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Original poster

Should I stop DS1 staying with my mum?

22 replies

Pinkchampagne · 16/05/2007 19:31

She normally picks him up from school & keeps him overnight on a Tuesday night, but DS2 never gets to stay himself.
DS1 used to stay a lot, and I had put a stop to it, saying she had to let DS2 also have his turn as it wasn't fair. She stopped having either of them for a while, but kind of got round it by saying that she would only take DS1 on a Tuesday because this is the day that she has DS2 in the day while I am at work, and that it was only fair.

Thing is, she does really favour DS1, and I know that she doesn't want DS2 for any longer than she has to because he is harder work.

We have recently moved into a new house, which is a massive change for them because their dad hasn't moved with us, and they have just started sharing a bedroom.
DS2 is constantly asking for DS1 when mum keeps him overnight, especially when it is bedtime. He really misses him & seems really lost.

I don't know what to do because I don't want to upset DS1, but I also think it is unfair on DS2, especially atm as he is trying to settle into his new lifestyle.
Would you put a stop to the sleepovers, or do you think it is fair because of DS2 spending a little time with my mother on a Tuesday?
I think I am more concerned about it right now because of everything else that's gone on recently.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 16/05/2007 21:32

Just a personal opinion, but I would insist she has both or neither, and cite the massive changes as your reason.

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 16/05/2007 21:47

both or neither here too

DevilsAdvocado · 16/05/2007 21:51

I would stop it

Tell her they need to be settled in their new home before they start staying over again And then when he starts, ds2 can stay too

dinosaur · 16/05/2007 21:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

yomellamoHelly · 16/05/2007 22:26

With everyone else. Give yourselves time to settle into your new lives.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 16/05/2007 23:42

Thanks. I'm glad you don't all think I am being over sensitive here! I really feel it is a bit unfair, and I really feel for DS2, even though I know he sees my mum for a while on a Tuesday (as DS1 did pre school), but I just feel that they both need to settle into their new lifestyles, and I feel really sad for DS2.

I am a probably a little more sensitive to all this than ususal atm, but I could have cried for DS2 last night, and I feel these overnight stays for just DS1 should stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 16/05/2007 23:57

I will put a stop to it from next week (too late for this week), now I feel a little more confident that I'm not being OTT!

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 17/05/2007 09:06

Is your Mum ok with it? How did she react?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 18/05/2007 07:51

Haven't spoken to my mum yet, but I am going to tell her that I don't want him staying overnight for the time being. Apart from everything else, he is missing out on time with his dad too, which I feel is important right now. On Tuesday DS2 went out with his dad on his own, because DS1 was with my mother, which I didn't feel was right.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 18/05/2007 14:33

Well, replies on MN seem to have clarified your mind on the subject.

Blu · 18/05/2007 14:39

Sorry, missed this the other day.

I agree with the majority view, for all the reasons stated, but also because I think it is important that your Mother does see that everything does not always revolve around her decisions. Tell her that in the light of their needing to be together etc, it's either both or neither. And also, TELL her that DS2 feels rejected because of it. Actually, maybe concentrate on that aspect - if you concentrate on 'because of the changes..' be prepared for her to say 'which are all your fault' as her irrelevant, untrue red herring of a response!

Blu · 18/05/2007 14:40

Yeah, just say neither can go because DS2 feels rejected. And that you thnk it is unfair to send one and not the other.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 18/05/2007 15:36

I was planning to use the fact DS2 is getting distressed at bedtime as the reason I don't think it's a good idea for her to keep DS1 overnight.
I don't mind him going round to visit her for a couple of hours after school on the Tuesday, but I don't see why she needs to keep him overnight, and poor DS2 is constantly asking when his brother is coming home, which isn't fair on him.

OP posts:

wheresmysuntan · 18/05/2007 17:30

Not disagreeing with the advice given but just wondered how your ds1 will view a decision to stop his visits to granny? Bearing in mind how children home in on the slightest unfairness (in their opinion), is he likely to think you are favouring his younger brother's needs over his?

dinosaur · 18/05/2007 17:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 18/05/2007 21:47

Oh I wouldn't stop DS visiting my mum, not at all, but was thinking that he could maybe go round on Tuesday after school for a few hours as usual, but am going to ask if mum can return him before bedtime.
I don't want to cause any added upset to either of the boys atm.

OP posts:

wheresmysuntan · 19/05/2007 15:01

Sorry - I worded that last post badly. What I meant was the overnight element. I only raised DS1's viewpoint as worthy of consideration but I think what you are planning is perfectly reasonable.Hope it all works out.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 19/05/2007 19:26

I don't want to upset DS1, and this is why I feel it would be good if he can spend a couple of hours round my parents house on a Tuesday, which is the day she has DS2 while I'm at work. I just feel he should be returned before bedtime as DS2 misses him terribly, and seen as they have just started sharing a bedroom, DS2 gets sad going into his bunk bed knowing that his older brother isn't around. (We only moved 2 weeks ago) I feel that for now they need to just get settled into their new house & lifestyle.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 21/05/2007 17:44

I have told mum that I don't think it is a good idea for DS1 to stay at her house for the moment because DS2 is getting upset at bedtimes & asking for his brother.
I did tell her that I was happy for her to pick him up from school & keep him for tea, but that I wanted him returned well before bedtime.

She didn't say much in response, just that she couldn't have him this Tuesday anyway.

I think this is the best plan for now. I don't want to upset DS1, which is why I suggested he still goes round for a few hours, but it is fairer on DS2 that he returns before bedtime.

OP posts:

FloatingOnTheMed · 22/05/2007 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pennies · 22/05/2007 20:07

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but please don't tolerate your mother's bais towards DS1. I say this because my grandma always preferred my oldr bro to me and it was really obvious and really horrible for me.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 23/05/2007 14:51

I hate the fact that my mum seems to favour DS1 over DS2, and this is why I put a stop to DS1 having sleepovers before. I told her that DS2 had got to an age where he was noticing that DS1 was getting to stay over & not him, and that DS1 could only stay over if DS2 stayed over also.
She stopped having DS1 overnight for a while, but eventually got round it by saying she was taking him after school on a Tuesday because she has DS2 while I am at work & that it was only fair.
Now we have moved & the boys share a room, I feel it needs to be stopped, as DS2 is asking for his brother all night & hates going to his bunk bed knowing DS1 isn't home.
Yesterday she took DS1 after school, but returned him at 5pm, which was much better.
She did go & say to him "You can come for tea, but you can't stay tonight because mummy doesn't want you to", which really got my back up though.

She always favoured my younger sister when we were children, so I am pretty sensitive over all this.

OP posts:

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