perspective please - feeling really snubbed

[FeelingSnubbed]

Ok - last weekend we went to our god friends wedding. DH was the best man and all went fine - but I had a lousy day. Why? All because I just couldn?t let what had happened with the hen night get out of my head. I know it is probably paranoia or over sensitivty so help me end this silliness and tel me straight - am I being ridiculous or would you feel the same way?
DH and MrX worked together about ten years ago and became good buddies - he was single but DH and I were going out. We used to spend a lot of time all asmates and I counted him as my friend too. He met a nice enough girl, never any quarrels and we were happy for him. About a year later we got married. I hardly knew her so didn?t invite her to my hen night as it was mainly work collegues, she would have known almost no one and I didn?t know her well either. It wasn?t even really an issue her being there or not and no one questioned it. However, we have grown closer (so I thought) over the passing years and have gone on holiday as a group, our children and good friends when we get together etc. etc.
DH organsied the stag do and they all went playing golf for a weekend, had a nice time. DH came back and told me that Mrs X was having her hen party the following weekend and they were all going out to London for the night. It was quite a big group apparently - she even asked all the female neighbours in her street! So why didn?t she ask me? Have I missed something? She was pleasant enough at the wedding and chatted as usual. Maybe we just aren?t that close after all despite all the holidays and intimate chats. I know that there hasn?t been any recent arguments and can think of no triggers - neither can DH. The only thing I can think of is that I didn?t invite her all those years ago - but that is such ancient history.
I feel so silly. I thought that we were four good friends and now it feels like it is only DH and MrX with his new wife merely tolerating me for the sake of her man. Why am I so upset over this? Why is it that I feel I have not only lost a good friend but also feel that my happy memories of someone I counted as a good friend is somehow tarnished a bit. I find it really hard to make friends as I am so very shy and have valued our time together. I know that I will not confront her and will just carry on feeling sad that i thought more of her than she did of me but it is a kick in the teeth.

sorry - typos - meant good friends not god friends - no religious connotations implied.

I'm not surprised you feel upset. As you spend holidays together, it sounds like you two are pretty close. And she'd know you'd know of her hen night plans through your dh talking to her fiance.

I wonder if she felt you'd be out on a limb if you came along? perhaps all the rest of the guests knew each other well? You say all her neighbours were invited. Perhaps it was a question of invite one, invite all of them. If so, perhaps she ran out of space so had to draw the line somewhere? had she booked transport, a table at a restaruant?

The other thing is perhaps she was worried about hen night revealations about her intended or herself. Some of her friends might have raked over some old history, or talked about future plans - things she didn't want you to hear. You would have been in an akward position as your husband is such a good friends of this man.

Sorry that this has happened to you, FS. When I got married I nearly committed a similar error, simply because of my own thoughtlessness and through having so much to do. A good friend of mine who I was at Uni with, had got married and had a baby just three months before my wedding. At the time we wrote the list for the invitations the baby was not born, so I just put her name and her husbands on the list. The baby was born just before the invites went out, but I forgot to add her name to the list and someone else wrote the invitation. I only discovered my mistake when I rang her for a chat and she talked about trying to get the baby to take milk from a bottle so she could come to the wedding ... she had assumed I didn't want the baby there!! I was mortified that I had made such an omission as it had become a big deal for her, and was just so glad I had spoken to her before the wedding, or who knows what may have happened......

Although the situation is not quite the same, I did wonder if something similar had happened in Mrs X's mind - she retained a historical view of your position in her life (much as I had done with my friend pre-baby), rather than re-evaluating the friendship in light of what has happened more recently. OR - was it for a similar reason that you did not invite her to your hen night - would you have known anyone else there except her? You mention that you are shy ... She may have been trying to spare your feelings rather than upset them.....

Also on the subject of being left out .... I was invited to a friend's hen night, but not to the wedding (and as far as I can gather the ONLY one at the hen night not invited), though she came to my wedding and we had been friends for years ... I did feel snubbed at the time but thought that maybe they were too tight on budget/space to invite me and felt they would have to ask my dh and dds too... it hurt for a while but I was able to get it in perspective after a bit.

I could go on ... neither of my bridesmaids asked me to be their bridesmaid, and none of my chosen godparents asked me to be godparent to their children ... it makes me wonder if I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.... but I am learning to be less sensitive about these things now.

In terms of what to do .... it may alleviate your feelings if when you next see her you ask her (conversationally) if she had a good time at her hen night, where they went, who was there etc. You may find that you would have known no one, she may even be glad you brought it up and mention why you weren't invited .... otherwise I would say just forget that this has happened and don't let it spoil your friendship. If she is the kind of person to deliberately snub people in this way, you will see it happen again in other circumstances - if not, you will know it was simply an oversight similar to mine!!

sorry this is such a long post!

Did she discuss anything else about the wedding with you e.g. her dress, venue, general plans? If not it would maybe suggest that you are not as close as you thought. If she did discuss these things with you, including ideas for hen nights, is it possible she could have assumed you were invited without actually inviting you IYSWIM?

don't know why this has happened but I would be upset too,so it's not just you.I have the same feelings as miaou sometimes..neither of my bridesmaids asked me to be their bridesmaids etc.I did consider them when thinking of godparents but then decided to keep it to family so then I would know that people chosen would know and love children, and hadn't just played the part for the day.
If I was you, I think I would say something, probably in a mock angry/jokey way " so what's this I hear about you going to london on a hen night ? and where was MY invitation?" might put her on the spot a bit but better than simmering.

FS, I feel for you. As Tigermoth and Miaou mentioned, if you had gone to the hen party, would you have known any of the other guests apart from the bride to be?

I'm just thinking how I would feel in the same situation - I'm a more confident person now but not so long ago I struggled with shyness and I probably would have recoiled in horror at the thought of going to a hen party!

And from personal experience, dwelling on the feelings of rejection only make you feel even sadder - maybe not put her on the spot, but as Miaou suggested, when you next see/speak to her, ask her in a conversational, friendly way how the hen party went, etc. and you might a clearer picture of why you didn't get an invite.

I don't blame you either for feeling upset We've all been snubbed at some time or other and it hurts
I like alexsmum's idea of saying in a jokey way 'where was my invite?' I definitely couldn't let it lie or else it would change the friendship forever (for me I mean)

FS, 6 years ago my oldest friend (known her since we were 3, went all through school together, etc) got married without even telling me, let alone inviting me - and all because I hadn't sent her an Xmas card the year before! She thought I was trying to snub her - when in fact I was just hugely disorganised that Xmas (which she would have known had she made a simple phone calll...) - and she apparently went through agonies about whether to invite me or not, until a mutual friend of ours 'helpfully' pointed out that if I couldn't be bothered to send her an Xmas card then I obviously wasn't a good enough friend to be invited to her wedding... I was terribly upset about it at the time.

And a uni friend went from asking me (and another friend) to be her bridesmaids, to not inviting either of us to the wedding at all, again all because of a ridiculous breakdown in communication.

But both these situations got sorted after talking about it. And with my oldest friend I even asked her read the lesson at my wedding (about love and loyalty!) just to jokingly rub it in The point I'm trying to make is that misunderstandings happen, especially around the often-fraught topic of weddings. Talk to your friend in a jokey way and I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out.

It does seem a little odd not to invite you if your dh was the best man. Maybe she thought you would not be able to get babysitters? It might be worth dropping her a line thanking them for the wedding day invite, and saying how lovely it was to see them. Then you could lightly drop in that you hear she had a lovely hen-night, and maybe she can tell you all about it when you see them next.

Hope you feel better about it soon.

Hi FeelingSnubbed, I've been wondering about this thread - how are you feeling now, did you decide to speak to Mrs X about the hen night?