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Original poster

Don't need my wage but dh reluctant to let me quit

14 replies

underanassumedname · 20/08/2004 22:36

I'm under an assumed name here rather than my regular name....

I am due to go back to work (after mat leave with no 2) at the end of October but really don't want to because:

Whilst I needed to return to work after my firstborn because I hadn't made the 'transition' from career girl to motherhood, now I have made that 'journey' and am really want to spend the maximum amount of time with my children.

....but also, I don't want to go back because my job is profoundly unsatisfying and boring as hell!

My problem is that although I don't need to work financially, my dh is reluctant for me to give up. He says we would have to cut back if I quit... (he earns over £100,000 per annum ffs!!! - what planet is he on????, we are so fortunate and never have to worry about money). How the hell do I get through to him.....I think maybe its a psychological thing and he doesn't like the idea of being the sole earner and all that responsibility. But in practice my contribution to household income is insignificant, so this 'dual income' thing is a red herring anyway.

How do I get through to him.....? I want him to be happily supportive of me giving up work, not begrudgingly accepting. Because if he is not truly on board with it I will pay the consequences (repeatedly brought up in arguments, simmering resentment from him etc)

Oh and I mention his earnings not to be 'flashy' or crass, but just to show you how ridiculous his position on this is

OP posts:

bran · 20/08/2004 22:44

Perhaps he's remembering back to when you had your first child, and he thinks you're still the career girl who will be bored if she stops work.

coppertop · 20/08/2004 22:46

If his decision is financially motivated then I would use the same tactic to put your point across. Presumably if you go back to work you will be paying extra for childcare, travel expenses to get to and from work, paying for work clothes, and possibly even paying for domestic help. Could you work out the figures and show him the costs involved?

MeanBean · 20/08/2004 22:48

How can you get through to him? You have to convince him that mothering is not a lazy skive, but a valuable activity that he should be grateful you want to do. You have to convince him that it is in the interests of his children, and therefore of the family as a whole, and therefore of him personally.

I think this goes right down to how much he values the welfare of his children; happy mothers make happy children, and if you are unhappy, your children will be unhappy. And if he loves you, your DH will be unhappy too. People who love their partners want them to be happy and can't be happy themselves unless they know their partners are.

Sounds simple. But some things in life are! Hope you manage to convince him.

Miaou · 20/08/2004 22:48

stalk!

Chandra · 20/08/2004 22:48

Uan, is there any possibility that you get another job more satisfying and possibly part time so you can combine both things? I'm a SAHM and I apreciate that the oportunity to go out to work, talk to other adults and have a bit of rest from the home routine it's very important for a healthy relationship with your children and husband.

I have noticed that the days I go to University I come back home and have a wonderful time playing with DS and more interesting conversations with DH than when I stay at home all day long, curiously we all have a nicer days when mum goes out of the house rutine if only for a few hours.

But if you insist in staying at home, I suggest you convince your DH to pay you as much as you would be paying for a nanny or for a nursery, then take your work as a mother as the one of a childminder, take some courses about child rearing and organise a program of activites for all the week, I think it can be very rewarding.

Miaou · 20/08/2004 22:49

Dammit, too late. Sorry for hijacking a serious thread.

Chandra · 20/08/2004 22:50

Mmmh... probably I should do that myself...

Chandra · 20/08/2004 22:51

Miaou???

coppertop · 20/08/2004 22:51

Caught you, Miaou!

Miaou · 20/08/2004 22:52

acnebride · 20/08/2004 22:56

I have a lot of sympathy UAAN but I think you are right that you need to get this straight with him. I actually do also have a sneaking sympathy for him because I do think it's a big responsibility being the only earner in a family. But I'm sure you do too.

How about starting from the point that you really dislike your current job and discuss all possible options from there? I think coppertop's post is particularly important.

phatcat · 20/08/2004 22:58

what about presenting it to him in terms of advantages to him e.g. stuff he won't have to think about or do anymore if you're at home to do them; is he worried about it becoming a permanent state of affairs and you never getting back into the job market at the same level - can you pitch it in terms of a five year plan - what you'll do when the time's up; how you'll keep your hand in skills wise etc., etc.; or agree to be off for a limited stretch at a time with reviews say every six months or so to see how each of you feels about it.

bran · 20/08/2004 23:01

Phatcat's 5 year plan sounds great. You could maybe study a bit too, so that if he lost his job and you needed to work you could find another job that wasn't as boring as your current one.

MeanBean · 20/08/2004 23:03

You could also discuss with him whether he might want to take a career break and look after the kids for a few months or couple of years in the future while you work in the cash economy. That way, it doesn't look as if you are loading all the financial burden of the household on to him.

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