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Original poster

Children at funerals - opinions?

21 replies

TooTicky · 16/07/2007 11:06

I am going to a funeral tomorrow (my grandmother's sister's husband) so family, but not the closest. I was going to take the dcs (ds1 is particularly interested) largely because it will be an opportunity to see my grandmother's sister who hasn't even met all of them. Also, because it is educational/part of life. They all have healthy attitudes towards death. They will behave themselves. But some people get funny about children at funerals.

Just wanted some opinions really...

OP posts:

beansprout · 16/07/2007 11:08

How old are they? It doesn't sound like they are likely to be upset, but if they are likely to disrupt proceedings I would keep them away. I think funerals are important for those who are really grieving and the needs of the bereaved outweigh your children's needs on this occasion.

Could you just go to the wake?

WendyWeber · 16/07/2007 11:11

If they will be quiet and respectful throughout and you sit at the back ready to whisk them out if they start asking loud embarrassing questions then I don't see why not.

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 11:11

If they want to go I'm all for it. As you so sensibly say, it is a part of life and as long as they won't be upset then good experience.

If it was for someone they were very close to ie - immediate family then I would say it is important for them to attend to say good bye.

However, if they are likely to be upset and disrupt anything/ or badly behaved (which it sounds like they won't be) then I would say (as not direct family) then no.

Howdydoody · 16/07/2007 11:12

I think if they are above 4 ish it's a good thing for them but also others as it gives you some light relief from the sadness of the day. Dont mean that to sound disrespectful but most of us automatically smile at children and i think it's a good thing. Mine were 5,8 and 11 when they went to grandmothers funeral and the other relatives loved seeing them

peanutbear · 16/07/2007 11:12

When I was 7 my beloved grandad died my mom thought I was too young to go to a funeral. This might sound silly but I still regret not going and not being able to say goodbye, even though it ws obviously a choice

My mother still thinks its not appropriate to take children to funerals

WendyWeber · 16/07/2007 11:12

Is DS1 old enough to write down any q's he has, to ask later?

Tigana · 16/07/2007 11:13

If they will behave themselves then I see no real reason not to take them. Although funerals can be pretty boring of you don't really know the people involved well (sounds harsh...you know what I mean though).

I can understand when people don't want young children ( ie babies and oddlers)at funerals due to the high likelihood of disruption. Some people want a quiet, sombre funeral. Others are more than happy to have the 'next generation' singing "old macdonald" from the back of the church when they spot a sheep in a pile of toys for the sunday schoolers (thanks DS!)

bobsmum · 16/07/2007 11:13

I would keep them out of the service personally, but have them at the wake afterwards. I think having children at funerals lifts people a little.

At my gran's funeral a few months back, I sat in the service while dh sat with the children in a side room - the service was head over the speakers. The children were able to potter about and ask questions and witter, but they didn't disturb anyone.

There were some children (under 5s) in the service, but they started getting noisy and fidgety and were taken out.

Original poster

TooTicky · 16/07/2007 11:14

They are 10, 8, 5 and 2. The older three will be good and quiet. Dd2 can be whisked out in a jiffy if she is noisy, but she should be fine.

It was not a sudden shock death - he had been ill for almost a year and was a grand old age, and general opinion is that it is a blessed release, so I don't think there will be a lot of trauma.

OP posts:

bobsmum · 16/07/2007 11:16

I think those ages sound fine tbh

daisyandbabybootoo · 16/07/2007 11:18

It would depend how old/emotionally aware they are and how close to the deceased I suppose.

My dad died when my DS was just 3. I felt he was too young to cope with the funeral, mainly because I didn't want him to see how upset I was, but he was at the wake afterwards. My sisters boys were 6 and 3.5 and they were there as she felt they were mature enough to understand (her 6 year old saw his grandad at the funeral home too).

DS is now 5 and would cope better now I think.

lou33 · 16/07/2007 11:22

i didnt take mine when my mum died, they were 6,2 and 10 weeks at the time ( i only had 3 then)

they went to spend the day in hyde park and have a picnic,with their cousins

they would have found it too upsetting seeing me upset and other people getting in a state, and my mum would have preferred them to be having fun

however my best friend took his daughter to the funeral of his bil and she is 7, apparently she coped remarkably well, so i guess it is down to the maturity of hte child in question really

Tigana · 16/07/2007 11:22

ds has been to 2 funerals (3 wakes)and he isn't even 2 years old yet .
Each time we checked with the family how they would feel about him being there.

He was a bit disruptive (Old Macdonald etc!), and I found it a bit tough because I wanted to be with DH to comfort him ( 2 were grandmothers, 1 uncle) but couldn't as I had to wrangle ds. BUT he provided much light relief and lots of "ooooh, his great grandmother was SO proud" etc moments.

bobsmum · 16/07/2007 11:24

Agree about light relief. At my gran's wake the repeated comment from everybody was how much she would have enjoyed to see all the great grandchildren capering about. It was very bittersweet.

numptysmummy · 16/07/2007 11:31

I took dd aged 1 to her gt gt grans funeral on friday. I didn't take the older children as i felt it would be to long for them to be expected to behave for but i had to take dd as nobody to look after her. Luckily she slept thru most of the service and when she did wake nobody minded. Gt gran had a large family and it seemed right that there should be children there as she loved them so much. Other gt grandchildren there and they did lighten the mood alyhough gt gran was 101 so not sad iyswim.

Original poster

TooTicky · 16/07/2007 12:44

gLAD IT HAS WORKED SO WELL FOR SO MANY [SMILE]
(Sorry for shouting! )

OP posts:

fourboys · 16/07/2007 13:04

Been thinking about the same thing, I am going to my grandmothers funeral on thursday and I have four children the exact same ages as yours. I have decided not to take my three elder children. My 2yr old is coming but that is more down to there being no one to have him. I have no objection to children at funerals but feel that mine would be bored which could lead to all kinds of inapropriate behaviour! .
If unlike me you feel confident that your children will behave and benefit from going then i see no reason why the should not. Hope it goes well. x

OrmIrian · 16/07/2007 13:10

Children represent the start of life, new beginnings. I think that is important when you are marking the end of a life. I also think it's important for the children to witness the way we mark death in our society - I think there is a tendency to sweep it under the carpet a little with children. However I think it's fair to expect them to be reasonably quiet and well-behaved in a way I wouldn't at a wedding or a christening, in respect for people's grief.

My FIL refused to allow his GC's (long before my children came along) at his second wife's funeral - at all, no exceptions! Which I thought was quite wrong. They knew the lady and they were fond of her. She had been a part of their lives and I didn't see why they couldn't witness her funeral too. I thought he was being selfish tbh.

stressteddy · 16/07/2007 13:16

My mum took me to a funeral when I was about 10. It was someone I didn't know and therefore had no connection to. She did it in order that I would be prepared for what happened when someone closer to me died
I think it was an inspired thing to do

rookiemum · 16/07/2007 13:19

I took DS to my MILS funeral when he was about 4 weeks old.

People seemed pleased by it and I think he allieviated proceedings slightly. I would have taken him out of the service if he cried, but my DH needed both of us there to support him.

However I don't think I would take him now at 15 months because he wouldn't be able to sit still or quietly and I feel it would be disrespectful for the other people.

So if they can keep quiet then yes, if not definitely no.

madamez · 16/07/2007 13:26

Depends on a variety of factors: the age of the DCs, their general dispositions etc - but also, how close they were to the deceased and how the rest of the family/close friends feel. For instance, a child at a grandparent's funeral is probably OK with more people than someone bringing a disruptive child to the funeral of a work colleague they didn't know particularly well themselves...
But it sounds like the OP has it all in hand and I can't see anyone objecting if she takes her DCs as long as she whisks them out if they do start acting up.

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