Wedding present advice

[Tissy]

My cousin, who I haven't seen for at least 30 years, is getting married next weekend. We're not invited to the wedding or reception, but via my father (cousin's uncle, IYSWIM), we have been invited to a lunch-party the next day. I don't really want to go, but none of my brothers and sisters (who live much further away) are going, and I get the impression that Dad will feel that his offspring have let the side down if we don't go.

Question is, do we get a wedding present? TBH,if we hadn't been expressly invited by my Dad, we wouldn't have known about the wedding, and so wouldn't have sent a gift. I don't really know my cousin, and have never met his fiancee, so any gift would really be meaningless and probably superfluous- yet another toastrack. I don't know (we haven't been told) whether there is a list, but given that the wedding is this weekend, it's getting a bit late....

would, say £20 of M+S vouchers be acceptable, do you think, or would you say that they won't be expecting a present?

If you haven't been sent any proper form of invitation then I wouldn't send any proper present!

sorry, that's a bit harsh. I'd send a card and possibly the vouchers - I think that's ample myself.

Sounds a strange set up to me... I'm surprised that you would be invited to a lunch, but not the reception. Are they paying for lunch? If it were me and I went to the lunch, I would take a not too exprensive present, after all if I go to a party or dinner at a friend's I take wine/chocs/flowers.
I would rather seem generous than feel mean, but if I didn't go to the lunch I wouldn't send a present

I would treat it like a normal lunch invite and take flowers/wine but not a wedding present. I wouldn't have thought they were expecting one.

yes, I get the impression that the lunch will be catered- apparently the wedding itself is in some terribly expensive venue, so only a limited number of close family are going. The family however is huge; my Dad is one of seven brothers and a sister, most of whom have children, exes, step children, grandchildren...my Mum, who was divorced from my Dad 20 years ago, got an invitation to the lunch, FGS!

I would not take a present as you hav'nt even received a proper invite to the lunch. It has been by word of mouth and not even by the cousin hosting the lunch. If you feel you should go I would just take a card especially considering that you haven't seen them for so long. If you don't want to go just send apologies but still send a card.

Welcome to MN helsi

got to go, really, would hate to let my Dad down! Am secretly rather hoping that my daughter's mild runny nose turns into a (not too serious) asthma attack. It has happened before!

I'd agree with the non-expensive present option, if you would feel bad about going empty handed. As you were only invited by word of mouth, then I would say a congratulations card and some lovely flowers would be ample.

If they are off on honeymoon the next day or something, then I wouldn't take flowers as they won't be able to enjoy them. I'd go for the vouchers (sorry to muddy the waters!). I think £20 worth would be very generous considering you haven't been invited formally though.

what about a pair of nice (but er.. cost-effective) glasses and an oddbins voucher? my standard for any distant connnection's wedding and then in the card you just wish them happy moments together