Hi all .
I was a bit unsure where to put this post, so please let me know if it is better suited somewhere else as I am new to this.
I was hoping to get someone else’s view on something that has happened to me recently because I’m feeling really sick, messed up and upset and I can’t put my finger on why.
I have a bad relationship history, jumping from one abusive relationship to the next. But after my last I decided I was staying single for a while and just trying to find my own happiness.
I have a close friend who I have confided in a lot about the things that have happened and I’ve never thought of him any more than a friend. It was recently my birthday so we had gone away to do some walking and relax. In the evening I had had quite a bit to drink and decided to go to bed, he followed and said he just wanted to watch a film. So we sat up for a while and he started trying to cuddle me and hold my hand, at first I thought it was strange but just thought he was drunk. I moved away eventually but he kept following until I was practically on the floor (something even he commented on). In the end I just wanted to get rid of the tension so I asked what he was doing and what he wanted. He told me he fancied me and wanted to have sex, I replied that I was very drunk so any decision I made would be due to alcohol and nothing else, which wasn’t the basis I wanted to have sex on. He started to touch me more and lift my top up, every time I tried to move his hand it went somewhere else I didn’t want it to go. He pulled me on top of him and kissed me which made me feel sick, eventually I pulled hard enough away he had to let go. The room was so dark and I was so drunk I lay for a minute to get my balance but then his hands where back on me going down my pants, I think at least seven or eight times I tried to move them but he was so insistent, even when I was saying please don’t do this he didn’t. He was all over me like an animal and he was too strong for me to keep off. I think alcohol, the fact it was half two in the morning and I knew he wasn’t going to stop made me stop fighting. He pulled my pants down and went down on me, I can’t remember much of what happened, I remember he was hold my hands down but he stopped after a while, then he put his fingers inside which really hurt and I can remember screaming at him to stop, which he did, but continued with the oral sex.
After I rolled over and wouldn’t let him touch me. He seems scared to after it.
I feel so confused by the whole thing. I feel upset, that someone I trusted and confided in wasn’t listening to what I wanted. And i feel shaken generally about the whole thing. I’m not entirely sure what’s happened. I guess I’m in shock but I don’t know why. He didn’t force me to have sex with him but I’m lost as to why I feel like I do. Every day I’ve woken up since and just felt drained and weak. I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I could really use an outsider perspective