Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Other subjects

Flip

Original poster

how do you cope with guilt of working-being away from child

14 replies

chocolatemummy · 21/05/2007 23:19

I love my job and I went back to work (part time) a few months after having my daughter (who is now 3.5yrs)
I now work full time though and it feels like it is now that she really wants and needs me, its now that she gets upset when I leave her when she didnt before and its now that she actually says" I want to come with you mummy" or " dont go to work mummy"

I feel awful

OP posts:

fransmom · 21/05/2007 23:23

i get this sometimes when dd feeling bit off colour (she is 2). the only way i can sometimes get through times when we both feel like this is to give her hugs and then make sure you hold to any promises you make. even though dd is 2, i would hope thta she realises i mean what i say ((((((((((((((cm and cm's dd)))))))))))

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 21/05/2007 23:29

Chocolatemummy, it's awful isn't it?
I hate not being able to collect mini-Moist from school (& everyday she asks whether I'll be collecting her, knowing I'll say no), but the only way I cope is by reminding myself that we wouldn't be able to do the things that we do when I'm not at work, or live in our nice house, or have nice things blah blah... if I didn't work. I try to explain this to DD on a regular basis in the hope that she'll understand soon

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 21/05/2007 23:29

Thankyou, we are having problems at the minute after moving house five months ago and starting work full time I think she is feeling pretty lost,
have a real hard time in the mornings with her somedays, wont get dressed, won't get in the car and then won't get out the bloody car. I get to work often late and feeling terribly guitly

OP posts:

fransmom · 21/05/2007 23:41

i remind myself that my part of the income puts food on the table. that's relaly important to me - to be able to feed my family well on the money we/i get.

UCM · 21/05/2007 23:42

The 'wont get dressed' bit is the worst for me. I am on Mat leave but DS has to go to his CM twice a week to keep his place. She does mega stuff with him like Surestart and library on both days so he has a good time.

But, he wants to stay with me & his little sister.... which is very sweet. I have no idea what it's going to be like when I go back to work in August. I think it's going to be hell.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 21/05/2007 23:43

CM, she wil get used to it though. Children are very good at just adapting to whatever's normal in their world. As long she knows that you love & value her, & have fun together, she won't resent you. And if your making sure of those things (which you must be because you so obviously care), you have no reason to feel guilty.

{{{hugs}}}

Never felt moved to do the cyber hug thing before, but I so empathise with how you're feeling.

fransmom · 21/05/2007 23:45

it may be easier than you think ucm, he seems to like adventures, maybe you might be able to get round things by making it seem like an adventure that he can tell his little sister about and explain things to her. (why did i think he was at school? mite ne getting lat fot me )

nite ladies ((((((((((((((for everyone in this situatiopn)))))))))))) xxxxxxxxx fm

UCM · 21/05/2007 23:57

I am sure that power rangers (I am the pink one apparently) will help

CristinaTheAstonishing · 22/05/2007 00:17

I don't feel guilty but I do miss them both. Everytime I get home from work I'm struck by just how beautiful and active they are.

Tatat · 22/05/2007 10:45

I tell ds that he is going to nursery to see his friends and I am going to work to see mine. A whopping lie as I hate the place but don't want him to know that!
He seems better about this, knowing that I am happy to go to work.

As for the guilt, I felt awful and it made my life miserable until through circumstances at the time I spent 8 days in a row with just me and ds, no nursery no work no dh etc etc
Realised that whilst I still believe me spending more time with ds is absolutely the best thing for him, it's not the best thing for me and I need to strike a balance (basically I was completely exhausted and although I loved being with him so much I really believe it would impact severelty on my mental health if I did it full time)
Take a bit of comfort knowing that you've made the choice you have for absolutely the best reasons, i.e. it's what works best for your family. It won't be always perfect, like now, but overall it's the right thing. If it stops feeling like its mostly the right thing to do, you need to take steps to make changes!
Sorry for random thoughts, flying off to a meetin and standing and typing
Good luck
x

Lasvegas · 22/05/2007 12:16

My dd is 4.5 and I have worked full time since she was 6 months but I still get this but much more occasionally now. It is hard but I have always explained that if parents don't work then there will be no treats, outings and toys. It is odd but she never says to DH don't go to work. Now she is a school I foresee potential problems as most other mums don't work do so pick ups/drop off. I will no doubt get X mum doesn't work and he still has a bike toys etc. No idea how I will explain that some people are just richer than us.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 22/05/2007 22:19

Aww, Lasvegas, it's just one of those things in life: some people have more money than others. Hard to put forward at the same time as "you have to work for getting anywhere".

When I was working F/T I imagined that if I did P/T or SAHMed I'd have this busy social life with other school-gate mums. Then I worked PT and was on maternity leave. Nothing of the sort happened. People don't just suddenly become intersting because you see more of them...Or is it me?

wheresmysuntan · 23/05/2007 10:13

I wonder - are there any threads like this (is there anything called 'dadsnet' )which are full of fathers agonising over having to leave their kids whilst they work? Largely seems to be a guilt-free thing for them doesn't it.

gingerone · 23/05/2007 10:29

oh choc, don't feel bad. I am sure you are a great mum.

I agree with some of the posts on here, keep your promises (I will pick you up after tea, we will have ice cream for tea) and also make sure you have fun on your days with her.

DS and DD have both been through this phase, they now fully understand that mummy enjoys working and it gives us the money to go on holiday etcetera.

DS would also not get dressed, not get in the car etc. I started getting up earlier (WHICH I HATE) so he has more time in the morning and this has helped. We have races to get dressed which he always wins. And I have his favourite toys in the car to get him in. To get him out, I am still working on....

Your DD will be fine, you just need to carry on as you are and she will come out of this.
Dont overwhelm yourself with guilt, you are doing great!

Flip