are ok friends worth the stress?

[JiminyCricket]

A few of us have met up most weeks since having our children 3 and a half years ago. Used to feel like we all had a good friendship, but recently I feel a bit alienated - I don't know, maybe less in common lifestyle wise. I've got two now, which means I'm always rushing to keep up with a packed buggy and two pairs of shoes to get on, two to placate (that kind of thing) while they are more freed up with just the older kids. The time of the meets is all wrong for dd2 who refuses to sleep in her buggy any more and so we all get tired and grumpy. Two of them meet up a lot outside of the regular meeting, I used to a bit too, or just with one of them, and got the strong impression that I was seen as a threat to that friendship by one of them..I thought fair enough and backed off, but now I feel less close to everyone. The fourth person is lovely and we do some shared activity drop-offs etc and she is kind. I had a break for a while and then went back to it, but its pretty much the same. When we have nights out it seems a bit flat. I want my dd to keep seeing her friends - other friends have kids but all a wee bit younger. I have in the past been not great at friendships with women, but I have got some good female friends now. Don't know how to make it better.

Can you see the fourth person seperately?

I dropped out of a couple of baby/toddler groups because the people (while perfectly nice) did not really click with me.

Concentrate on the really good friends you have and on the people who you think you have more in common with than just children the same age.

I kind of feel like dropping to less frequent contact, but not sure if I'll regret it long term. The group will be kind of split soon anyway, because some start school this year and some next (august/sept birthdays). I feel sad about it tbh, but end up getting frustrated with feeling so alienated.

That's life I'm afraid, some friendships do dwindle. Especialy ones where the only thing bringing you together initially were having children of the same age.

I would let things take their natural course. Try to see friend no.4 now and then just the two of you perhaps?
As for your daughter seeing her 'friends', like you say some or all of the group will be starting school soon and everyone will move on in some ways.
I found with mine that from about the age of 3-5, children really started to make their own friends which were chosen by them and not just the children of their mums' friends.

If you don't want to make a clean break, perhaps meet once a fortnight and see how it goes - you may well find you drift away anyway. It sounds like you have other friends now so don't feel guilty about moving on, it happens. I am still good friends with 2 people I knew from my children's toddler stage, but the rest I'm now just on nodding terms or the occasional chat in town. But that's fine.

Life's too short to spend with people you don't enjoy

see the ones you like 'on your terms'

don't be forced into regular meet-ups that don't fit your lifestyle

you will meet a whole new bunch of friends when your child starts school anyway .. and friendships take quite a lot of investment to build up

if you feel uncomfortable then follow your instincts

well that's what I'd do anyway

I've got to go .. oh god I'm so late .. why am I still here?

These people (apart from woman4) are pissing you orf, I wouldn't apply the word 'friendship' to these people, tbh, I'd use 'acquaintances.'

It's better to have a few close friends than be a member of a tribe, imoo.

Life and people drift along, you and your dd will make new friends.

I agree with Twiglett. I was in a similar situation myself when DS1 was around 4, but it was some of the children being cliquey and excluding him that gave me the resolve to get out, and to admit to myself that I didn't much like making tea for people who lounged around my sitting room like beached whales while ignoring their children who were hell-bent on destroying my house. (There were some strange situations going on with the mums as well which I only found out years later from the one I kept in touch with - I'm glad I was out of it.)

thanks - makes a lot of sense...likely to keep up at least some intermittent contact through the summer and then it will prob drop off gradually anyway after school starts. Sounds like its not just me anyhow.

Twiglett would you consider being my life coach please?

you really wouldn't want me to be though .. far too disorganised, flying by the seat of my pants, giving advice that I think 'bloody hell that sounds great why don't you follow it' type of person and my house is a feckin' tip (but the garden is tidy)

I think you should at least write a self help book - you don't have to admit to being disorganised. Some of your posts i read several times and think 'wow, that's what i should be doing!' I'm very disorganised. Everything is always left to the last minute, hate housework, love sitting very still.

i 2nd the 'you'll see alot more mums when they start school'

personally, i can never find enough energy for too much of this thing, i have def moved away from friends i first knew, when dd was born, the toddler group, etc..

It happens, and you sort of fall in with those you click with as time goes by.

It's always more satisfying to give of yourself to those you respect and want to spend time with.

we regularly have this chat with close friends of ours.. and life is too busy to be worrying about 'extra' friends... my life is busy and hectic enough as it is... so we're quite brutal and agree there are times when you have to 'cut the chaff from the wheat!' brutal i know... but you have to survive!!!

I've got a slightly diff situation that, having read this trhread, i just want to get off my chest! Basically, I'm first out of a group of a bout 6 or 7 girls that have all stayed in touch as close friends from highscool, we all live local, see each other all time etc, then, when i had dd, texted everyobne next day with good news, gt texts back, and as far as at least 3 of them go, that was it!! I've never been sort of person that expects to be centre of anyone's life but have been friends so close fr so many years, most haven't even caled round to see dd six months since she was born!! I was really fucked off (sorry!) that they couldn't even be arsed to drive about 6 miles to see me when i came out of hospital. I know one is having a birthday soon and hasn't even texted me to ask if i want to go out! Consequently, i can't be bothered to keep in touch with most if them but i was really disheartened by their lack of interest or being pleased for me: dh thinks they're jealous!!

Sorry, first out of group to have babies!

walbert .. it happens .. before you have children you simply cannot imagine how life-changing it can be .. you lose friends through having children but you gain more

don't sweat it .. they'll get their come-uppance sooner or later

I have given up on my Post Natal Ladies. There was four of us. I was the only one who worked p/t. They see eachother all the time. Never phone me. I felt alienated. Then I let it go. Then I tried again. Then I invited them to ds's birthday party. Maybe they think I just did it to make up the numbers. But I did it as a real effort, to see if things had improved.
I was driving to work this morning, thinking this very thing. Why am I trying to force this ? I wanted ds to be friends with the other three for life. But you can't make it happen, can you ?
Why do you think that you, can't let go ?