Living with a partner's infidelity, does anyone do it?

[Lulu41]

Just found out my dp is having an affair of some sort. I dont quite know what to do with this information as I dont want to break up the family but wondered if anyone out there had similar experiences and would like to offer me some advice on how to deal with it - still very shocked!!!!!!!!!!!!

how did you ifind yout?
do you really kow?

sadly there are a lot of recent breakdowns on the relationships thread, and excellent advice and support, go and post there now, you will get lots of help, so sorry this has happened to you lulu
Big hugs xxxxxxx

lulu, is it still going on? are you sure you can live like that? how have you left it with him?

You said some sort of affair - what kind of affair is it? Is it possible to find out? Then - sit him down and demand to know what his plans are. You have a right to know where you and the relationship stand. Once you know, then there is a lot of work ahead, I'm afraid, either way. I would also speak to her. She will be being fed one (his) side of things - give her your side of the story and ask her eactly what she wants. (been there - it was enlightening).

Good luck.

Best of luck Lulu, we are all here when you need us.
I would also say that you don't have to decide anything overnight either, please take the time you need to make the right decision for you.

A friend of mine has known about her dh's affairs for the last 18years. They are happy together as she has accepted it but not bought it out in the open with him- he doesn't 'officially' know that she knows. She herself doesn't sleep with him but they have a marriage in every other sense and have bought up 3 kids like this. She loves him, he loves her, they love the kids and the grandkids. She once told me that men and women are different and that even though he's having these affairs she knows he'll never leave her- sex/affairs mean different things to men and women- I'm not being sexist but it is true that Men are from mars and women are from venus.
Personally I think I could live with it so long as it didn't start interfering with mine and dd's happiness. I WOULD stop sleeping with him and just carry on as normal otherwise

i was in a similar situation a few months ago (and received some very good advice from mn). i didn't know what to do and felt unprepared to make such a decision, especially as the decision was on my head even though it had been dh's affair. anyway, everyone told me not to make any rush decisions and basically i haven't. i have still not decided whther or not it is something i can live with or not. you don't say whether the affair is still going on . have you confronted dh? am going out now but will check later. thinking of you x

I have not confronted him as I dont want to. Sounds very stupid doesnt it but I want to bury my head in the sand and act like its not happening we have two kids on 7 and another of 13 months we havent slept together since ds's conception. I dont really care that he is having sex with someone else, does that sound bizarre/stupid. I dont want to confront him as I know it will cause a major disruption to our lives but it is obviously playing on my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're not being stupid!!!! STOP thinking that. YOU do whatever suits you and your kiddies. Be selfish. If it suits you to do nothing and you're not bothered about the affair then do nothing. If he's a good father and husband in other ways then weigh up the pros and cons of living with it. Good luck with whatever you decide {{{{hugs}}}}

lulu, it does not sound stupid at all. i confronted my dh about him hiding something (did not really suspect an affair)and was then not prepared for the chain of events and emotions that followd. unless you know you want to face the subsequent fall out i agree with you about not confronting him right now. it also gives you time to think. i don't mean to pry but do you know for definite that he is having an affair?
i do agree with what pixiefish said about men are from venus and women are from mars when it comes to affairs. i never beleived this at all before, i just thought it was an excuse for men's behaviour! but now, i do see it. i still find it hard to live with though. but it sounds like you may be able to still be happy in your family. one thing i have learnt is that there really aren't any rules and rights and wrongs in things like this, its what you personally want to live with and how you can be happy. i think taking time to recover from the shock helps.

You poor love, im not suprised youre in shock. Can you really accept what he's done and carry on? I always thought I could forgive somebody a mistke once but when it actually happened to me in a previous relationship i found i really could not forgive him, so had to leave, and i know what you mean about disrupting things. We had been planning lots of things which was all taken away by his mistake. I really think if you dont confront why he has done this you cannot solve things, but on the other hand, if you can forgive him then things could hopefully work out.

I found out by snooping basically (not something I am prone to) but I had a feeling and found a very sexually explicit txt from someone else leaving me with no doubt. I am still trying to ignore what is going on and its really weird but we actually seem to be getting on better and I am not finding it hard to be nice to him but unfortunately i think it is coming out in my relationship with my eldest he is a bit of a stroppy sod at the best of times and I find myself getting crosser than normal with him. So have made myself a promise that as of today I will try real hard not to take how I am feeling out on him, as I really dont know how I am feeling I thought I would be sobbing and wanting to chuck him out but it all gets so complicated if I do that ie. work childcare etc etc I know that sounds kind of weak but life is so weird for me right now I am just trying to get through it and hoping it will eventually end and wont affect all of our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How awful - I think you are probably in shock Lulu41 - and you're not being stupid at all to think about the possible repercussions of confronting him about it. It is probably best not to confront him until you feel ready to do so and, if you find that once this has sunk in you would prefer to turn a blind eye, that is totally your decision (and quite an understandable one). Good luck X

Lulu, I think you are doing the right thing, the first reaction may be to boot him out of the house butfamilies take years to be built and a stupid affair should not break them, I'm not justifying your DH at all but I agree with you about avoiding confrontations at this point, think the things through, think if you would like the things to work out and what do you expect of him. And once that you are ready to talk have a very serious conversation with him. I have noticed that you can get a better reaction from men when you try to reason with them than when you acusse them of something. It's better to discuss these things in the right frame of mind, he will respect you a lot for that and realise that somebody who could manage such crisis with intelligence it's definitively the person to be with.

lulu, i understand how things such as work, etc are an important consideration. when i was tying to decide what to do i kept thinking about everything in our present and future family lives,from pensions to days out. My main feeling was that i couldn't bear for my whole life (and my children's) to be taken away from me/us. Does it have to be that you turn a blind eye to it though, when you feel ready could you not say you are prepared to put it behind you but that you want him to stop seeing the woman. Or do you not want to broach it at all? can understand if you don't.

Thanks for all your replies as I havent told anyone not even my bf its great to be able to talk to you guys. I dont want to talk about it with him, I am afraid of the backlash that will follow. I am 100% sure he will go on the defensive for me looking at his phone rather than try to explain why he is boffing someone else, not that I need to look very far for the answer to that one - it will be two years in October since we had sex so its hardly surprising is it.

Lulu: By saying 'it's hardly surprising' it sounds as if you are half way to saying this is your responsibility. Actually the reason for not having sex is within the relationship, i.e between the two of you, not just your responsibility, especially when you have a baby. I believe people often live with infidelity, past or current, but if you are going to do so in cnfidence and strength, don't you have to know that your relationship and communication is strong enough? I think you are brave - and strong - not to confront him in the first moments of shock - but this is something big between you, and if you think it is 'your fault' because he hasn't had enough sex, or you are afraid to talk because you are more ashamed of snooping than you think he will be of going behind your back, then that is what would worry me on your behalf for the long term.

Hope you are ok. it must be very hard.

I am OK, 95% of me wants to just forget it and hope things turn out ok and 5% thinks of the woman I was prior to children, you know the type never puts up with any s... but since we have had the kids life is so very different and my priorities all centre around them. I grew up without a father and so dont want that for my children especially my son does that make sense?

You need to think about your needs too though. What are you going to do if/when your own sexual desires return? Can you sleep with DP again, knowing that you are sharing him with someone else? Are you going to go out and find your own 'bit on the side'? Or is that side of your life now over........?

Agree with the policy of taking a step back to think this through and decide what you want to do ( if anything!).

Good luck, and remember we are all here for you.

Lulu, of course our priorities change when we have kids, and many many relationships have survived and thrived following infidelity. In former times, it was the norm (for one sex at any rate- guess which!), and was discreetly ignored. Now we tend to thrash it all out in the open, and find ways to live, let live and forgive, I suppose. It hasn't happened to me, (as far as I know)but I wouldn't want it to bust up our little family if it did. I would want to have some very searching conversations about it though. It has happened to my Mum and Dad, and they have survived.
Take care of yourself.

Lulu, what you are saying makes loads of sense and I think you are very sensible and courageous to take a step back and think things through before you do anything. The only thing that worries me is, as lydialemon says, you do have your needs and feelings and they mustn't be ignored in this. Putting your children first doesn't mean putting you nowhere, IYKWIM. They are your dp's kids too, and without wishing to inflame the argument unnecessarily, why should you be the one to make all the sacrifices? Loads of luck and please keep posting - you will get tons of support here as you know.

and how do you think he would react if it were you that had an affair? Do you think he would be okay with it? He cant have his cake and eat it whilst you go along as the dutiful wife

I understand what you are saying, that you want to keep things normal. But he is being very deceptive and disrespectful to you , how can you let this happen?

lulu I think you're doing the right thing by taking time to think things through. Whether you confront him or not is up to you but at least you will have considered all the angles. Most people would probably just jump in with both feet and think later. Good luck.

lulu, absolutely agree you are doing the right thing to wait till the shock subsides before doing anything. And also realising that deciding to do nothing is a valid decision in itself. Before I met my husband I've been in a similar situations, did as you are doing, talked to my boyfriend, decided staying around suited me, just thought I'd see how things developed. We had a good relationship on many levels - in fact we are still in contact now, 20 years later. In the end I did leave my boyfriend after a year or so,(having no children made this a much easier decision) but only when I was absolutely ready. It seemed a natural progression and I had no regrets when it happened. I have also seen friends, married with children, live through their husband's affairs, and come out the other side, their marriage intact and the affair ended.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

I admire everyone who has said they would stay around cos its something i really couldnt do i dont think. If i found out my partner was cheating i dont think i could look at him the same way and i dont think i could stand him anywhere near me. After it happened to me i really appreciate the fact that i can trust my dp, even through rough times he never dissapears and always wants to work things out. I dont know, is walking away the easy option?