trying to be assertive and end up being tearful - long, sorry

[millipede]

Does anyone else suffer from this problem and what do you do to stop yourself getting wound up and upset every time you have to challenge someone about something?
For example - I had a horrible run in with dd's teacher this week because I dared to ask her about her homework policy (long story) and it ended with her telling me (in the playground) all about the problems dd is giving her, as she is too dreamy apparently. She's 3 weeks into P1 by the way! Then tonight I tried to try on a pair of jeans in M and S and apparently had missed the tannoy announcement by a couple of minutes telling me the changing rooms were closed, so they wouldn't let me in. I asked very nicely if I could speak to the manager re their policy, and got a ticking off from the manager, assuring me that I had obvoiously missed her announcement and that they have to shut the changing rooms 10 minutes before shops shuts or else they would never clear the shop.
So I'm now really upset, and wish I knew how to not let things like this get to me, and get me so upset. Any ideas, please?

dont know why you challenged them about hte jeans ! they wer totally right!

Because, they put a tannoy announcement out 10 mins before the shops shuts re changing rooms. They put tannoy announcement out 5 mins later about the shop shutting in 5 mins. That means if you arrive half way between announcemtns and want to try suff on, the shop is still open and they are happy to take your money but you can't try on stuff. She did also say that if I had asked an experienced member of staff they would have let me try them on. Apparently I asked someone who has only started last week.

hi millipede. not going to get into the merits of trying on and tannoys!!! but please bear in mind that shop staff do not always get paid for time spent at work after the shop shuts - I would imagine M & S do, but Argos didn't when I worked there fiveish years ago.

I do know the problem of having difficulty asserting oneself. I think that part of the problem is reading too much into people's response - and another part of the problem where people do appear to be responding negatively is getting upset rather than clarifying what the criticism is, and deciding whether or not and how much to accept - e.g. going into panic mode rather than taking control of the situation.

hth

Millipede, I think the main thing about assertiveness is that you are honest and act in a way that you are comfortable with. For example, if you don't like the policy of a shop, you contact the person in charge and tell them how you feel and why without pre-empting it with phrases like 'I'm sorry but I think..' - because, usually, the person saying it is not sorry but infact is cross, so a better thing would be to say 'I find the policy irritating/annoying and/or unhelpful because..'

What I am trying to get across here is that with assertiveness, you do not always get what you want but you respect yourself more because you have been honest and explained yourself clearly and asked for whatever it is that want.

I don't know the details of either of the examples you posted about, but if you complained to a teacher about the homework policy in the playground/within earshot of others/ at an inconvenient time she may have tried to deflect you by complaining about your daughter and perhaps it would be better to make an appointment with her when both of you are in a comfortable environment.

Sorry if I have rambled or got the wrong of the stick.

You need to 100% believe in what you are saying, and tell rather than ask.

For example instead of "could I have a refund on this?" you need to say "I need a refund on this".

I have this problem ALL the time.

I find it so difficult to confront people that I either end up in tears or wind them up. I've tried assertiveness classes & i can do it all the time I've got the class as back-up. After that it all goes to pot.

I complained to the duty manager of the Hilton in Aberdeen (DON"t ever go there) after we'd been kept awake most of the night by a wedding party running up & down the corridor and making mobile calls outside our room at 3am (tried to ring reception at the time & the room phone didn't work!). He had a real attitude problem, wouldn't listen & thought it was enough that they wouldn't be there that night!

I was so angry that I wrote to Hilton when we got home & we at least got an apology.

I never find complaining in person works. The person I'm complaining to just looks down their nose at me. I used to think it was because I was young. Obviously I am no longer young & they still do it.

After that long ramble millipede, yes I'm with you on this one. (& i think about incidents YEARS after they've happened & still get annoyed/upset)

i'm like you millipede. i worked in shops when i was younger and was always told to be polite and helpful. i just cant get over it when people are harsh or rude. i take to writing letters

sorry forgot to add, even with school i write letters. when my kids were in infants - i wrote letters.