Fed up. Tired of worry. Need common sense advice!

[worrimum]

I feel really down tonight. I wish I could stop worrying all the time. Do you recall my post - 'me, ds and bump tumble downstairs'? Well - I'm fairly new to this board but if any of you have gathered I am a very much a worrier mum at the best of time (hence my nickname) Always really self critical and never feel I'm doing good enough. I've been like it all my life - but not many people know.I also suffer with obsessive compulsive disorder (anyone else?) - which means I basically always have something to get stressed about - big or small. Anyway, me falling down the stairs carrying my entire family (bar dh) just about did it for my nerves, but I have been trying to get over it. (with your help!) Well I've been lectured at this whole weekend (by my parents/friends/inlaws about how stupid I was to carry my ds down stairs in my pregnant condition - plus holding something else in my hand and reminded of all the terrible things that could have happened to us all had our fall down the stairs been worse. I now feel really upset about it, keep having awful flashbacks and basically I don't want to be alone at home in case something else happens! I feel like a cr@p mum. Anyone who had OCD will relate to analysing thigs over and over and getting reassurance all the time, so you can imagine how awful this feels. Why can't people think more about my feelings? I feel terrible about it enough as it is!! Can anyone else relate - I need morale support...Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had an accident of sorts with a child?!!

I really can't relate to how you feel or behave BUT I think they are being stupid and insensitive for having a go at you. I carried my heavy 8 year old downstairs on my back the morning I gave birth to DD last year! I'm sure you've gone through all the obvious ideas but what about some professional help? Speak to your GP about counselling or Cognitive Behavoural Therapy before things get any worse and you feel any worse. BTW, I'm sure you're a great mum, wife, person etc etc! You just need to learn that its OK to think so and discover that its true!

Worrimum - there is not a single mother out there who hasn't had an accident of sorts (they are lying if they say otherwise). DD fell of changing table when 7 months - head first! My friend's son stuck his fingers in toaster. Other friend's son smashed table lamp - lots of glass and open electricity etc etc etc.

Everybody feels like a crap mother from time to time - but if you feel like that all the time you really should try and speak to someone.

As for OCD I cannot help - but only echo Davros re counselling/therapy.

HTH a little [need a huggy face]

Hi Worrimum. Think I chatted to you on your previous thread. I am I hope nearly recovered from OCD - but can definitely relate to your experience. Do your inlaws/parents/friends know about your OCD? Either if not, it is quite frankly pointless and insensitive for them to have a go at you - the important thing isn't what might have happened, but what actually did happen - nothing. Constant nagging/making you feel inadequate feeds into your OCD/feelings that you are careless/irresponsible etc. You will only get over the OCD if you stop asking for reassurance - however the last thing you need is people reminding you of the possible risk of your behaviour - OCDers can't tolerate a teensy weensy percentage of risk! You know the answer yourself- accidents do happen whilst PG/with young children. I would be astounded if there was anybody reading this who whilst PG/or with a young child hadn't had a similar "near miss".

One thing that my CBT therapist got me to do was run through a list of what I would consider irresponsible behaviour in a PG mum - sort of extreme stuff, like heavy drinking, taking hard drugs, dangerous sports etc, and to try and see that if I wasn't doing that, then how could I be the terrible mum that I thought I was. Or how would you react if your best friend/next door neighbour had that happen to them - you would just turn round and say don't worry, never mind, these things happen (pity that your family etc don't take that approach). I think that your experience with your unsympathetic family also shows the pitfalls of relying on other people for reassurance - other people can have their own prejudices/agendas and can make you feel less reassured iyswim.

Agree with Davros that you would find it helpful to seek CBT. I'm not convinced that counselling would be helpful for OCD - I had some unsuccessful counselling whilst PG for OCD.

If you want to discuss OCD etc privately, my msn is [email protected]

take care

x

I'm quite stunned by your friend/in-laws/family, I think.

I carried dd up and dowstairs while preg and sometimes while holding something else loads of times - you have to sometimes FFS.

You're all OK - that's the main thing. It is horrible to think of the "what if"s - I've had a few near-misses in various ways too, but you are only human. Is there a little treat you can give yourself to take your mind off it - a long bath maybe, or a whole evening with a good book?

Blimey, I'd suspect that your unsympathetic and unreasonable parents had caused your OCD. Everyone has had accidents with their kids. There have been some absolutely hilarious threads about it on mumsnet. Can anyone find a link? I have nearly wet myself about some of them. The kids all survived btw!

Hi Worrimum, I dropped my baby when she was 4 months old head first! I had no excuses just was'nt holding on properly and she was squirming. We had to get her x-rayed any everything, thankfully all fine but I also had flaskbacks for a couple of weeks. They go away because you have to get on with things and go up and down the stairs again/hold baby etc. You are a good mum and you can cope on your own, you don't need anyone to hold your hand and you have ds to prove it. The sooner your on your own again with ds the better. You will be fine, don't worry and we are always her for a chat.

Oh good, mummytosteven obviously knows all about this and is talking sense (as is everyone else!). CBT then, not counselling. I wonder if there are any support groups as well, although you may not be at that stage yet but I think you should contact M2S as a starter.

I can relate to how you feel-I am going through the same thing myself at the minute.I was beginning to wonder if it was OCD,as I suffered from that about 15 years ago.I seem to be such an airhead at the minute,that like you,I don't like being on my own in the house with dd in case I absent mindedly leave the stairgate open/drop her/forget to do her highchair harness up or something.

I can only echo everyone else-no one is such a supermum that they're children don't have accidents-that is why they are called accidents.

As for your family & friends who really ought to be supporting you-I'm sure that they have had things happen to their children too.

There are some good suggestions on here from the other mums which I am going to take on board too.I can't really offer any advice other than that which they have already given,but I do know how it feels & you have my sympathy.

I really do hope that you feel better soon.

This might not help but I am the mum of a healthy happy 15 month old DD (plus a DS) and I am still obsessed with a fall that did not happen - I stood on a chair at 6 months pregnant and my sister went mad - saying what if I had fallen -etc - I was totally fine about it at the time as I had got file required and stepped down of chair quite safely - did not think about it at all until about 5 months ago and now can not get it out of my mind - what if I had of fallen, what if I had have hurt her... I actually feel sick about doing it and nothing happened!

I am sure it is all wrapped up with the huge love we have for them and the complete lack of total control that we have over their safety.

I think as everyone has said we all worry to different degrees - some of us (like me ) do it more so but you are so not alone worrying - but if you feel it is taking over, then CBT does seem like a good way forward.

Good luck

worrimum, like everybody else has said this is an easy thing to happen. i am always having accidents. A couple of months ago my ds ran into the sea! He got away from me and I kept thinking 'he will stop in a minute', but he just kept running. He was only 2 so didnt realise and ran into this sea pool and sank! Even though I was right behind him and fished him out I still cant get the image of him sinking out of my head. It really bothered me for a couple of weeks.

I think that the point is you, bump and ds are fine. The worst thing happened (you falling) and you were all fine. I think that you are a good mum with nothing to worry about.

I think that idea of chatting with other people with OCD would be a great idea for you (helps when your family dont understand). ((hugs)) to you

It's easy for friends/relatives to pass judgement, but they dont have an active toddler to care for and a house to run, wouldn't we all love the luxury of being able to sit around with our feet up, preferrably eating chocolate all day long but we can't. I had a very near accident a month or so back, I was carrying dd had a file in hand and my foot caught I nearly tumbled down the stairs luckily I dropped the file and grabbed the wall to steady me, took me a good while to get back to normal too, I didn't bother telling anyone about the incident because I think my mother would have been like your relatives, lecturing me on the worst that could have happened. Your not a crap mum at all.

You are obviously a thoughtful and very caring mum.

Accidents happen in split seconds out of all the days, weeks, months and hours that you care perfectly for your children. We are only human. My dd fell down the stairs and was fine, but the feeling of sickness and shock has stayed with me. Now, I go down the stairs in front of her always, even though she tells me to get out of the way!!! so now I am a fussy mum! can't win!! take care of yourself!

Thank you all for your lovely messages - it has made my night!

I can't tell you how nice it is to know I am not alone. (yes mummytosteven it's me again)

My family just care for me and the babies I know - but they don't really understand my OCD - My family know about OCD (I told them a few months ago) - my inlaws don't and it was their comments that hurt the most.

I will get help with my OCD.

My worry now is little bump. Got scan in One week (20 weeks) and though I can feel kicks I still hope the little babe is ok and not hopping around with a sore leg etc!!

Thank you all again. Will go and tell dh how lovely you all are.