Am I being unreasonable, no 32334567!

[WideWebWitch]

I'll keep it brief, it's boring, sorry!

Have just been staying in cottage with friends. Like the mug I am, I offered to buy the groceries before we got there (3 hours in the supermarket with 2 kids, now that's my idea of a fun Friday night, mmm-mm) and it came to 100 quid each. I asked before I went if they had any special requests and were they happy for me to do the shop. They both said no special requests and yes please to my shopping. This was for 7 kids and 5 adults for 7 days and nights and included booze. Anyway, on days 4 and 5 or something we ran out of bread, butter, milk and loo roll so dp and I went and got them. We also did another bread run later in the week. These 2 extra runs came to about 30 quid, something like that. When we left, friend No. 1 handed me 100 quid and said is that right? I said, oh hang on, we got bread and loo roll and stuff, let me get the receipt out to which her reply was "no, I brought about 50 quids worth of stuff with me" I was a bit surprised so didn't say anything and didn't ask for any more money but now I'm feeling a bit pissed off actually. Yes, she brought some stuff with her, which did get eaten, but so did I (apples and fruit from home which would have gone off). The fact remains that dp and I bought stuff for everyone, which was used and she didn't feel she ought to contribute to the second and third shop (all of which we needed, the kids were getting through a loaf for breakfast!) because she turned up with some poxy croissants and a couple of bottles of wine. We left some food there, enough for her to manage on after we left as she was staying a bit longer. I would dispute her '50 quids worth' figure btw, but she is notoriously tight so who knows?

Now, I can afford to wear this 30 quid write off (it's not the money that's the issue, frankly) but am I being unreasonable to be mildly pissed off about it? Wish I hadn't done the bloody shopping now, since it did seem to mean we paid for more than everyone else AS WELL as bearing the inconvenience of actually doing the damn shopping. So,

A) Am I being unreasonable and
B) Should I mention it to her? If so, how?

A) don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But it is often the case that such issues would arrise in a situation where money are to be shared by friends. Not uncommon.
B) I wouldn't mention it again. It's not worth the bother. If she's as careful with the money as you say, she'll might be offended and cagey about not parting with anymore money.

Put it down to experience and in the future ask for the money before doing any shopping returning the necessary change. I'm sorry you got upset by this experience. I would have to, just for the principle of it. Your friendship (and the children's ) is probably worth more than a debate on who's right or wrong and there is no need to stir things up. Money is always a problem in such situations and it's always good to discuss it very clearly beforehand unlesss all involved are family members. Hope you had a nice time away.

No, you are not being unreasonable - I'd be seriously pissed off too, But(!) I wouldn't bother mentioning it either. It will just turn into one big drama which you could do without. Chalk it up to experience and be extra stingy next time you have to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner at her place!!

Next time, present the bill ASAP after the shop and get people to cough up there and then. It will save the aggro later.

It would rile me as well. Bread, butter, milk and loo roll are things that run out so quicky so in a way are sort of invisible. I mean did your friend realise just how much of those basics you had to buy later on in the week? they might not have been conscious - or chose not to know. No excuse, and they should not have queried how much you spent when you came back from the shop. Really mean to refuse to pay IMO.

Should you mention it again - depends on how much you want this person as a friend. She has said she spent £50.0. I's difficult to call her a liar. How can you prove she didn't? I think you will have to let it rest. But next time you happen to have any financial dealings with her, don't feel guilty if she buys more rounds in the pub than you, buys your child an ice cream or two, etc. Just don't be overeager to reciprocate any favours for a little while. Hopefully she'll get the message.

sorry, I mean they SHOULD have queried how much you spent when you came back from the shop.

No you're not being unreasonable at all. If she and her family ate/used £x worth of stuff then she should pay £x - if not adding a little extra as you went to the trouble of actually fetching all the stuff each time.

I agree with the others that it's probably best to chalk it up to experience. Presumably, if you went on holiday together, she's usually a pretty good friend? If so it would be a shame to jeopardise the friendship. In future though I would either suggest that she do the shopping or at least cough up her share in advance.

no, and probably not for the reasons everyone else has said. bummer. going away with friends is a nightmare, isn't it? hope it was a good week other than that.

No you're not being unreasonable. She is. I wouldn't mention it- at least not to her, but would moan to others . I also wouldn never do shopping etc for her again- or if I did ask for the money as soon as I got back.

Personally I would broach the subject with her ...(in terms of "I was a bit upset when ....blah blah, can we talk about it?")rather than let it fester and fester....

www - I dont think you are being unreasonable.

We go away every year with Friends, there are 3 of us and 4 of them, when we go shopping, DH always splits the shopping in half, which pee's me off no end, as they always buy their boys something in the shop and we dont as we dont spoil our boy, they also buy treats for themselves, and god help us if we have just bloody one of them.

So when I go if the bill is say 30 euro's I give ten and make an excuse of I owe you some, but they never get it. Altho this year DH became wise to them as he'd never been in the shop when we went shopping, just took what they said etc.

This year he realised that they buy sooooo much crap and junk that he only paid say 1/3 instead.

We arent tight, just not stupid or spoiling, we do buy our DS things, just not quite to their level, ( I Must add here that their boys and husband are all aspergis/autistic) and if they say no to the kids they have a screaming fit, I understand this and sympathise etc, but why the bloody hell should I pay for their kids.

Sorry rant over.

WWW-you are definately right to be pissed off. This is a very sticky wicket. We have a house abroad that sleeps 12 so always have a house full of friends. In 2 years there have only been 2 separate incidents when this has happened and God-it pissed me off SO much. Not only were they getting free lodgings but they didn't pull their weight on groceries and the actual shopping. It's amazing how much food and drink a gang of people actually get through. You will fester on this for sure but I really don't think it's worth jeopardising an otherwise good friendship for.

I think you have a point being pissed off, but I think your friend has lost more than you. You've only lost money (and gained insight into your friend's nature), whereas everytime she does this she will lose the opportunity to go on holiday with the other person ever again.

WWW, agree with others, I would be fuming inside, but mark it down to experience and not do the shopping again, or if you do holiday together make sure money/food issues are cut and dried before you go.

Message withdrawn

ggg, the woman made a fool of herself for 2.5 Euros? That's brilliant, I would have had problems not laughing out loud! www, I think most of the problem with your situation may be that you were doing all the running around to get in the food and toiletries - that side of it was completely unfair. However, it's amazing how many times people will let you do everything just because you're polite enough to offer. As a point of interest, were you a family group of 4 and if so, who were the other 3 adults and 5 kids?

I once knew a couple who were involved in a group meal. Everyone was going to have a set price, which would cover the cost of the meal and also the wine etc. The husband asked for a discount for his wife as she was pregnant and wouldn't have any wine. Fair enought, the cost was re-calulated. He them asked for a further reduction as she was pregnant and didn't eat much because she felt too full, so could they have a discount if she didn't eat all her meal? Not surprisingly we said no!

No www you are not unreasonable but it is one of the biggest killers of friendships in my opinion.

I loathe tight people and if you are splitting a bill then that is what you are doing. I have been on holiday with a number of friends and nothing pi**es me off more than being tight fisted when we all have to pay for stuff.

When you find friends who are you can share finances with and never moan about paying it is so much easier. Strangely I have found that my richer friends are the tightest.

Of course this does not include Beets as she is a joy to holiday with as proved by us doing it again and again.

Thanks everyone. OK, I won't say anything but I just won't do it again. She is a very good friend and we've known each other a long time and stayed with each other many, many times but this is the first time we've been on holiday together. Actually, if we ever go to her house to stay we go and buy food and usually cook dinner. I won't be doing that again! She's a) tight (she's NOT poor though, absolutely not) and b) not interested in food which maybe explains it. i.e. she only feeds her kids when they've moaned quite a bit - she doesn't do regular meals or anything so maybe she just thoguht we could have managed on less? Who knows, but quite honestly if she felt like that she should have done the effing shopping! Some of these stories are amazing. I wouldn't DREAM of quibbling when splitting a bill! Cam, the other adults were 1 x a couple with 2 kids and said friend with her 3 kids. Plus me, dp, ds and dd (who's a baby, as you know)

We did this on our holiday by everyone saying how much they'd spent and then dividing up between adult weeks (some stayed one week, some stayed two). This meant that the two families with a child (both preschoolers) got kiddie food for free - but it would have been ridiculous to calculate for them as the vast majority was spent on food!

The next morning I found, of course, a receipt for 40 Euros that I hadn't declared, but I couldn't be bothered to mention it. We are not hard up, we probably have as much or maybe even a bit more than some of the people we were with. I was actually a little annoyed when someone else discovered a lost receipt and mentioned it, saying maybe we should recalculate - luckily most other people said they'd done the same, so we were happy. I didn't want to mention it because I didn't want it to be an issue - the thought was there in the initial share out - anything more than that would, I felt, have been a bit picky. I know it's different to your situation, but maybe your friend felt, like I did, that it was a bit embarrassing all the talking about money.

sorry - vast majority was spent on booze, not food. Hmm. Must preview!

No www, of course you are not being unreasonable - sadly it is the sort of thing that just won't go away for ages and ages and I usually end upcross with myself for letting it get to me! If you find a good answer to question B), I'd love to know!.

No, I don't think you are at fault feeling that way, but money is a notoriously difficult thing to deal with between friends. I would let it ride, but not offer to do that again. As you say, you can afford it, so that is not an issue, and you don't know for sure how much (in value) stuff she brought with her. Try to forget it, and conveniently forget to pay your half of the next take-away you share

Did the other couple with one child pay their share?

was it £30 in total or £30 each? if it was £30 in total between 7 adults then you're writing off £8-£10 (assuming the friend was part of a couple with a kid)and if she did spend £50 then she's actually spent more. Even if you dispute that and she's maybe spent £30 - then you're quits. I'm not saying anything about the wrongs and rights, I don't have a clue what went on, nor what this woman's like. I'm just pointing out how, even when it comes to something quite quantifiable, like money, you can end up with different perceptions of what actually happened. I'd write it off to experience, rather than get upset about it. It's very difficult to holiday with people if you haven't got a common approach to handling the money. Sounds to me, like your approach was to decide who should go and spend and to split that equally with reference to actual til recepits, which is a fair enough approach. But maybe - and I'm only saying maybe - her approach was split one big shop equally and other bits and pieces will cancel each other out. Again - potentially also a fair approach - but only if everyone's agreed to that (which I think maybe where the problem is). If you holiday with her again why don't you try a kitty approach?