Virtual Friendships on message boards

[PamT]

Yesterday I visited another message board, which I use occasionally because it has more specific information on certain subjects, and was deeply saddened to find that one of the members had died. She had suffered intense pain for many years and felt that she was a burden on those who knew her so she took her own life, leaving 2 young children behind. Her sister had posted to tell everyone. So far there are almost 70 messages of condolence and it is obvious how genuinely upset all the members are even though most had never met this lady or even spoken to her other than leaving messages on the various forums.

I only actually 'met' her on Wednesday when she was the first person to reply by email to something that I posted on a newly joined Yahoo Group. She sent me several emails on Wednesday and I had no idea about her suffering but later that night she ended it all. I feel so sad that we were all so unaware of how she felt and suffered.

What I'm trying to say really is how close friendships and feelings can become on message boards, as we have all seen with the support that has been given to Mumsnet members in need. The whole thing has really shocked and stunned me.

How awful, PamT. I'm not surprised that you are stunned and upset. I too am constntly surprised by the depth of emotion that can exist in virtual communities. All my sympathy.

I can also understand why you are upset. It's ironic really as message boards can be a lifeline for people in this woman's position - I know mumsnet helped me tremendously when I was feeling isolated and depressed after the birth of dd. In fact you in particular were a great help, PamT!

Anyway it's always upsetting when someone takes their own life and usually nothing could have made any difference. Best wishes.

My posting wasn't really looking for sympathy for myself, although I was really upset when I found out. I just wanted to comment on how wonderful it is that everybody can support each other through forums and message boards and we should certainly be inspired by the life and work of certain members.

Lucy, you make me blush. I post here because I like the company and also like to poke my nose in to other people's lives. Being a SAHM can be very lonely sometimes. Far too often I voice my own opinions and these don't always go with the grain but I'm glad that I was of some help to you.

Oh how awful. Lots of sympathy.

PamT, that's dreadful, no wonder you were so shocked. A lot of people poo-poo internet messageboards, thinking you should go out and get a life and some 'real' friends, but they couldn't be more wrong - finding this site as been like finding a pot of gold, I've had such great advice, laughs, and I was so grateful for the support I received when I had a mc earlier this year.

What a terrible thing to happen PamT. I know that I have made some good 'friends' via a couple of messageboards and that mumsnet to has been a lifeline for me when I have been depressed, so I can understand why you are upset.
Friends are friends no matter how you meet them - no-one poo-pooed people having penfriends, so why should they look down on this. Dh says mumsnet is great cos he doesnt have to listen to me babbling on, or have to listen to phone conversations!!

Completely echo what every one has said, I am quite new to mumsnet and so thankful that I found it. Sometimes it really helps just to type down that you think you are going mad because of children and know that there are all of you out there who havve been thru exactly the same. If I heard that anyone who I have posted with on here had died either by natural causes or other means I would be very upset, and the disadvantage of it is that it would be very probable that you wouldn't be able to attend a funeral which I would want to do, not just as a mark of respect but also because I think some sort of service whether religious or not is a vital part of the greiving process. Raise a glass to her tonight pam, so sorry this has happened.

PamT - I think in your position I would feel frustrated that I'd not been able to help this woman. It is sad that so many people can be supportive and yet at such a distance. How kind of her sister to let you know.

It's a funny old world isn't it?

I agree with you all - so sorry to hear about your friend?s death, Pam. You are bound to feel upset about it, it must have been a huge shock for you.
You are absolutely right about message boards. For me the anonymity of the system means that I can be more honest about my feelings and gain so much from knowing other people out there right now are going through exactly the same set of parental emotions that I am - it helps me feel very normal! The concept of "virtual friendship" that is often mentioned when talking about message boards is very inaccurate. IME it is more like mutual and genuine support. I just wish more parents had access to the internet to benefit like we all do - it really does make a difference.

Eulalia is right about the sister taking that trouble at what must have been such a terrible time for the family. I worry sometimes about former regulars here (especially those who disappeared around the time their babies were due. Although it must have been a distressing shock for you PamT, I guess at least you know why she will not be posting from now on. Maybe you could post her sister a link to this thread, if she is still on your other messageboard, so she can see how far the community of mums online extends. My sympathy to you and her whole family.
What others have said here about the worth and validity of online friendships is so true. This community is a real support to me.

Pamt - so sorry ,really thinking of you - virtual friends can be as good/bad as real ones.

I feel really guilty receiving all this sympathy as I am sure that there are other Mumsnet members who also post on the other board (I have seen it mentioned and also recognise names). The other message board is now looking at setting up something so that people can donate to either the charity for the condition from which she suffered or a fund to help her children and I think that both are an excellent idea. Hopefully her sister will e-mail the editor or post another message to say which the family would prefer.

I always considered suicide to be a very selfish act (my father did it when I was 8 so I do have first hand experience) and the people who suffer most are the ones that are left behind. This case is rather different though because this lady had suffered extreme pain for a number of years and had been very dependent upon other people on occasions. She didn't want to be a burden on her family and friends any longer so this must make her death a very unselfish act. I think that whilst her family will be devastated to have lost her, they will also feel some relief that she is at last free from pain.

To change the subject to the opposite side of virtual friendships on message boards, I think it has been great to follow MalmoMum and Motherofone (now two) through the final stages of their pregnancies and the birth of their babies. I was really excited and felt privileged to be told so soon. I can't wait to hear more of these stories. The messages of congratulation that have been posted to them, together with congratulations for Bluebear and other competition winners has been brilliant. I've only been here for a couple of months but I don't know how I could live without Mumsnet now, long may it continue (I'll probably still be addicted as a grandma in 15-20 years time!).