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Original poster

Dilemma - wedding invite but I would need to leave 4mth old at home

66 replies

TheBlonde · 29/05/2007 18:44

I'm having a dilemma re a good friend's wedding.

I want to go but it's a no kids affair and it's on a Friday.
So DH would have to take the day off and stay home with the children.
The baby is breastfed so I'd have to pump enough for the day/evening (and convince her to take a bottle).

I just can't decide....

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/05/2007 20:09

Mala - I didn't bf but there's still no way I would have gone without ds. It's just not reasonable full stop, unless the mum is happy to leave the baby. And I certainly wasn't.

tegan · 29/05/2007 20:13

Don't go. I always say if the kids aren't invited don't invite us and dd1 is now 9 and has always gone to every occasion with us

cathcart · 29/05/2007 20:14

had to add this as i just remembered - once my bf finally agreed to dd coming she told me she'd asked the hotel for a high chair! what with dd being ooooh, about 11 weeks old and all!

beckybrastraps · 29/05/2007 20:15

Do check about the baby. We had no children at our wedding, but we did have babies. Well, a baby.

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 20:16

I would just politely decline the invitation. She doesnt know any better, so wouldnt make a point about it. It is her day.

Original poster
TheBlonde · 29/05/2007 20:17

GiantSquirrelSpotter - my DH is invited but my family are busy so he would need to look after the kids

OP posts:
Budababe · 29/05/2007 20:22

Can I just say I had a "child-free wedding"? None of my friends/family had babies bar one couple who had 18mth old twins and came from Scotland (to Ireland) and brought Grand-parents to mind littlies.

One set of DH's uni friends had a breastfed baby (plus 2 older children who they happily and gratefully left with grandparents overnight). I had no problem with a young baby. TBH breast fed OR formula fed. A baby needs it's Mummy and is not exactly going to wreck proceedings. Most Mums (and some Dads) are v. quick off the mark to runout of the room with a baby who is about to "kick-off".

Lizzer · 29/05/2007 20:29

Do what you feel is right theblonde, i think you could go for a bit and show your face. Imo I wouldn't feel happy about it, my bestf's wedding was when dd was 7 months old, I went to the ceremony and then left, then for 3 hrs in the evening. Lucky it was local though.That was a good compromise I think (though at 7 months you have slightly more time inbetween feeds cos they're on solids...)

Just as you're all on the 'no babies at weddings thing' I HAVE to tell you what this woman, who I know fairly well, said to me RE her wedding this summer....

And I quote......."Well its a good job my brother's not coming really....well they're expecting their first baby in a few weeks.....and I don't want a newborn screaming through the ceremony......and besides that you know what people are like when there's a baby there, they make a massive fuss over it and it gets all the attention and you know....That is NOT what the day is about"

I SWEAR on my life that is true!!!! The woman is a professional, 34 and ironically trying to have a baby herself!!

christie1 · 29/05/2007 20:29

My friend had a no kids wedding when my dd was 3 months old. I asked to bring the baby and she said no because it would take the attention away from her. You know what, it was here day, and although I would not have done it that way, she waited a long time for a wedding and she should have it herway. However, your priority is your baby and if you can't bring her, I wouldn't go and kindly decline. Once she has her own, she will understand, and you have a perfect excuse, no childcare. Seems unfair you dh has to give up a day of work.

Lizzer · 29/05/2007 20:32

I think you're a very tolerant lovely woman Christie! I would've been really offended, why can't people just share the love and get over themselves?!

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 29/05/2007 20:33

Ooh great, the Bridezilla stories have started! I love these...

Slubberdegullion · 29/05/2007 20:34

This is such an awkward situation. I went through exactly the same thing a few years ago with my cousins wedding.

The invite was no children. I had a 12 week old baby who was exclusively bf (refused bottles & ebm). The wedding was at the other end of the country an so my Dh decided to stay at home with my other child. I spoke to my Aunt and explained the situation and her answer was well they don't want children full stop, but have a chat with them and they might change their mind.

So I got on the phone to my cousin and said that I really wanted to come to the wedding, he and his fiancee were really important to me, weddings are for families blar di blar. I then went onto explain that I simply could not come and leave dd2 at home. Explained about bf (they really had no idea) and no bottles etc. I said I would sit at the back of the church and if there was even the merest hint of a cry I would leave the church. Ditto speeches at the reception. I even said I would go and bf privately so not to offend anyone (was very at saying that...but then my cousins family are very uptight about that sort of thing). And hey they said yes!

dd2 was perfect.She stayed in a sling all day as happy as larry. No crying. No exsposed norks.

If you really would like to go to your friend wedding it might be worth another chat...with reassurances.

Or you could just think 'bugger it'

tribpot · 29/05/2007 20:37

Brilliant - I love the "the baby will detract from ME ME ME" angle. Get a grip, love! Wouldn't it be hilarious to arrange a birthday party for your own little one and then tell said person, when in possession of a newborn, "I'd invite you but I don't want your baby to take attention away from MY CHILD WHO IS TURNING TWO" or similar. Hilarious!

Furrymummy · 29/05/2007 20:48

Don't tar us pre baby people with the same brush! I was disappointed when BIL came alone to my wedding sans wife and 4 month old baby, I would have been delighted for them to come. But it was a long drive for them and so they elected for BIL (DH's DB) to come alone.
Really sympathise with you, can understand why you might not want to go - looks like it would be a lot of hassle and discomfort for you! Would it be an option to just attend the ceremony? At least you'll only be away from your lo for a couple of hours at the most?

tribpot · 29/05/2007 20:57

Furry - I went to two weddings when ds was tiny (5 weeks in the first instance) of childfree friends who didn't hesitate to include him, definitely not tarring all childfreers with the same brush. Indeed I was childfree at my own wedding if (ahem) a little bit pregnant. I wanted all the kids to be there - for me personally that's what a wedding is about. Just as well as by that stage I had ten (or maybe nine, hmm, can't remember) nephews and nieces!

BellaBear · 30/05/2007 10:16

I loved having babies and children at my wedding - there was a lovely feeling of everyone important to me being there, from my eighty-six year old gradfather to my three month old nephew.
But then it wasn't a posh posh wedding. And my cousin's ten month year old gurgled all the way through the ceremony, which his parents apologised for but I thought was hilarious!

ProfYaffle · 30/05/2007 10:21

Not read the thread but ...

I'm going to a child free wedding on Saturday and have had the exact same dilemma. DD1 is staying with pil but dd2 is 13 weeks old and bf. We approached our friends and explained the situation (being childless they hadn't considered leaving such a small baby a problem) and they said they were happy for us to bring dd2. We won't be staying for the evening and I'll be poised to dash outside with dd2 if she cries.

Can't say it sounds like a great day out for us and I'm a bit stressed about keeping dd2 happy all day already but, hey, the groom is one of dh's best friends so we're making the effort.

ProfYaffle · 30/05/2007 10:26

OK - have read a bit further. dh and I decided that if dd2 hadn't been allowed we wouldn't have gone. imho if the bride and groom couldn't have made an exception for a tiny bf baby who didn't need catering or even a chair then they weren't the good friends we thought they were.

I'm very glad we didn't end up in that situation though.

madamez · 30/05/2007 10:30

Actually, I'm with the brides and grooms who want childfree weddings. Not everyone likes children. Particulary people who have had experience of kids being let run riot or shriek and howl all the way through adult occasions (come on, MN judgers, you must remember that not everyone is a Good Parent )And why should people be expected to upset their wedding arrangements (which are first and foremost for the benefit of the couple getting married, after all) for the sake of one friend. It';s not that dissimilar to asking your friends to change the date of their wedding because it clashes with your holiday.

kerala · 30/05/2007 10:34

Dont go your family come first. Agree with those that say when the bride has a baby she will cringe with shame.

Children were welcome at our wedding - its only toddlers with very indulgent parents that cause any disruption.

Looking back now I did not fully appreciate the effort made by our friends who travelled across the country with their babies under 6 months to attend. Do now though

PetronellaPinkPants · 30/05/2007 10:37

I would say go if you want to and your dh is happy to look after dcs

purpleduck · 30/05/2007 10:56

I had to make that decision when my ds was 5 months old and still bf (he was a very light eater -still is, so still relied on bmilk) anyways, as it was a special friend I decided to go. I expressed for ages, and he didn't take much of it while i was away. He was fine. I do remember that i started crying and shaking a few miles down the road, but in the end I was glad we went. By the way (looks over shoulder in case daddycool is around) the friends whose wedding i went to weren't really kid people at the time. Fast forward a few years, they have a LO and my have things changed...!!!
GO!!! (and yes, bring a pump!!!)

LieselVentouse · 30/05/2007 10:56

Im going to a wedding and my baby will be four months old by then and I'll be quite happy of a night away from he/she.

purpleduck · 30/05/2007 10:58

profyaffle, i bet you wont see your lall day, everyone will be clamouring to hold her!!

portonovo · 30/05/2007 11:17

I think people are perfectly entitled to have child-free weddings if that's what they want, though it wouldn't be my cup of tea. I think you either go for very small wedding with only a few guests, or if it's bigger you invite everyone, children and all. Usually makes for a better day!

Equally however, they then have to expect some of their guests to decline the invitation because they can't/don't want to leave their children. It works both ways and no-one should take offence.

Back to the original decision, I personally wouldn't go, it wouldn't be worth the hassle to me or the baby. Or at most, I would compromise and just go to the ceremony, see my friend married then go home to my family.