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Original poster

if you are born out of wedlock and your parents go on to marry are you still a b....

25 replies

mytwopenceworth · 08/06/2007 21:38

linking illigitimate because you were at birth, or do you get er - ???? ligitimate?? status?

i ask cos i found proof today that my parents didn't get married until years after i was born (and have lied and covered it up!!) they don't know i know.

also, do you think i should tell them i know if, say it comes up - like talk of marriage or wedding anniversary or just because i think they were stupid to lie about it all this time.

does it actually affect me? is it really even my business when they got married? should i tell my sister she was born the wrong side of the blanket too!

does it even matter? does it matter that they lied? i am looking at it in 2007, when it is no big deal, but it probably was 33 years ago and now they are trapped in the lie.

i think it's that i don't like being lied to. also, i now wonder if my dad is actually my dad, or if my mum met him when she was already pregnant (due to bits and bobs of info that doesnt seem to add up). is that my business? should you leave well enough alone?

i'm not bothered, just really really curious. its yet another Family Mystery (bringing the total to 3)

OP posts:

InternationalMouseOfMystery · 08/06/2007 21:39

isn't the idea of illegitimacy a bit outdated?

InternationalMouseOfMystery · 08/06/2007 21:40

i mean, there's no,legality involved

Malaleche · 08/06/2007 21:40

oooh, what are the other two?

NKF · 08/06/2007 21:41

I think that marriage makes all the children born of the relationship legitimate. I seem to remember reading something like that.

mummytosteven · 08/06/2007 21:41

I vaguely think that you can become legit if your parents marry up to a certain amount of time after the birth. I think it used to have a bit of significance in terms of inheritance, but not anymore. I would leave well alone.

CountTo10 · 08/06/2007 21:41

Unless you were going to be heir to the throne or you secretly live in the 1950's then no it doesn;t make any difference!!! I am proudly illegitemate as is my ds and baby to be. What I would say is that there are obviously wider issues that you're dealing with and perhaps having a quiet chat with one of them rather than doing a full confrontation would be advised?

mummytosteven · 08/06/2007 21:42

IMM - I winced at the thread title at first glance, but given that MTPW is talking about herself, I think it's fine.

divastrop · 08/06/2007 21:42

did you have a happy childhood overall?if yes then maybe you should just let sleeping dogs lie.your parents will have done what they did for a reason,and they probably did the best they could at the time.

juuule · 08/06/2007 21:44

If it was me, I'd have to ask. I just couldn't keep quiet.

frogs · 08/06/2007 21:46

It does make some difference, as dh and I married a few years ago and had to reregister the births of all three children -- not sure why, the new birth certificates looked much the same as the old ones, just with a new date on. Certainly when dd1 was born (12 years ago) unmarried fathers didn't have the same rights as married ones, though I believe more recent legislation has changed that. And there are tax implications as well, though that only affects the partners themselves, not the children.

FWIW my parents also got married after they had me (long story) and I did dig out somewhere a certificate 'legitimising' the birth. 30 years ago it was a big deal, so I wouldn't judge them for lying about it the same way you would judge your contemporaries. OTOH, not to tell you about it is mildly weird, but maybe you never asked?

TricityBendix · 08/06/2007 21:47

I think to be fair I'd be curious too about when they got married and how they got together, not because it's important or because it effects any perceived, if outdated, idea of status, but because they're your parents and you'd just like to know. Sorry if I've just assumed how you feel about it.
It doesn't matter, IMO, what side of the blanket you were born on. But I guess I'd want to know my parents' story.

Original poster

mytwopenceworth · 08/06/2007 21:50

1 is that my great grandfather was a serial name changer and nobody knows who he actually was and he went to canada and bigamously married a woman there. mystery is who he actually was and why he hid his identity - and what happened to him after he married in canada

2 is who is the father of my great uncle as greatgrandma (yes married to him above!) was in service to some rich family or other at the time and a few years ago my g uncle inherited a house, land and a meaningless title. apparently. which he rejected. apparently. - who was the family, if the story is even true.

and this is number 3.

OP posts:

Mhamai · 08/06/2007 21:55

I know in Ireland, although not sure if it's still relevant that if the parents of a child went onto to wed that the man had to oficially adopt his child. Ps, I don't mean to cause offence but your b at the end of your thread title irked me somewhat.

clarancelovesalabama · 08/06/2007 21:56

My mum and dad were both 16 when I was born,
they were not married.

I always knew that they never married and split when I was 5 mnths.

I guess because I always knew the truth it never bothered me them not being married.

But deep down inside I always knew that when I had a child I would be married, because that was important to me. I wanted my child to know that their mum and dad were commited, not just to each other but to their offspring also.

frogs · 08/06/2007 21:58

In Germany the children have to have the mother's surname only if the parents are not married. All my German rellies used to write to the kids using Firstname + Frogsurname, whereas in fact they all have dh surname only. Used to mildly annoy me, as i felt they were all making a point, but I suppose they were just following the system they knew.

Original poster

mytwopenceworth · 08/06/2007 22:00

oh, im sorry to have irked you mhami, i was just thinking of the words in relation to myself, (like when i make remarks about my fatness and my nuttiness)

OP posts:

AttilaTheMum · 08/06/2007 22:00

I'm not sure of the position now, but I seem to remember that if parents married after the birth of the child the child could be 'legitimated', but not if either parent was married to someone else at the time of the birth.
However, as I probably got this information from one of the many detective stories I've read it may not be strictly accurate.

sugarfree · 08/06/2007 22:01

I would maybe say something if anniversaries and the like came up,just because i think it might be a relief for them not to keep the pretence up anymore.
Although they lied to you,they probably did/do it to 'protect' you and your sister,don't be too hard on them.

Mhamai · 08/06/2007 22:01

Also if the "bits and bobs" don't add up, I think you have every right to question your parentage. Also as I don't know the legalities in the UK, I think you would be wise to find out, re inheritence etc, if it's anything like the Irish legal system. Again not sure of current system in Ireland but hope you get the answers you need.

Mhamai · 08/06/2007 22:05

Ok mytwopenceworth, I'm angry at you for referring to yourself that way too then, because your not and never will be, however nutty? ............

Malaleche · 08/06/2007 22:07

Maybe you could tell your parents you have written a book about your family and have they got anything they'd like to add before it goes to press? sorry, just being silly.... I think most families have mysteries of this type...we just met the descendants of my grandfather's first son (now 80-odd) by a woman his mother wouldnt let him marry....

shhhh · 08/06/2007 22:19

It doesn't seem anything to concern yourself with at first glance..but then when you question if your "dad" biogically is your "dad" then YES that is your concern...

I would come outright and let them know you know and take it from there..BUT that depends on your relationship with your parents. IME, I am close to my parents so would freely discuss that or make a joke of it iykwim and would get answers BUT I don;'t know your history so don;t know how your parents would react.

I would say that you needed to know for the history of your dk's..Im guessing you have dk's..?

Hmmmm..Good luck xx

clarancelovesalabama · 08/06/2007 22:20

I remember vividly being 7 yrs old and a
child on our block calling me a 'bastard'.

She knew very well that my dad didn't live with us (he'd never been around at all), but I don't think for one minute she had any idea of the impact of that word.

My dd was born out of wedlock but not once have I ever considered it to be an issue.

When I was 7, nearly 25 yrs ago, being called a bastard was immensley hurtful. The kid who called me one got a very quick, hard punch in the face, but now being born outside marriage is surely not such a stigma?

Original poster

mytwopenceworth · 08/06/2007 22:29

as always everyone, thank you for input. am off to bed now so if anyone else adds anythnig, i am not ignoring you i have gone to sleep and will probably be dreaming that i am the love child of

OP posts:

Mhamai · 08/06/2007 22:40

Night you lovely nutta!

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