I understand his concerns, he doesn’t want to have a new born baby in his 40’s, he was never keen on having a child in the first place (not that he regrets having his son). He is concerned that I will have no one around me to help with a baby (as I would have to move up to Scotland).
I have told him that I am prepared to sacrifice having a child to be with him. He keeps throwing it back in my face saying that in years to come I will resent him and we will be in exactly the same position that we are in now when I am really ready to have a baby. He wants us to go our separate ways. He says that even if we fall pregnant accidentally then we will have to get rid of it which I won’t let happen. He says that he is worried that when I reach my 40’s that I was regret not having kids and it will all be because of him. Playing devils advocate here, but what if I chose for us to go our separate ways, don’t end up meeting someone that I am really happy with, don’t end up having kids and resent myself and regret letting go of a relationship with him that I was truly and deeply besotted with.
The thought of having a child become an import not they long ago. This has only really become prominent in the last 2 years. I have associated having a child with being happy. In my past relationship there was always a piece missing and I assumed that the missing piece was a child when in fact, the failure of the relationship was the person and how I felt. I didn’t realise what love was until I met him. I was emotionally and financially exploited in my last relationship, there was a lot of mistrust and I truly thought that I child would help make everything better. I know so many people that have had kids to try and patch their relationship back up and they aren’t really happy. This happens too much these days and part of me thinks that I would rather have a happy, content and loving relationship with my current SO knowing that he can’t give me a child but can’t get me anything else. Or do I risk losing why I have now in search of what I want and never finding it. I don’t think I could feel the same way I do about my current partner than I could about anybody else, I can’t explain it!
We have only been together for a short while, and yes I am young but we have so much time to grow together which is left to come. People naturally share a difference in an opinion and as a couple, you work and overcome that in what ever way. Nobody knows how anyone will feel in future regardless of wether children are involved or children are not involved.
I have never felt the way I do about someone than I do him. Like I said earlier, our relationship has been a complete whirlwind and I have never been so happy. All my family and friends love him and can’t be happier for me. I can’t explain how I feel about this man, our relationship is something very special.
I feel like my whole world has crumbled before me. I really want to have a child but I don’t want to lose him. I am really torn.
I am sorry it’s an essay but I needed to write this all out.