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Original poster

should you always put your children first?

19 replies

granarybeck · 23/08/2004 21:48

My dh and i seperated three and a half months ago (well i asked him to leave after discovering he had had an affair). Now i am just feeling like a terrible mother because my children miss him so much and are going through an experience i never dreamt they would have to go through. They say things about the situation and how they are feeling that i can't believe are coming out of there mouths, when not long ago all they talked about was princesses and the nintendo. And then i look at them knowing i could just make it all right for them and let h come back. I always thought i would put them first no matter what, but in this situation i know i'm not doing. even lots of times when they are happy i feel so down i'm not being a good mum and entertaining them and i know they can tell i'm unhappy. sorry if i sound like i'm being pathetic, i just feel like nothing is ever going to get any better. i read threads on here about what people have been through and they seem so stron and to get over things and i just feel a million miles away from feeling happy or making my children happy.

OP posts:

lalaa · 23/08/2004 21:58

Hi granarybeck
Don't have any direct experience of this, but there are lots of people on Mumsnet who have been or are going through a break up who will be able to give you their thoughts. In the meantime, just wanted to send lots of sympathy - you are in a horrible situation at the moment, trying to do your best for everyone concerned. I think we all think we are the world's worst mum from time to time, no matter what our circumstances are, so try not to beat yourself up. Your break up is quite recent and you need time to come to terms with it and your change in situation. Personally, I think the fact that you've made the decision to split and that your sticking to that decision shows that you are a strong person - you need to grieve for your loss though.
How old are your children?

tammybear · 23/08/2004 22:00

oh granarybeck, im so sorry you're going through this. but in terms of your question, your h never stopped to think of the consequences of his affair, and wasnt putting his children or you first was he? he put himself first, and you shouldnt have to put up with what he did. of course you're going to be finding it hard, but it will eventually get better. as everyone says it just takes time unfortunately. and you've always got the support of mumsnet. do you have family or friends around who can support you?

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:04

GranaryBeck,

Yes I still get the occasional moan from DD about Dad not living at home, and also from Ds (who was 10 days old when he walked out) I think that he just copies what DD says , also an affair BTW.

You know, deep in your heart, that you can do this. And probably do it better by yourself (IMO).

Children realise that you are going through a tough time and probably play on it, not intentionally. You are being a FAB mum coz you are not letting them grow up in a enviroment where one person can treat another person without love and respect.

YES single parenting is not easy. And it certainly was not where I expected to be, but, we make the best, and (I hope) my kids are happy.

Remember you are their mum, and if you are not happy (in the long term, I realise you are not know) how do you expect them to be?

My hugs to you and the KIds

CAT me if you want to speak in rl. It's a horrib;e place to be, but it gets better.

How old are the kids BTW. Mine were 3.5 and 10 days old when he left

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:07

Granarybeck,

Has this being going on for a long time, coz I think I have posted to you before, Is it recently you chucked hin out?

Do you still want to make a go of it (trying to think of the other threads) or have you come to a final decision.

Sorry lots of questions, ignore all if you wish

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:08

God me again,

The affair, its being going on for a long time?

Original poster

granarybeck · 23/08/2004 22:09

i know its him that has caused this but i still feel like its me keeping them in it. i have got some family and a couple of friends that i can talk to but i feel a bit like i should be getting over with it now. they have been really supportive but i think there must be only so many times they want to hear about it.

OP posts:

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:15

Granrybeck.

Two, well actually three years down the line, it still bothers me, recently found out that he was sleeping with someone 6 years ago and went mad. An no am totally over him. Am in love with a very nice guy, but the fact that he lied during our realtionship, stills winds me up no end, I feel that I built a live on a load on moving sand! Only he knew the rules and me, dd and ds were left to pick up the pieces, while he carried on with his bit of stuff, and I dealt with tantrumss, bathtimes, morningtimes and bedtimes.

But I get them for the snuggles and cozies

In the end it's a fair deal!!!!!!!!!!

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:16

And that's what we're here for. Oh God if only I had Mumsnet when David walked out

Original poster

granarybeck · 23/08/2004 22:18

sorry kalex posts crossed. the affair was for a few months. i found out end of april and i asked him to move out about a week later. i don't know whether i can face trying to make a go of it or not yet, which is why its particularlt hard for the kids as i'm not saying to them daddy is never going to come back and this is how its going to be from now on but we'll be okay. They are 6 and 7 and take in and think about things a lot more than i would have thought. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

granarybeck · 23/08/2004 22:22

it sounds like you have a nice life with your kids now kalex, i am glad it worked out for you.

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kalex · 23/08/2004 22:30

GB.

I had a good weekend! Rest of life is fair to middleing (sp) is that a word!

Do You love HIM!

Can you imagine live without him, can you imagine life with him (is he going to change?)

Are you going to better off emotionally without him? ( and I leave off the kids, coz if it's best 4 you it's best 4 them)

You need to know whether you are going to try again, but the back and forwards is probably (IMO) more detrimental to the kids.

MeanBean · 23/08/2004 22:59

Sometimes putting yourself first is putting your kids first. Happy mothers make happy kids, and if you and your DH were never going to be happy again, then your kids wouldn't be happy longterm.

Do you have doubts about whether you are doing the right thing? Do you feel that you might be able to forgive DH and build a happy home with him again? Or do you know for sure that it's definitely over?

Original poster

granarybeck · 24/08/2004 09:10

That is just what i would say to anyone else but having seen just how much him not being here is upsetting them i don't know.
I do have doubts, at the moment i feel everything in my life is just one big doubt, and i don't feel that is a good place to be to try and start again with h. i feel i should know that that is what i want to do and right now it just seems too scary, but that means us all living in this mess of uncertainty.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 24/08/2004 09:15

message withdrawn

Bibiboo · 24/08/2004 09:21

GB, THis must be awful for you, but for what it's worth, I think you're doing the best for you and your children by taking time to make the right decision. If you were to rush a decision to make life easier now, you might regret it and have to go back on it at a later stage.
If you don't think you can forgive your h for what he's done (and no one could blame you for that) then don't put your children through the strain of pretending... it won't be for their wellbeing, they'll know deep down that it's not right.

Best of luck and loads of {{hugs{}}}

glitterfairy · 24/08/2004 09:43

Twiglett and meanbean I so agree. Kids like their mums to be happy. My mum stayed with my dad despite numerous affairs for the sake of the kids and in the end we wished she hadnt. Maybe when we were younger it would have seemed hard but in the long run she would have had a life and not ended up sad and on her own. I wish she had been stronger and done what she needed not stayed for us as she could have rebuilt her life she was a strong and vibrant woman with plenty giong for her but her generation always stuck with it.

Hope you are ok and lots of love.

aloha · 24/08/2004 09:48

Don't have him back just for the children. I agree with the others, one calm parent is much better than than two warring ones, and I speak from experience. But if you do think you might have a future and he is saying he is willing to change, why not go to counselling with Relate or similar? Even if you decide to split you will feel you did everything possible, and it may well halp to clarify your feelings so you can split more 'happily' iyswim. Good luck.

hatter · 24/08/2004 10:06

Hi there, sorry to hear what you're going through, One way or another, I'm sure you'll get through. It's early days yet. I can only talk from the experience of a child of divorced parents. I'd agree with lots of things here about the importance of a happy mum, but I think Aloha's point is a good one - maybe you won't be happy until you know for sure that you did what you could. But it takes two people to talk and/or go to relate so that's very dependent on your husband. Another thing I would say - I was 13 when my parents split - is talk to the kids as much as possible, it's tough but try to explain to them, encourage them to talk about how they feel. I did a huge amount of bottling it all up and it was not at all good for me. As much as possible talk to your husband about the kids, try to make sure you're giving them the same messages about what's going on, try to establish a routine for them for seeing him. And screw his neck round if he doesn't stick to it. I can't emphasise enough how important that it is. To an adult it might not seem like a big deal to change arrangements from a Saturday to a Sunday because of your own social life, but believe me, to a kid it's a huge deal and sends a very negative message about priorities right when you need to know you're no.1. Things will get better for you. You need time to think. Good luck

Original poster

granarybeck · 24/08/2004 12:05

thanks everyone. i am just finding it so difficult at the moment and anything positive either way seems such a long way off that it sometimes seems so easy to just give in and give everyone else what they want.
we did go to relate for a few sessions (at h's suggestion). it was helpful in some ways. i think i was still so much in shock and only really wanted to talk about the affair so i found the counsellor was showing a bit of a rose-tinted view of the situation (i know she has to be positive) and wanted to talk about fixing the relationship in general and our family histories and things and i just don't think i was ready for it at the time. also we did talk a lot after it happened so we spent a lot of the session telling her what we had already talked about (which is okay but quite an expensive way to pass on our conversations). i think maybe now i would benefit a bit more.

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