I'm a pushy friend and so pushing friends away

[accepting]

Hi, i'm not sure where to post this, but im looking for some genuine advice!

I'm the sort of friend who is brutally honest...i believe that "to be a good friend one has to be an honest friend"...so whenever a friend comes for advice i slap then with the "truth"

I then hammer them with advice that they need to implement then i get furious if they dont follow it and come back to complain!

And i have to admit i hate that about myself...and i can literally see flashbacks of friends with looks of shock on horror on their faces as i tell them like it is!

As a result of this i have been accumulating a massive amount of guilt and its making me want to stay away from people so i don't hurt them anymore.

I have tried to apologise to those people...i really think they want to take a step back from our friendship too.

I really want to change...but im not sure how to...especially when said friends come back to complain about the same thing over and over again...and have no intention of changing themselves.

I just want people to stop complaining for the sake of venting but rather to explore solutions.

I cant change people though! So i just want to change myself for now.

Thank you!

Person-centred counselling theory (e.g. books by Carl Rogers) could help with this. Learning to listen to people where they are at, how people need to vent and process stuff, and accept where they are rather than trying to fix them. For more practical applications you could even try attending some counselling yourself to see it in practice or go on a basic listening skills course, e.g www.cpcab.co.uk/qualifications/elsk-l2

It's really good you are thinking about this. There are so many people who never get to this point!

I think you only need to change one thing which is when you give the advice to friends then say it in a more gentle way and then don't expect anything from them.
I seemed to be an agony aunt for many, it got to the point it was hurting my own mental health. Just hearing people complain all the time and then eg if it is their husband who is the problem then just opening their arms out wire despite being trampled on all the time. Not even lightweight stuff.

I realised after I can't call everyone a friend. I obviously wasn't a friend to them but just someone to vent to. They didn't need my opinion. I'd take a step back as we had nothing much else that glued us together.

Maybe just listen or even better, change the subject if you want to save the friendship if it is worth it.

Thanks penny i will def give that a try. Without doubt i need to work super hard on my listening skills...some people do need to just be listened to!

babba yeh there is just one friend who im tired of listening to...im sick of the same old constant moaning, its been like this for years on end. I absolutely can relate to the feeling of not getting anything else out of the relationship. Its reached a point where i feel like i am wasting my precious time and energy on someone who cant/wont do much to solve their own problems.

However with other friends i do truly need to learn to listen better to them and perhaps like you mentioned "not expect them to act on the advice"

The thing is i really cant stand people who moan and i know its wrong but i just dont understand why people would share their problems with others if its not to look for solutions to them. I really infuriates me when i realise that they are moaning just to to vent...especially as they do so soooo very often!

I have my share load of problems too and those "friends" are usually the least interested.

I tried changing topics...that doesn't work as they will keep bringing it up! HELP!

I dont want to be a pushy friend anymore but i dont want to be put up with this anymore.

But they do just want to vent - they are not wanting you to fix things for them or tell them what to do. They are not after advice - can you tell yourself that you will listen and not respond? Or say that you feel you've talked that subject to death and then change the direction of the conversation another way, rather than saying 'you should ...'?

I know someone who does this - it is irritating tbh! You can be talking about something you are an expert in but they still have to tell you what they think would be the best way to do it.