Don't know what to do anymore

[downhearted]

Am sat her heart beating fast,feeling anxious and scared.

DH has come home drunk again and is know in the kitchen after yet again pointing out waht a crap mother I am and is slamming doors and calling me a bitch from the kitchen.

All I did was tell him how I am fed up with his drinking and he has to turn it around on me and say I use him as an excuse as to why i am not coping at the moment.

He called me in the kitchen earlier and asked why I hate him so much sounding all concerned ,so i explained it was'nt fair on the children that he drinks most nights after work and does'nt come traight hme and that I am starting to have panic attacks again which I suffered from about 4 years ago and all those anxious feelings are creeping back again.

He then shut the kitchen door and proceeded to shout at me aggressivly that it was all a load of rubbish and I was using his drinking as an excuse and his drinking had nothing to do with it.It was obviously a ploy to get me in the kitchen so he could have a go.

He said I needed to face up to my responsibilites and how I am at the moment is not good for our children and it was my problem and I need to sort it out.
He said he was concerned for the children and he is not happy.

My son has SN and am finding it difficult to cope at the moment and told him this but he just dismissed it and said it was an excuse.
He said you are not coping are you,not in a concerned what but in a way as I should be ashamed of it and pull myself together.

I opened up to him and he used it to put me down .
I should not be sat here jumping out of my skin when i hear him crashing around in the kitchen,I just wish he would go up to bed ,I am shaking,this is not right ,he is my DH ,he should be supporting me not using my anxiety as a weapon againest me.
I think he does it to deflect from his drinking.

dh how awful

Do you have any support in rl? Anyone you can talk to? Have you had any help with your anxiety?

Do you feel safe being at home right now?

Sounds like you both aren't coping, even though he also sounds particularly unkind it does sound as though you are both struggling. So, maybe being together right now isn't that helpful?

Could you take some time out from one another while you get your lives back on track?

I know that sounds stark but things sounds very dismal from your post.

Did you post about this before?

You need to either get counselling or leave him.

It's not right to live with a man who scares you & makes you think you are useless.

oh downhearted please don't let him bully you [sad

Message withdrawn

I have no support from family it's just me and the children and am finding it hard to cope most days and by about 6pm am at my wits end sometimes ,then DH stays out and does'nt come home which in turn makes ds play up even more as he wants his dad home.

I then have to deal with DH and fel i have no time to myself so more ofrten than not find myself staying uptil 2am just to be alone and get some peace and quiet.

DH has never hit me he is verbally abusive when he drinks.
He has fallen asleep on the kitchen chair at the moment.

I had therapy for my anxiety a few years back but i know something is'nt right have no motivation for anything anymore.

Being apart is;nt really an opion,he would'nt go nywhere even if ther was somewhwere to go as he would'nt leave the children.

Ikeep telling myself something has to give.

I was in tears in the kitchen on Monday night as the children were playing up and DH was'nt home as usual and went to the kitchen and sobbed,the children cam e in and I tried to hide it .
This is going to sound really awful but they then started to call me a crybaby which hurt me so much.
I know it;s not their fault and they did'nt mean it,they are 3 and 5.
That made me realise something has got to change.

I told DH about this and he just said well they wrap you round their little fingers.

Yes ,I have posted awhile back about this but changed name as felt ashamed that I am still allowing this to continue.

Don't be ashamed.

It is hard to make the first move.

But if you feel strong enough, I would advise you to leave him for a while.

I remember watching my dad coming home drunk & criticising my mam's every move. I hated him for it.

You do sound really down - have you tried talking to your gp? Or you hv? It sounds like you've accepted you're not coping, now you need to find the help to feel better. I know its hard, but you can do it. Start with one thing. Go and talk to somebody, explain how you feel.

If you feel like talking, you could pick up the phone to the samaritans, sometimes its good just to offload it all.

I'm sure your dcs were just being little kids when they said you were a crybaby, they're very young, they don't understand grownup feelings.

Your dh is making the problem worse, if its hard to talk to his as he's always drinking, could you try explaining it all in a letter for him to read when he's sober? Would he consider getting help for his drinking?

i am feeling sorry for you, i know it is very hard.
i think he needs to change and help you with the kids. he needs to come early, sort out his drinking problem.
there is nothing you can do more.
it seems your dh is creating the biggest problem in your lives.
how would you feel if he were a proper father, more motivated wouldn't you?
wish you all the best.
xxx

I know I am not coping but am frightened to tell anyone in case they think i can;t look after my children.

I jump at the slightest thing,i get anxious when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door.

I have nowhere to go and he knows that.

I have written letters before and he is sorry for a few days and then goes back to normal.
He won't get help because he worries his boss will find out.

I told him that the drinking has to stop and that the children come first,to which he replied don't threaten me ,this coming from a woman who has panic attacks and can't go out sometimes.

he is not setting up a good example to yr dc by drinking, he must know that.

I think he thinks they are still so young and not aware.
He comes from a family of "social drinkers"
his parents were always entertaining and still do and drinking is part of all that.

There's a difference between social drinking/entertaining and having to drink n pints before he can walk in his own front door. Is his mum still around? Can you talk to her, ask her if she had had an SN child and a DH that was out this much what she would have done. If you can get his parents on your side it will help, he sounds like he's in denial and needs an objective third party to comment on his behaviour.

bouquet-his parents don't live in this country.

Awhile back I rang them one evening when I was really distressd and his mother listened but offered no advice.

The following day I rang back to apoligise for getting her involved and his dad answered and when he heard it was me on the phone he put the phone down on.
It has never been mentioned since.

None of her children had SN and to be honest she is in denial as far as DS is concerned.
She is always saying things like
"well there's nothing wrong with him is there,he's intelligent"

They don't really understand his condition and believe me I have tried to expalin it.

As I said previously DH grew up with drinking accepted as the norm and had a priveliged upbringing where dinner parties etc where a regular occurance and still are.

In fact when we visit them you can guarantee there will be at least 1 drink fuelled arguement at the dinner table.