OMG, how do i deal with a racist father (just found out). Long, sorry..

[caspercat]

OK, will try to keep this shortish.
My dad has always used inappropriate words/phrases, regarding people of other races (eg PKI shop as the only example i can bring myself to almost type). My brother & i generally give him a dissaproving look and tell him he shouldn't talk like that, and he apologises and moves on. As i've not lived at home for 20yrs, i don't come across it that often.
However, my brother just forwarded on a text to me that my dad sent him last night, about Big Brother of all things. In shortened form, my dad wrote "didn't realise i could hate people so much, especially that fin pai bitch and that f*in ni*er bitch" !!!
My dad doesn't know that i know all this. At the moment i feel sickened by him, embarrassed that he's my dad, and feel like i never want to talk to him again.
Don't know why i'm posting really, just feel like i need to vent.
Now i'm thinking all things about him. My best friend is gay and my DH is half Japanese, and i keep wondering what he calls them when i'm not around.
And it's my DD's christening in a month, i keep thinking poor baby, having him as a grandfather .
BTW my mum & dad divorced ~15yrs ago, and my mum I KNOW doesn't share these opinions, but i wonder how she could've stayed with someone with these views.
Am i being irrational and blowing things out of proportion, or would other people feel the same? Also, does anyone think i should confront him???
Warned you it was long, sorry xx

Your father watches Big Brother and sends texts about it?? How very odd? I would just ignore him except when he is around your family and friends, tell him that you don't put up with racism. Not much else you can do.

If he says anything directly to you, then pull him up on it and explain that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Your brother needs to deal with the text incident, as it was sent to him.

both my dad and my fil say things like that a lot as well, i think to people of an older generation they sometimes use those words to describe people like we'd say 'blonde' or 'red haired'.

it doesn't make it acceptable in any way but i'm not convinced it always goes hand in hand with out and out racism (The belief that one 'racial group' is inferior to another and the practices of the dominant group to maintain the inferior position of the dominated group. Often defined as a combination of power, prejudice and discrimination)

tbh, at this stage in his life i don't think there's much you can do to change him so you have to decide whether his good points as a grandfather outweigh the occasional highly unacceptable comment.

Understand why you're upset. Unfortunately, a lot of older people seem to hold these bigotted views, without ever having met or interacted with someone of a different race. I would have it out with him the next time it comes up and tell him that his attitude upsets you and that he needs to keep his racist ideas to himself while you and your family are around. If he cares anything about you he will moderate his behaviour while you are there. Alas, I feel some people will always be like this and this is probably the case with your Dad.

goodness. my parents are that racist (they werent too keen on my non-English ex), but they wouldnt be so upfront about it. Mean actions, rather than loud talk tends to be more their style.
Can see why you are upset, that text sounds really vicious. If its any comfort, I am also ashamed of my parents, but am pleased that I dont share their views, and neither do my children as far as I see. I think we just have to move on.

My father is very racist or colourist towards alot of people and he thinks it is funny.

I really dont and i am quite ashmamed of him when he goes of on one. (my ds wants to now know why soem people are black/white and have different skin - i am very positive about all races/colour/diversity)My mum is alot less so but its still there.

It got so bad that dad said that i could have fun with them but nothing more. I am 28 yrs.

I have started to date a mixed race/black guy and its going really well. Have had 12 dates and have completely fallen for him. Hook line and sinker. I almost didnt date him bcause of what my parents would say.

I got asked last time i saw them how black he is/ where he is from but the tone was bad.

I always talk positively about him but it will be hard.

Oh, so this is more common than I thought, in a funny way (not) it is a relief to see it is not only MY dad. Though, he is 80, and I have learnt to never discuss the Middle East with him, immigration, and other topics where people from other countries are concerned. I think it is purely from lack of exposure to different nationalities. My husband is from Eastern Europe. Took a while for that one to sink in, but luckily nothing more insulting than "strawberry picker", and some merryment over how many surnames end in -ski, and for a short while he nicknamed me Yesweloveski .... No advise really, other than telling him that such views will seriously upset parts of the family, and reflect very badly upon your dad and HIS family.

My dad displays some unfortunate attitudes of this nature as well. I always feel he is letting himself down and just parroting his own (horrible) father when he comes out with that crap, and I tell him so. He has travelled all over the world and lived in the Middle East for nearly 20 years, is actually very knowledgeable about other cultures, so it confuses and disappoints me to hear him spouting ignorant racist bullshit.

On the other hand he is a wonderful, creative, loving, exciting, inspirational grandfather (as he was a father, not that we saw much of him) so I walk a line between allowing the relationship he has with the children to flourish and protecting their ears and minds from the crap he talks (often when either drunk or angry, and not really "him" IMO).

He knows that he will find himself and his belongings outside my locked front door quicker than you can say "Zionist plot" if he ever breathes a syllable of that crap in front of my children. So far he hasn't.

I had to make it very clear to my father that his racist views and comments are not welcome in my house and when my dcs go to his house, if I hear that he's been using he same language he has used here in the past, they won't be able to go again.

It's no small wonder my older sister holds racist views considering what we heard when we were growing up. I saw the error of my parents views but she didn't. When I heard how she told her daughter not to talk to the only Asian girl at a party I nearly swung for her.