I AM such a CRAP mum

[crappiestmum]

Help!

I need to change and I don't know how. There are times that I feel so bad about myself and my parenting skills.

I shout, usually several times a day, at my children. Sometimes its instant, majority of the time its about the third or fourth time I have so no or don't do that.

I often find the children so frustrating and I get so angry.

I use the word stupid, as in don't be so stupid or thats a stupid thing to do as well as for christs sake or for gods sake (what the hell do you think you are doing). I feel guilty as I know that is not a good way to talk to children. I don't use other general swear words at or in front of them (the other phrases are bad enough I know). Every day I tell myself I must stop and not say those words or phrases but they just come out in anger.

I also have difficulty in playing with them sometimes (just 6 and almost 4). I seem to avoid it as I find it boring and its difficult spreading my time with each of them.

My lowest point was about 4 weeks ago when my 2 year old bit me really hard (within minutes of being told off for making her baby sister cry after biting her and leaving teeth marks) and I slapped her and called her a stupid bitch. I was mortified at what I had done as I truly don't believe in hitting children and its the first time I have with her. She cried her eyes out and looked terrified bless her. I can't believe I did it (or that I have written it on here)

On the positive side there are some good things. I sit and read books with/to them, always read stories at bedtime too, give them cuddles, let them spend time sat up helping whilst I prepare dinner, take them to the park after school a couple of times a week and on weekends. I also breast feed and make healthy food for the family. I just feel that I don't do enough for them. This morning I said shall i get some puzzles and we will do them and my 2 year old said no so I then wondered why she didnt' want to.

I am stressed and waiting for some counselling. Had some disturbing information last year that has had a massive effect on me. I have so much anger inside me and sadly its often the children I take it out on. Because I don't get to sleep easily or sleep well I am always tired so that doesn't help.

I go back to work part time soon so that may help but how do I stop being such a bitch to the kids?

Sorry its such a ramble but I have been building up the courage to post about how I feel for weeks now. I desperately need some practical support or recommendations of any good books to help

No practical advice to offer but wanted to give virtual hugs. Sounds like you've made a massive step in identifying that you want things to change and that has to be positive. A lot of people wouldn't even get this far in their thinking about how they parent.

Hope you get the help you want xxx

Firstly, we can't be perfect all the time! I know I am not. I shout at my ds too. Sometimes I feel that I don't give him enough attention.

Secondly, you sound really down to me. Do you think things are getting on top of you? Could you have a chat with your gp?

hey littlelapin are you me or am I you?

Can you get "pushed forward" for some counselling. It would be much better if you had someone to talk your anger through with.

i think going back to work is a very very good place to start

it helps everyone to get a break from each other

CM sorry you're going through this. You seem to be under loads of stress and I know from experience that when you have relentless stress your tanks empty and you just haven't got it in you to be nice to them. Everything makes you angry and you feel hurt and overwhelmed.

I've sat upstairs on occasions at bedtime on the verge of tears for no apparent reason and having to pull back from the brink and try to read stories with my voice trembling. It's horrendous.

You need help and support. The good news is, IME, it doesn't take much to start to feel better about yourself. You have to sort yourself out and tackle your own sadness/anger/hurt before you can properly start mothering in the way you obviously want to and can.

I don't know what kind of support you have. Is the childcare relentless, or can you get away on occasions and do something for yourself? It sounds to me like you have something to deal with emotionally, something which is distracting you and making you unable to be in the moment, with your kids. You need to work on processing whatever it is.

Is there any way you can get a break and talk to someone, a counsellor, healer of some sort, good friend or family member, about yourself?

I saw my GP about 3 weeks ago, THAT incident pushed me there. I was worried about depression but she thinks it is stress due to the events/issues in the past 9 months or so. Doesn't want me to take medication but I didn't go into as much detail as above. Told her I have so much anger and I shout a lot though. I am frightened that it will turn into a depressive illness though if I dont' change quickly

Something wants to come out of you CM. You need to find a controlled way to get it out so you can move on.

You've made a great start here. I don't know what the 9 months thing is, but it's obviously looming large and in need of adressing.

Just wanted to empathise really.

I have one 2 year old ds and feel that 95% of the time I'm a 'good' parent. I enjpy spending time/playing with him, but I think that is partly because I work pt, so playing with cars is not my only intellectual stimulation. However, I do get 'flashes' of anger, which scare both me, ds and dh. I have ranted and raved and said awful things to both when in this state. It is horrific, and fuels your own feelings of shame/being crap parent, which in turn makes another blow up more likely.

I have suffered from PND/anxiety since his birth, and wonder if you experienced this?

I would advise talking to your gp and requesting a referral for counselling. I did a great 8 week CBT course for women with depression/anxiety, and found it incredibly helpful. Essentially it taught me that I can control my anger/anxiety by slowing down the process that makes me go from a to z in a few short seconds.

Try not to beat yourself up about the past and focus on a plan for the future.

sorry just seen you have a referral to counselling.

Must read posts properly!

Agree that going back to work may really help.

I can't talk to anyone - well I could but I am embarrassed. The beauty of this is the anomynity (?) of it all. I don't want to worry other people close to me either.

There was a comment on a post recently about leaving a child with a bad nursery or something and it was along lines of 'many men happily leave their children with a bad carer every day, the mum who shouts all the time and can't be bothered with the kids". That hit home.

Everybody feels rough sometimes, everybody's kids drive them nuts sometimes. You're not the worst parent in the world, but I do agree that you need some extra help, either counselling or just a bit of time to yourself.
Good luck.

I know I was def not the best parent for my DS a few years ago...

I was having a horrid time of it and like you snapped at them lots, on top of that much of the time I was over-medicated on valium and totally self absorbed so had very little time for them.

They seem fine though I am fine now, so happier, so they are too.

Do you have anyone to take them for a little break now and then?

Just wanted to let you know how much of what you wrote hit home. It's interesting that the GP says you're not depressed. It doesn't necessarily mean you don't get up ni the morning.... I think sometimes your anger/anxiety can be because of the natural instinct to keep going, battling against the reality of feeling really low, either because of hormones etc, or because of other factors (like the thing you've been dealing with for 9 months).
I wonder if you had experienced this trauma as a single younger girl whether you would have expected to keep working 24/7 deal with difficult people endlessly.. I suspect not. We know that we just have to keep going for the kids, but in the end it's got to come out somewhere.
Not sure what I'm saying except, judicious medication (not valium!) and 2 years of therapy was what I needed, and I feel like a different person (also had extremely unpleasant issue to deal with soon after DS was born), although, I can't say I never shout. But it's not that endless "how the hell do I get out of this" feeling.

Going back to work was my saving grace - as was giving up bfeeding. That might not be the case for you, if it's one of the thigns you see as a good mother thing. I did and only after found that it had played such havoc with my hormones that I was "almost" normal 2 weeks after stopping.. when DS was 13 months.
Take courage, I have to say that despite your bleak post, you obviously do have a huge amount of mothering skills, and you're holding it together amazingly well.
Go back to your doctor again, with a cut and paste of what you told us... just get her to read it, rahter than the embarrassment of having to articulate it.
It's an idea anyway. I'll be thinking of you.

How awful for you, I am sure that many mums feel the same towards their kids at times. Maybe now you have written it down it will help and probably going to work will help too and give you a break to be a different kind of person - not a mum and wife.

Maybe you ought to get back to the GP again and open up a bit more.

Thank you everyone, its great to know that people can relate to this too (well you know what I mean). I realise its not just me and most of the comments are really positive.

I did expect to get slated to a certain extent but I truly love my beautiful children, I just need to sort myself out and hopefully the major issue I'm struggling with will be concluded towards the end of the summer and I will be able to move on.

Thank you all again