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Original poster

Dealing with a miscarriage when you did not want the baby.

13 replies

twinsetandpearls · 14/05/2007 21:40

Am not posting this in the miscarriage section as I don't want to cause offence and I hope I do not offend anyone by my post.

As some of you may know I miscarries last week at eight weeks I had only just found out I was pregnant and have always been quite clear and honest that I have mixed feelings about having more children.

I am upset that a baby has dies but I am finding it hard to put into words how I feel and am finding it difficult to face people who know, it isn;t many but enough, as I am not devestated but feel as if I should be. Dp thinks I am just bottling it up and that I will probably collapse in a fit of tears over the school holidays when I allow myself time to think and grieve. But I am not sure.

Not quite sure why I am posting this, i think I just wanted to be honest with someone as I am feeling the need to almost fabricate a grief.

OP posts:
Bubble99 · 14/05/2007 21:42

Then I think you can, and must, allow yourself to feel relieved, twinsetandpearls.

xxx

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 14/05/2007 21:43

But it feels so callou, especially when dp is quite devestated as is my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 14/05/2007 21:43

callous.

OP posts:
lulumama · 14/05/2007 21:44

the way you feel, is right for you , be it grief, relief or a strange mix of things...allow yourself to feel and let it all out, whatever it is you are experiencing. x

Lizzer · 14/05/2007 21:47

I don't think you should worry about your feelings TSAP, they are perfectly natural given your circs. As everyone who miscarries know's deep down, there was a medical reason for the pg not carrying on. Your feelings should not be of grief if you don't have anything to grieve. I am pg myself but don't judge you on your viewpoint. Hopefully people around you will give you the time and space for you to come to terms with the recent events (as it will stir up SOME feelings, just not one's that most people would 'expect') I bet a lot more people than you think feel the same way as you and at least you are being honest with everyone you love AND more importantly, yourself.

mamazon · 14/05/2007 21:48

i had an ectopic pregnancy following an abusive encounter with my ex.
i know exactly how you feel. i was devestated that the baby had to be removed but at the same time i was so relieved not to be pregnant by that man.

i know its a different circumstance but the feelings are teh same i think.

you should feel how you feel, dont worry about being guilty. you have done nothing wrong

liquidclocks · 14/05/2007 21:48

I really honestly thought I was pregnant this month and so relieved to get a -ve result. I've been there before with an unplanned baby at the wrong time - I got to 16 wks before I miscarried. By that time we'd reorganized our entire lives so we could just about manage a baby but I have to admit, there was a sense of relief. - I think it's normal and that there's nothing to feel bad about. But it's equally OK in 3 years time to look back and feel sad. I had my fit of tears shortly after DS1 was born and it dawned on me what I'd lost, but I still know it'd have bee really bad timing.

Takle your time with it, because it will take time to resolve your feelings but that's completely ok.

Bubble99 · 14/05/2007 21:50

Prior to this, had you and DP discussed having more children?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 14/05/2007 21:52

yes and I have posted about it on here before, evry long and drawn out he really wants kids I would in an ideal world but we don;t live in that world so consequently I don;t want them - I think

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 14/05/2007 21:53

But it is different being relieved when you test negative and then feeling sadness twinged with relief when a baby dies

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BecauseImWorthIt · 15/05/2007 08:58

I had a miscarriage between my dss. It was a planned pregnancy and completely unexpected that I would miscarry having already had one baby. (Don't think anyone expects to miscarry, do they?)

I was shocked (especially as dh was away at the time and had to wait for several days before he was back - this was pre mobile phone days) and cried on the phone to my brother, but after that, nothing.

I seem to have dealt with it perfectly rationally. I regret it, but accept that it was nothing I did and nor could I have prevented it. And, of course, I went on to have another successful pregnancy.

So I can entirely understand how you might feel. I think given your circumstances it is quite appropriate for you to allow yourself to have mixed feelings. Just acknowledge how you feel and don't beat yourself up thinking that you should feel a particular way.

Sorry, it's not a MN thing, but here are some

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}

throckenholt · 15/05/2007 09:10

my mum had a miscarriage soon after she was married - she was relieved because she did not want a baby so soon. She freely admits that. She went on to have my brother and me over the next 3 years.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling - not everyone is devastated - it depends on circumstances.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 15/05/2007 19:37

THankyou both of you for taking the time to post and making me feel as If my I am not a complete heartless cow!

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