I am writing to get things off my chest and to ask advice. Today I have cried off work because I felt overly anxious about going in. I was supposed to go into head office, but there has been a lot of trouble latley. A director screamed at a collegue and I in a meeting a couple of months ago. It was unprofessional behavior but i was so gobsmacked at being sweared at that I just froze. Since then things haven't really calmed down. I am supposed to be overseeing a project today and have phoned my collegue to let him know he will be on his own in dealing with any situation should it arise ( although my manager will be there to assist should anything happen). I usually think of myself as a tough cookie, but recently things at work have become very difficult. The culture of the organisation is very much blame someone else, especially if you are in a higher or management position. I feel I get no cooperation from other departments eg. I asked communication dept to do some promotional material to our customers. They were too busy. yet this had to be done, therefore I started wading in waters I have no experience of. It added an extra pressure to what already is a pressurised job. My boss took to blaming me for a meeting which didn't turn out as planned. I had already asked him for advice as I forsaw the difficulties to come. I took his advice but then on the night when things went the way I had predicted he pulled me to one side and accused me of favouring other things in my workload over this very important piece of work. The report from which would have gone to directors and the management board. He went on to say that my other workload would never be seen by directors and continued therfore to insinuate that it was less valuable. I cannot prioritise my workload because everything is a priority. I often find I am left with the buck and therefore the blame, I find I am in deep unchartered waters some of the time.
I was asked to step in for a staff presentation some months ago 2 days before the event itself. I had made notes for myself of groups into which staff were to split into. As I was talking with a collegue to another senior manager explaining what was going to happen - I showed him the groupings ( and i had taken time to make sure certain people were not together and certain skill groups were divided etc) the senior manager looked at my list and repremanded me for not using capital letters when using names on the list. I was shocked he would do this at all let alone embarrass me in front of my close collegue. Again I froze. I offered to re type the list but he refused saying he would not accept it from his staff. He told my manager the same thing. Please bare in mind that the List was for my reference only.
I find I am travelling a lot more than I think I should. I cover an area of unbelieveable distance and work at least one saturday out of every 3 or 4, sometimes stopping over in Travel Lodges becuase the drive is too far.
I have my appraisal on Friday. The way this works is a farse. I have to score my performance and show evidence that I am competent to certain appraisal markers. The manager scores my performance. We then come together to "haggle" what pay rise if any I should get. The managers know that by dropping just one mark at certain stages they can bring you down to the level at which they marked you before the haggling process. so they may "give" me a higher mark for something i can well evidence but they will then do a quick mental calculation and drop a mark later on at weaker points. my confidence is so low at the moment I am crying all the time. I know my husband would like me to get a pay rise as it would help with some of the bills. however, I refuse to haggle with my manager. i have scored myself as NIL at many appraisal markers. my husband argues that this is becuase my confidence is low. I think that If they think i have done good work, they can argue to me that I have - I am not arguing my case, besides to have a member of staff with no increase shows poor management skills. Either way I think my dignity and self respect is worth more than £800 pa.
Other worries ofcourse centre around family. Childcare is shared between my husband and I and this has been particularly difficult this summer holiday with my husband taking much of the responsability. He doesn't complain but this is unfair.
last night I started with shortness of breath. I have asthma and knew it wasn't that but couln't quite put my finger on what it was. I dealt with it like I would any asthma attack and I sat at my back garden door, doubled my dose, had hot caffine. Still it would not subside. however when i went this morning to look up "panic attacks" they are much more than not being able to breathe and shortness of breath - they are some of the symptoms. so i think i was just over anxious about today.
Last night my son came home stoned.
My husbands work contract runs out in October with a tenuos extension until April. Plus numerous other things which will give my identity away (if you haven't already guessed)
thank you for listening