I think that I have a problem (long post alert)

[joanneg]

Since having ds two years ago I have not been able to stop spending. I think that it is turning into a big problem now. I have been posting on here for around 1 year now and have considered mentioning this so many times but find it embarrasing and humiliating that I could be so so stupid and compulsive.

I am a SAHM and this has meant losing my wage. We can just about live on dh wage and have a little spare each month. The problem is I keep running up uncontrollable debts.

I just cant stop spending. Thinking back i have been like this for quite a few years. But only now it is starting to worry me because we have run up over 7 thousand pounds of debt.
If I stop spending now - cut up my credit cards and budget well I know that we will be able to pay this debt off gradually and get by. But it has reached the point now that if I carry on spending I am scared that I will backrupt us. We only brought our house 1 year ago so have little equity as such.
Why cant I stop spending? Every month I think "right this month I am going to be sensible", but then that goes down the pan. If there is no money in our bank account I will go on the internet and shop with my credit card. Even though we are really hard up I still impulse shop all of the time. I could kick myself.
How the hell do I stop this cycle? I am so down about this I am feeling sick all the time.

I think you probably need to tackle it in several ways. I would imagine - and obviously this is just me, I'm not a professional in this or ANYTHING - that it's rather like any other sort of bingeing. What does spending 'give' you that other things don't? If it's linked to becoming a SAHM, are there things about not earning your own wage that you resent? Do you in some ways want to push your life to the brink, financially or in some other way?

Just ideas. And you'd have to explore them with a professional. But it does sound urgent, and something you need to tackle. HTH as far as it goes!

I think shopping sounds like a replacement for other things in your life - like, possibly, your pre-kids freedom and independence. How does spending make you feel when you splash out? What mood makes you spend more? Could you keep a diary in which you write down not just what you buy but how you felt when you bought it. Possibly counselling would help you too, as this is clearly coming close to addictive behaviour and it is certainly damaging your family. On a purely practical note, I would suggest you do something right NOW, which is to get all your credit cards and physically destroy them - cut them into bits and throw them away. If your debt repayments are getting out of hand there is a brilliant mumsnet thread that I'm sure someone will link to with ideas on climbing out of the debt trap. Get onto 0% interest for everything you can for a start (and remember to cut up those cards immediately too). If you really want a treat, have a cappuccino in a nice cafe or buy yourself a nice bath gel or something. And if it is being a SAHM that is making you feel deprived and frustrated, then maybe even rethink that. I suspect your spending habits are a symptom of a deeper unhappiness. I spend too much too, so I do know how you feel and I sympathise.

joanneg I can hopefully offer you a bit of reassurance. My dp and I got our first cc @ 2 years ago and promptly ran up 6 grand on it which was terrifying. We had just bought our first house and didn't have a huge income as had other debts as well. I just had to be really disciplined.

I got a loan to cover the debt and took it out over 2 years - huge monthly payments but less to pay overall and we will be clear next May. I just stopped spending - cut them up so I couldn't have them or made sure I only spent what I could afford to pay at the end of the month. It sounds silly but I now get my 'fix' by shopping at charity shops - they are now my retail therapy fix and I don't feel bad as its all cheap!!

I have however put a few xmas pressies on a new cc which is interest free til next August but my dp is due a huge backdated pay review so I know I will be able to pay most of it off with that and with the extra income.

You just have to be disciplined - its not easy and its not simple - but if you don't have them you can't use them. And if you can't afford to clear them every month then don't have them! Its tough but you have to do it or else you will end up in difficulties and I know how stressed money worries make you. Take care.

Again, completely not a professional, so take what I say with a pinch of salt. Agree with MI that you need to look at why you spend. Is there a particular gap in your life that you are trying to fill? Is purchasing a way of feeling better about appearance or other insecurities? I think you may find it useful to keep a diary of your purchases, way you felt before the purchases, way you felt after the purchases, and the thoughts that were triggering you to make the purchase, and to think of appropriate alternative activities to make you feel better instead of reaching for the credit card. Diarising is, I think, a common technique in changing bad habits - as this is what it is in essence - that you need to become aware of the habit, and the triggers for the habit, and the faulty thought processes leading up to the habit, to be able to challenge it. At the moment you are aware of the habit - you think this month you are going to be sensible, but somewhere along the line your thought processes are overriding this - maybe you think - if I buy this dress/DS that toy i will be happy/he will enjoy it, and this thought - I will look really fantastic/feel happier overrides your caution. I think you may benefit from some form of behaviour therapy or cognitive therapy. I will have a think as to any self-help books or web sites that you may find useful.

Check out the Get out of Debt centre at The Motley Fool . They also have a Dealing with Debt discussion board , where you can post specific questions and get advice from lots of people who've been through it themselves.

hth

I know this may seem like an odd suggestion but id go and see my GP? they can arrange counselling and even if this problem isnt affecting you now it may lead to depression as a result of a deeper issue? just what id do? i've just finished a counselling programme (having been in counselling as part of it) it was really rewarding and helped me understand why i do things.

Thanks for your replies. I have printed them off and am going to have a read today.