Constant near misses with toddler

[worrimum]

This is my first time here - I've plucked up the courage and just wanted some support and to know I'm not alone!! I'm pregnant with my second child and also have an adorable, albeit a tad mischievious little boy of 17 months. He is such a good natured soul I really couldn't ask for more - but sometimes I feel I really can't cope. My problem is that I'm a constant worrier at the best of times. Being responsible for somebody else, other than myself 24 hours a day (I'm a full time mum) just makes my worrying worse. Now that he's walking/running he is into absolutely everything. He always is munching on things from the garden/climbling on the furniture, opening cupboards/twisting knobs - basically all the things that toddlers do I suppose! Most days its fine - I fire fight most of the day - move this move that - run after him here and there - catch him from falling - stop an object falling on top of him - grab things from his hand or out of his reach etc etc. Other days, like today, I slip up and think 'That's it - I'm rubbish/crap/irresponsible etc '- Today, I stupidly left the stair gate open and whilst on the phone he crept upstairs and went straight to the toilet (door is usually shut) and I found him playing with the toilet seat. I didn't know if he might have touched the toilet cleaner under the rim of the seat - as I obviously hadn't been there and for the rest of the day have been worrying about the chemicals he could have injested. I washed his hands but he is a thumbsucker and always gets his hand to his mouth first. Phoned my dh who is used to my constant worrying - and checked for abnormal signs with my ds - nothing abnormal - but I now feel really crap and that, but for the grace of God, this sort of thing or worse doesn't happpen ever day. I just feel like I'm really irresponsible at times and feel so guilty. Common sense and me just don't seem to get on, and even if I can see that he's fine, or that, yes something bad could've happened but didn't, I still dwell on it for hours, all the mights and could have beens. I imagine in my mind what he could have done and get so upset. as I wasn't there, I'll never know. I constantly search for reassurance from people who must think I'm mad. Worse, is that I look on the internet and always read horror stories about accidents and children with bleach, poison, falling, spills etc etc and it makes me worse. Am I normal? Can anyone relate? Sorry to go on. I just seem to be having a bad day.

Oh, poor you. You aren't depressed are you? You certainly are a worrier. Your son sounds really normal. Toddlers don't normally kill themselves . As for the loo seat, just remembered my ds touched it this am and I didn't wash his hands at all before he ate his toast!! Oh well, good for the immune system, eh? You certainly aren't irresponsible. Well, not compared to me. And stop looking stuff up on the internet right NOW - you are just tormenting yourself.

Worrimum,

Iytseems to be the day for worrying. I have opened a bar as I need a drink after my C**y day.

Thanks aloha,

I've sat here for a minute or two, just to see if I might get a quick reply to put my mind at rest and your message came up and has made me feel much better. I think I do get depressed from time to time yes (actually I have a sort obsessive compulsive disorder, but couldn't afford a whole course of having therapy (£75 per session!) so its always been left hanging around!! )- but am usually able to snap myself out of it - I'm the kind of person who has to keep busy all the time so I clean the house/ take ds out and about / go to lots of baby groups etc. My worrys then do tend to disperse! My dh is also a great support. He's the one with all the common sense!! Thank you again.

hi worrimum - i can definitely relate to your post as I am currently recovering from OCD (nearly there I hope)! The problem with constantly seeking reassurance is you feel better for ooh all of about 5 minutes, and then the next day something else comes along and stresses you out

treatment wise - the best combination is Anti-Depressants together with CBT. Otherwise either on their own can be very helpful. As for CBT - you can get referred for this on the NHS but there tends to be a waiting list as long as your arm! As for private sessions - I have seen a psychotherapist privately - I think it was 10 sessions at £50 per session - the guy I see doesn't do long term therapy, but makes it time limited - so even going private isn't that outrageously dear - if it makes you happier it is worth it! Otherwise there is plenty of useful information on the web, and self-help books - Lee Baer is very good (Imp of the Mind),(Getting Control).

worrimum - it might help if you think - what would you think if that event had happened to your best friend and her son? would you expect her son to suffer any harm? would you think badly of your best friend if that happened, or just think it was bad luck? No - so try and be gentler on yourself - far more easier said than done!

If it helps, as a toddler my Precious First Born son used to eat the cat food that was left round the cat bowls and he's still around

Yes, know what you mean about reassurance seeking. It's true, five mins of feeling ok, then its back again. I have read Imp of the Mind (v.good) and a host of there books and have found them really useful. Treatment-wise, I'm not sure if I will go down that road yet, but probaby will in the future. I have tried with the private therapy but as mentioned the cost was a bit high!! With baby two on the way, plus I need to pass my driving test, I have a few things on - but yes, I know that alot of my problems stem from this unresolved problem of OCD!! Glad that you are getting through it though. Well done. Its a tough one to shift isn't it?!! Thanks for the message though.

Hi Worrimum

I'd say you were having a bad day. Toddlers have survived for years doing exactly as you describe. I think the environment we live in today just exacerbates the worry factor. I have a wonderful poem which sums up childhood which may brighten your day a little......

A TRADITIONAL CHILDHOOD
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably should not have survived!
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of seven and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If you're one of us - Congratulations! Wasn't it great!

Thanks for all your messages and advice - yes, any other tales of toddlers surviving situations always gives me hope!! Ds has also eaten cat food - and he is also still here, so I should take note! And its true, if a friend of mine tells me a similar tale of toddler terror, I always find a wise word to say so should take note there also. I must admit, I do find that most other mums seem more reluctant than I to share stories of things they've done/ or near accidents with toddler. As my DH says, they happen to everyone but most don't say anything. It just makes me look like Mrs Dramatic all the time when I come out with my latest incidents!!Anyway, I've got to see to the young man himself now as he is calling me from his cot so will say bye for now. That's my ds, I'm referring to, not my husband.

And here's us thinking you had a toyboy [grin}

that was meant to be

Great poem - I'll stick it on my kitchen door!!!

Wonderful - I'm trying to spread the word. I'm using it as a table setting at my DD's first birthday.

worrimum - congratulations on your pg. When are you due? I guess that experimenting with ADs isn't the ideal at the moment then!. I ended up on Prozac at 30 weeks PG (but that is a separate story!). Looking on the web for reassurance is always a very bad idea - there is always some scare story out there it seems!

take care

Due beginning of Feb- two under two!! Oh dear! Must go to get ds - still in cot chatting to himself and toys. Take care! (smile)

Fantastic poem, Pagan. Sums up my childhood to a t. And it was great!

Worrimum,you sound a lot like me.I only have 1 dd at the minute,so have less to deal with than you,but recognised myself in your post.

You are normal-no one can give 100% full on attention all the time.I'm sure that we all have had 'near misses' with toddlers & small children,it is just that no one really likes to mention them in case they are viewed as a 'bad mother'.I spent days recently torturing myself after leaving the door open a crack & finding dd on the 3rd step of our stairs.I promptly bought a stairgate,tried to climb over it whilst my arms were full of washing & fell down the stairs.Not content with just physically hurting myself,I then spent the rest of the day beating myself up thinking 'what if I'd been stupid enough to climb over it with dd in my arms? She could have been killed'.

I asked some close friends & family if they had ever done anything/had anything similar happen to their kids.Strangely enough,they all had,but no one mentioned it until asked.They ranged from babies rolling off beds,rolling off sofas,toddlers falling off chairs & sofas,drinking home perm lotion,eating catfood,eating worms (2 of these),2 seperate mums leaving babies outside shops & forgetting they were there.Come to think of it,I'm sure I fed the cat & then dd whilst forgetting to wash my hands yesterday & she is fine.

Please go easy on yourself-you are a good mum & you are obviously concerned about your son's welfare.Toddlers seem to be magnetically attracted to things they shouldn't touch & have a 6th sense that tells them when your back has turned!

I'll add DD's escapades for only the last couple of weeks.

• fallen into brick fireplace
• climbed out of cot and somersaulted to floor
• hit head of toilet seat (and hands were in there too)
• fallen downstairs (again in dramatic somersault fashion)
• slipped and hit chin off shelf

There have been numerous ones before then too but can't remember them all. Every parent goes through this.

my toddler's record was 2 black eyes in one week - 1. he fell off his big bro's bed at home and banged his head on the desk 2. climbed up the dolls house at nursery and slipped.

2 black eyes are not really something you can hide on a toddler, so I spent a guilty couple of weeks explaining them away!