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Original poster

My partner and father of my child doesn’t want to get married! Ever!

19 replies

Lou95 · 08/05/2018 09:19

So my beautiful son was born this year in March. My partner and I had been together a matter of months before I feel pregnant but we stayed together and worked it out. He’s a good dad and he works hard to bring in the dosh.
However the other day we got talking and I said ‘when we get married’ Helios response was... ‘I am never getting married’
I was shocked and left the conversation as it was for the night and brought it up again a few days later. He is of the opinion that marriage is just a piece of paper, he’s against the idea completely. Where as I want to get married, in church in front of friends and family and celebrate my love for my partner and my own new family. I’d said to him I want to get married and his reply was ‘well it won’t be to me’

What do I do now! I think marriage is an important step in my life and something I’ve thought about as a child! But is it worth breaking my family over? If I were to leave my partner because he doesn’t want to get married.

What’s other people’s opinions on marriage? Am I right to not feel as safe now I know he doesn’t want to marry me?

Do I stick around in the hopes he might change his mind, or that I may change my own. Both of which is very unlikely or do I cut and run?

OP posts:

OhHolyJesus · 08/05/2018 09:24

I really wanted to be married before starting a family and as time marched on without a proposal I contemplated life as a family without being married and it made me really sad to think I wouldn't have that commitment made to me. Not everyone feels this way, it depends how important it is to you.

You haven't been together long enough to know really if you honk you can stay with him, without being married and you have a very young son so don't make any decisions yet, but consider how you might feel if you split up without the safety net of marriage and if that makes you worry what else can you put in place to give yourself some security if you stay together.

Your partner may have very good reasons, my DH certainly did and we worked it out through counselling, there are plenty of people who are happy without it but I really needed it and would have walked without it.

TeenTimesTwo · 08/05/2018 09:27

Don't give up work (or go part time) to be a SAHM if you're not married.

TSSDNCOP · 08/05/2018 09:34

I honestly think that the things in your life that you feel to be important are the sort of thing you discuss before you make a lifelong commitment of having children.

Having not had that conversation though you do now need to make sure that you are future-proofed by insuring that your financial and living arrangements are not compromised.

SemperIdem · 08/05/2018 09:36

I think people who claim marriage is “just a piece of paper” are a bit stupid. It really, really isn’t.

I have no advice op, but I wouldn’t be happy either.

Original poster

Lou95 · 08/05/2018 12:26

I too would have loved to be married before starting a family. It is very important to me to be married and I’d love to marry the father of my child. We are both still young, I’m 23 and he’s 24. Our son is 9weeks old and we’ve only been together for a year. We are still getting to know each other whilst caring for our child.

One side of me is of the opinion that we have plenty of time, we are young and as time goes on and we develop our life together he may change his mind. And the other side of my thinks I should cut my losses now and it breaks my heart so that’s not what I want at all.

I’ve decided to just give it some time. I’m in no rush to be married but it is definitely something I want.
It will be a subject to discuss later in life

OP posts:

specialsubject · 08/05/2018 12:37

check just how screwed you will be if he dies, gets ill or leaves. that means regarding finances and a place to live. there is no such thing as common law in the uk.

you have a dependent now, both of you need to grow up. forget the frilly frock and look at the reality. 20 mins in the register office, done. if he doesnt want you to be secure then what does that tell you?

and be sure no more kids.

Curtainshopping · 08/05/2018 12:42

Sounds like the pregnancy was unplanned? Did you discuss marriage when you were discussing whether to go ahead with the pregnancy? Would you have made a different decision if he’d said then?

foxedupfox · 08/05/2018 12:46

You are in pretty much the same situation as I am/was. Fell pregnant in a matter of months, still young and got to know each other etc. He was dead against marriage which would drive me nuts!! Fast forward 5 years we've bought a house an have had another baby, fully committed in that sense.

I'm slowly wearing him down from nope never to a maybe. Dont right it off yet although I feel your pain because To me marriage is somthing I really want!!

CoffeeOrSleep · 08/05/2018 13:04

Well I'd point out to him that yes, a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, like a will is just a piece of paper, or an employment contract is just a piece of paper, or house deeds are just a big pile of paper...

It's a legally binding contract to each other - as well as a personal and public commitment, possibly also religious.

If he's not prepared to have that particular piece of paper, is he prepared to sort out others - like a will leaving everything to you? Life insurance naming you?

Definately don't give up work, and in this case, I'd definately look at him taking half your maternity leave and you going back to work full time earlier. You need him to see your DC as an equal responsibility.

Every man I have met who "didn't believe in marriage" - when their partner wanted to be married - actually deep down did believe in marriage, they believed it would make it harder for them to just walk away, and always intended to walk away if a better offer came along. Some never got that better offer, but all were never fully committed to their relationship.

ellie232 · 08/05/2018 13:07

Why didn’t you ask him before you had a baby?

thecapitalsunited · 08/05/2018 13:09

If getting married is just a piece of paper, what’s the problem in getting one?

chocolatesun · 08/05/2018 13:10

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It’s a legal arrangement which creates joint property rights. If you don’t marry and he earns more than you (eg because you do more childcare) you could be financially screwed. There is no such thing as ‘common law marriage’ so if you do not marry and later separate, you will not be entitled to receive the financial support that may be available after divorce.

FilledSoda · 08/05/2018 13:12

He won't marry you now , why would he?
If you don't leave him don't have anymore children with him.
You're young , just leave him

Namechange128 · 08/05/2018 13:21

Everything @chocolatesun said. You don't need a big party, but if he cares, why wouldn't he give you the legal protection of marriage if something happens to him, or you split? (Unless of course you are the higher earner with a ton of property wealth, in which case hold off!). It's a small amount of money and a short triotj the registry office.

TheCraicDealer · 08/05/2018 13:23

He’s 24 and I’d imagine that his life has taken a dramatic turn in the last year. I think he’s very wrong on the “just a bit of paper” aspect but his position isn’t unusual for someone of that age group, especially when you’ve only been together a short time. Fair dos that he’s not lying to you to avoid the awkward conversation, but the fact he won’t even countenance or discuss it (“well it won’t be to me”) despite knowing how you feel isn’t great. Honestly it reads like he’s intending to stay whilst things are easy and straightforward, but he likes having the option to get up and go as soon as he feels it’s not what he wants any more.

If I were you I wouldn’t be giving up my job or going PT, even if it “doesn’t make sense financially”, and I certainly wouldn’t be having another child with him or planning my life around his being a part of it. He’s made it clear he’s looking after no.1 and I think you need to be aware of that and do the same.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2018 13:31

Chocolatesun is quite right but so long as you know the situation you can do a lot to protect yourself. Make sure that any house you buy together is in joint names,as tenants in common. Set up your own pension, as you won't benefit from his pension. And remember that if he goes on to develop a high flying career, you won't be entitled to any of the financial benefits. He's looking after Number 1, so you need to, too.

Takfujuimoto · 08/05/2018 13:40

"Every man I have met who "didn't believe in marriage" - when their partner wanted to be married - actually deep down did believe in marriage, they believed it would make it harder for them to just walk away, and always intended to walk away if a better offer came along. Some never got that better offer, but all were never fully committed to their relationship."

^ This! I've seen quite a few men with 'life partners' and children who suddenly leave the family unit only to end up married within the year to another woman.

Shen0102 · 08/05/2018 14:17

At 24 it might be a matter of not wanting to marry you rather than not wanting marriage at all, as at that age going clubbing and pub crawls and holidaying in Thailand with the ladd is on top of their agenda than changing a nappy.

the baby was an unexpected turn out of events which could be overwhelming for both parties. He's probably still trying to get his head around the whole family dynamics.

I'd say hold on and see if the atmosphere changes in the next few months but you should totally protect yourself financially and don't rely on him sorely for incollme as if you leave him and he loses his job down the line you won't be getting any child maintenance either.

80sPrincess · 04/05/2023 18:57

Yup and funny enough the men I've dated or encountered who 'didn't want marriage' but wanted kids either had short lived relationships, were cocklodgers or just wanted roommates with benefits to help pay for their mortgages under the guise of a relationship. Plus despite having multiple relationships and plenty of opportunities to have children, they didn't have kids with any of their exes which raised some red flags on their part. If marriage isn't necessary then why didn't their exes just have kids with them loool.

If a man asks outright tells you he doesn't believe in marriage but he really wants children-RUN LIKE HELL!

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